The Process of Getting Hurt

The process of getting hurt...
You don't want to beleive it at first.
It's as if everything is standing still.
His mouth is moving.
Sound is escaping.

A flashback.
A memory.
Caught in your mind,
Is a time...

The sound finally catches up to the movement of his mouth as he turns around.
A blow to your stomach, and then your heart.
It stops.

You strummed the guitar.
We sang out loud.
On cold chilly nights we held each other.
The whisper of an I love you
Leaves yousr listless mouth.

The apple falls from the tree.
Day turns to night, and night turns to day.
Sitting there eating our candy corn.
The minute it became too real.
Too real, it lead to this point.

He turns back around.
You catch his gaze.
See the fire reflecting back.
Everything slowly rewinds.
You hear it again.
Hand reaches out for you.
Asking you if you are alright.
He sees you ignore him.
You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.
He keeps talking.
The words keep coming.
Why won't he stop?
Like the day after a night of partying.
Vision is hazy.
Stomach is hurting.
He keeps on talking.
Why won't he stop?
My eyes begin to fill.
That satisfaction won't be given.
Fighting back.
Voice caught in my throat.
It hurts.

Cold. Dead. Weighted body.
Then like clockwork, your heart starts back up again.

The process of getting hurt...
Reminds me I'm alive, and you...
You missed out on the best thing you could have ever had.

This is what makes us gay

The things that make us gay:

1. If you are a girl, you like girls. If you are a guy you like guys.

The things that make us straight:

1. If you are a girl you like boys. If you are a guy you like girls.

The things that make us human:

1. We are warm blooded.

2. Self-awareness.

3. Free moral agency.

4. Speech and symbolic cognition.

5. Opposable thumbs.

6. Walking upright.
7. Conscience and the ability to imagine.
8. The way we change the world around us with the use and invention of new technologies. 

So, exactly why do we let the ONE difference over power all the things we do have in common as human beings? 

SexyHotGay...the video you all wanted. xo

the Real Man Behind Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Reynolds. I merely say the name and gay men begin to salivate and my interview can end there. His pictures alone make gay men stand still; add a bathtub and some bubbles and we are all set. At least that's how my guest for this post got his idea for Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds along with his burnt Kraft Mac n' Cheese. Thomas, the man behind the ever so hot, yet thought provoking tongue-in-cheek photoblog, is not so hidden away as we thought. When I first saw his tumblr, I thought to myself, who is the smart man behind this blog (aside from being distracted by Ryan)? Exactly how many men, gay men, are out there that read Foucault, Deleuze, and Judith Butler...and make it look sexy? One.

Thomas McLean, brings you queer theory the best way he knows how, with Ryan Reynolds. He tackles issues of homophobia, biological determinists, and shows you how to rearrange Sarah Palin to read as anal parish. Part comedian, maybe due to his upbringing, he presents queer theory with a smack of bitchiness...because you know, as a gay man, which we are, that is the only way we know to respond to everyday occurrences, and bad outfits on the street. Take a stroll through Thomas' world of Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds (beware, Ryan Reynolds tends to come out and talk amidst the interview), have a good laugh, learn a little bit to have a REAL conversation while you sip martinis at the hottest new gay club while listening to the loud beats of We Found Love.

Interview with Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds

Boymeetsboyblog: People know you as the guy behind Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds,
I assume a guy (insert own queer theory here), but tell me a bit about yourself? Pretend this is a speed dating segment…go!

Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds: My name is Thomas McLean. I'm the sole creator of QSWRR. I'm 31 and I live in Atlanta, Georgia. I have never taken a Queer Theory class, shockingly, though I do read quite a bit of it. I graduated with a degree in Psychology and Sociology at Oglethorpe University and obtained a Master of Science in Applied Statistics at Purdue University, which officially classifies me as a professional dork. I write short fiction and work at a non-profit (Big Brothers Big Sisters) because I want to spread the love as much as possible. I have a gay cat named Sampson. He is truly gay. He used to hump our neighbor's tomcat all the time. I also bake and have a 60% success rate in the kitchen. I tried to make gay brownies with pink triangle icing once and almost burned my house down. They truly were flaming brownies.

My mother was a stand up comedian and my father was an accountant. It really does explain everything. I came out in 9th grade in high school, took a guy to the prom (13 years ago), and graduated valedictorian. It kept life interesting.

BMBB: Why Ryan Reynolds for the face of your project? Granted he is hot, has a six-pack you want to rub your face on, and a pretty smile…how did he make the cut against all the other hot guys out there?

QSWRR: It all started, some years ago, when I watched the horrible remake of The Amityville Horror. I was so bored watching it that I was going back and forth to the TV, doing little odd chores here and there. One of those was making dinner - a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese, to be precise. I had made the mac and cheese, and returned to the living room to finish watching. A couple seconds later, I looked up and saw Ryan Reynolds in the bathtub. It wasn't that he was amazing hot - we all know he is - but the fact that he was in a bathtub, looking emo and sad and scared, was something that just convinced me of the following: I could use the power of Ryan and the bathtub to promote queer theory and gay rights. It's truly the perfect medium. This thought was immediately distracted as the entire bowl of mac and cheese  dumped into my lap. Ryan Reynolds made me forget about mac and cheese - a truly monolithic accomplishment. It is then that I realized that if you ever want to push an agenda, push it with a picture of Ryan in a bathtub. It will work for anything - except for, perhaps, anything coming out of the Tea Party's collective chocolate starfish.

BMBB: Does Ryan know about this project?

QSWRR: I wish. Maybe he does. Maybe he would love to discuss Foucault with me over coffee. Or while on a ferris wheel. Or on a yacht.

I should quickly say that I don't ever really crush on celebrities. I used to have a huge crush on the fat one from N*sync. Especially when he had red hair. It feels good to finally admit that. So Ryan is truly the second, maybe along with Joe Manganiello (Alcide from True Blood). 

BMBB: What made you come up with your project, Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds?

QSWRR: The direct influence was the Feminist Ryan Gosling, which is still going strong. I then realized that there was a significant opportunity to do this with Queer Theory as well. With Ryan. In a bathtub.

BMBB: If you could describe gay culture in one ultimate queer theory, what would it be?

QSWRR: Here's the thing about gay culture that is hard to wrap your head around: We've barely scratched the surface of gay culture. There are so many different, unique gay people out there that sometimes I wonder if there ever truly is a gay culture. So I would say, in reference to queer theory, that everything is relative. The world would be a much different place if everyone awoke tomorrow and knew everyone who was gay, or bi, or trans, etc. The impact of any subculture - including that of gay culture - is never fully realized until every person who's played a part in that impact is known.  We have gay firefighters, gay accountants, gay sewer maintenance workers, gay bankers, gay clowns. We are everywhere yet are, in some instances, nowhere. We're not allowed into a full legal framework of rights. We're not allowed to have quiet funerals in some cases, due to hateful, spiteful bigots. There's so much we do, and our reach is so impactful, yet we never get to experience that impact sometimes. So it's also a paradox.

So, in essence: Queer theory is everything and nothing you think it is.

Questions for Ryan:

BMBB: How does Ryan view dating, relationships, and sex?

Ryan Reynolds: Hey Boi. Never date the biggest selling female rockstar of the 90s. I oughtta know.

Relationships are like a green lantern.  You shape them how you want to, but have to be careful of what you're getting into.

Sex is like eating cupcakes on a cloud with puppies.

BMBB: Is he frustrated with the idea of normalizing every type of relationship or mirroring heterosexual relations, or is he more into nonidentifying who and what he loves?

RR: Boi, I've been strictly with women, but I must say, the attention I get in green spandex is an honor.  You should never deny a possibility for love. 

BMBB: If Ryan could define his status as single, married, complicated, etc, what would it be? Why?

RR: Post-modernly entangled.  Because it sounds pretentious but really isn't.

BMBB: Does Ryan ever feel like he is living in a homonormative world instead? One that is constructed by the A-List, Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys, and RuPaul’s Drag Race. If so, how does he break free from these socially gay constructed ideas? Does he align with the ideology of Lady Gaga?

RR: Lady Gaga is an interesting one. Just this morning I was on my treadmill reading some Judith Butler and "Edge of Glory" came on and I decided to put on my Nyan cat costume I wore for Halloween and just gayed the whole place up, singing along. I guess you could say I align in a weird way.

The thing about a heteronormative world is that, boi, if we accept the assertion that gay identity is a thoroughly modern phenomenon, then so is heteronormativity as defined by self identity.  So both things are pretty new.

I've reached out and played a role of a gay man - I seemed to be naturally good at it - and of course, there are just so many things ingrained in certain cultural aspects that it's impossible not for them to be heteronormative in nature.

Breaking such social constructions is difficult but possible:  regular bouts of ankle tanning, organic oatmeal cookie eating, and making disparaging comments at the Radical Right all help to break the mold.

BMBB: What are Ryan Reynolds top 3 dating rules?

RR:

1.  Know the damn definition of 'ironic.'

2.  Respect the scruff

3.  Smile in the face of rejection.  Or throw a hardbound cover of Deluze and Guattari at the rejector.

Art, Photo Blogs, Guys...oh my!

As a gay man, which I am, I love art...but mostly underground artists. I had the opportunity to reach out and get two short interviews with two of my favorite people. I know what you are thinking, where are the dates, where are the boys/men/one-night-stands, hey sometimes we have to remember there are other things going on in the world and in my life. Also, this is BOYmeetsBOY (sometimes men), where we meet new people and other guys, and I am introducing you to two very important people making a change in the community at large through their art and ideas.

Keep coming back in the next couple of weeks as I introduce you to the guy behind Queer Studies with Ryan Reynolds and the visionary behind HOMO RIOT. LEARN.KNOW.EMPOWER.

**the Tops and Bottoms of dating: art shows are great places to meet people of like interest. Who knows maybe you can meet the guy of your dreams, share your love for queer theory together over coffee in front of a fireplace, shirtless, and discuss the ramifications of the heteronormative and Foucault. If anything maybe meet a hot, scruffy gay guy, and have a one-night-stand (wear a condom!).

So Your Best Friend's Boyfriend Doesn't Like You: 10 ways to not be a bitch about it

The typical conversation between two gay men who are meeting for the first time always ends up discussing [gay] drama and how they avoid being a part of it. It has always been my experience that the people who say that constantly are usually the ones creating it or vying for the drama to come their way so they can add their two cents to the conversation at hand. After all, we all know, as gay men, we come with a manual on "how to throw your 2 cents into a conversation while adding a back handed comment in a bitchy high pitched voice... with two finger snaps." Here goes, I don't do drama, especially gay circle drama. We often hear about six degrees of separation; in the gay community that degree is far less if not null and nonexistent. Somehow in a round about way, you slept with your best friend's ex ex boyfriend who was also sleeping with your ex boyfriend who is somehow connected through another gay guy living in Florida who both of you slept with at one time and not together or while dating each other. Lost yet? Yeah it's kind of like that.

Recently, through conjecture, I have figured that the boyfriend of a friend of mine, does not like me. Could it be the fact that he back handedly insulted me in front of his current boyfriend and my good friend. Maybe, or is it that I stood there and said nothing while the insult was being dished and was good hearted and genuinely wanted to get to know him. That's when I thought to myself, omg I am in gay drama. How does one deal with this certain situation, especially if you see each other casually, and you don't want to be a bitch? Because genuinely, you don't know why he doesn't like you. Better yet, why does it matter? It doesn't... but seeing that he is the boyfriend of a friend, I want to be the better person and continue my niceness. Here are 10 ways to not be a bitch:

1. At first meeting always apologize if you did anything rude or you felt you might have offended him. Let's get the past out of the way and start fresh. It's not your fault you don't wave to strangers while strolling through the mall...note to self: wave to everyone.

2. Invite said friend and boyfriend over for dinner with other friends. A peace treaty and proper introduction. Always have a buffer, especially if you have a volatile personality and are prone to yell out and say mean things. This isn't a Real Wives of New Jersey Reunion.

3. If attending an event/affair/hang-out and said person will be there, make sure to not be mean or say anything that would make you LOOK like the bitch. Be genuine, be nice, try and get to know him...even if he decides to do otherwise... or call you a slut.

4. At the end of anything, always offer a hug, be nice and civil...after all you never thought poorly of the person or said anything. Don't worry if he offers his hand for a shake instead...maybe he doesn't do hugs and kisses... like some gay men [me].

5. You are all connected via Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Mobli, or Google+ and all comments are shared.  Things will be said... never comment back, throwing in your two cents; after all it doesn't matter. People will say mean and negative things, you aren't for everyone's pleasure. Instead say the proper thanks to other people and gloss over the said negative comment... after all his boyfriend and your friend are also mutual friends.

6. Instead of bitching in a public forum or posting anything, talk to your friends. Let them know and get their insight. Before you know it, they are the ones posting the bitchy comments for you...that way you don't have to. Snaps.

7. The logical thing would be to talk to your friend, after all he is your friend. If he hasn't noticed the behavior, he is probably busy or shuts off when the boyfriend is being a bitch, or better yet, your friend has manners. Rather than going to him about his boyfriend's issues with you, I say leave it alone, and don't bother. Continue your friendship with your friend, and choose not to bring up his boyfriend.

8. Continue your pact of kindness to yourself at all times because you never know when you might see each other again... maybe at a fashion show for another dear friend. This time, take caution and extend your hand to give a shake, since that is his modus operandi, for fear of upsetting the god of gay etiquette. And smite he will, with a bad hair day and nothing cute to wear.

9. In all matter, never feed fuel to the flame... didn't your mom teach you better? If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. Instead, if need be, delete their profile, that way you no longer can see their comments. Life is that easy...until they decide to make an account with a fake name.

10. You have been nice, you have been civil, and you refuse to say anything negative... good for you! If all else fails, and the Mean Girls attitude continues and you are looking over your shoulder every visit making sure daggers aren't being thrown or a drink won't be flung at you, or that you will be thrown into a pool while wearing your brand new Dolce and Gabbana shirt, take a note from the gay man's manual...and be the bitch...blog it!

Failed Attempts & Outfits Missed

It's Friday night, another day, one more evening, a reoccurring failed attempt of going out. Exactly how many times should one try and meet up with someone? It shouldn't be too hard right? You make a date, you anticipate the day, making sure you have the right outfit that says you didn't try too hard (this is something I casually throw on), and then one or the other picks each other up. Done deal, right? Before you know it, you are getting a text, never a phone call because that makes it more awkward and you have to deal with the situation at hand right then and there, he lets you know that he has to cancel. Something unexpectedly came up. Its always unexpected.  You chalk this failed attempt to another flaky moment in courtesy of another gay guy brought not to you by Frosted Flakes.

We met at a night club one evening where we were introduced by a mutual friend. He was outside, having a drink (later to be learned that it was water and he doesn't drink anymore), waiting to go on as the DJ. Standing in front of the double doors, we spoke about music and how the landscape of it has changed over the past few years. I let him in on my guilty pleasure, that I love old skool music, and Art Laboe. Gangster at heart (I can, I wear plaid). He was taken aback that I would be interested in music that was older than me and that he had grown up with...he is 43. It was a great evening, we exchanged numbers and decided we would meet up outside the club where we could hear ourselves talk a little bit better over some food and water/drinks. 

A few days went by when we both committed to a day that would work best with our conflicting schedules. He works Monday through Friday, while my schedule is pretty much everywhere depending on what is going on. Before I knew it, the day had crawled unnoticed into my week and I was finding myself looking for what to wear and getting ready last minute, when, a couple of hours before he extended the time and asked, can we meet later in the evening? Of course, I said. If you warn me ahead of time, that is great. Gives me more time to finalize what I am wearing, brush my teeth for the hundreth time, and make sure I haven't applied too much chapstick. Neurotic, just a tad bit. The evening drew closer, my anticipation was killing me that I had to grab a snack. I eat when I get nervous, which leads to my stomach hurting and me checking my teeth for stains every minute. I turn the Apple TV on, play some music, mellow out, and instead I find my mind wandering, already waiting for the text of, hey can we reschedule. Or worse yet, the dreaded he isn't even going to text and leave me hanging here, all prettied up in the best outfit I have ever worn. What is this, Pretty in Pink? Wake up, where is my Duckie?

He never text back. Or called.

Definitely not wanting to be the bitch to text back and sound desperate, the best was to assume something came up. He maybe had family come by and he isn't out so he had to stay home rather than lie and say he was going out with a woman or something. Or, maybe he forgot he had something scheduled that evening, a cuter guy, another date, washing his hair and relacing his shoes. Because all of those CAN happen.

Later I find out, through yet another text, that he felt really tired after work and ended up falling asleep. Oh, ok. Maybe that's my problem, I am a sucker, gullible, willing to believe any excuse other than listen to my own head. I remember the guy saying he works right down the street from where I live...so he was tired? We could have easily met up right after he was off, rather than drive back home, get ready, and then go back out. We could have made it a short night. 

After that week, I decided I would head out and get a drink with a few friends. There he was the DJ again. Yeah, I knew he would be there, but I wasn't going to get all stalkarazzi on him. I simply wanted to go out, see a few old friends, and have a drink. He walks down from the DJ area and leaves his friend spinning, and walks right over to me. He apologized in person and asked if we could meet up again. I am a nice person, sometimes, so I said yes. Figuring this time he would feel bad so he wouldn't flake or fall asleep when he got home from work.

This time I was going to be prepared and have my outfit picked out and not get ready until he confirmed that evening. I wasn't going to be the fool...plus maybe I could save the outfit for another day if he did flake. The night slowly passed, and I continued to watch reruns of Queer As Folk, my brand new old obsession. On a side note, never watch QAF before a date, especially a first date, all the sex scenes just make you horny and then you have wild circuit party music running through your head in the evening. We had set to go out again at 7, the magical hour. He wasn't going to call again, at least that is what was running through my head. This time he was going to give me some lame excuse that something was wrong with his car and that he couldn't leave the house, regardless of the fact that I drive, and have a car, and can also pick him up. So instead I would go out with my friends to the bar to get a drink, and bitch about that fact that I was stood up yet again...only to see him there at the bar with some other guy. I would have my lines prepared and my dagger eyes sharpened, able to cut through steel and flaky guys.

Worked up in a rage of already making up his excuses in my own head, knowing that he would flake, I was ready and prepared. You don'y just make a date and cancel...two times. Who does that? If you want to see someone then you make the effort, especially if you say you want to get to know the person better.

I hear my phone beep, announcing the inevitable text message. It said, I can't make it tonight, my dad is going into surgery...damn I feel like a bitch.

National Coming Out Day 2011

Run to the mountain tops and scream out loud, hey I am GAY! Ok, maybe that is a little over dramatic, and maybe not suitable for who you are. Either way, if you are ready to leave the proverbial closet or are already glittering up the world, one person and outfit at a time, make today a day of awareness, equality, and love. Equality for EVERYONE, after all we have one thing in common, we are HUMAN. Now turn up the circuit party dance music, lift your hands to the heavens, and dance to the beat of the music. Remember, the only rule that is important, is to be YOU! Oh, and be safe in everything you do.

Share your coming out story with me at Boymeetsboyblog.com! Here is mine...

Party Like It's 1999: My Coming Out Story >>

Bullying: That Was My Past, This Is Our Present

Turn on the television. There it is, another kid committing suicide because of bullying. I find myself glued to the television, I watch the Youtube videos, I hear what people are saying...poor guy. If only I could have been there for him. To hold his hand and tell him, it can and WILL be alright. Talk about it, call someone, SCREAM! An intensity impregnates my body, starting in my stomach, growing to every extremity. My mind begins to swirl asking itself, how do we live in this crazy world? Crazy, we don't even know each other, but I understand. Time goes by as I am sitting there thinking about it...I cry.

I can sit here and tell you all the statistics of how many kids kill themselves from bullying or are being bullied. But if you are reading this and you are one of the kids being bullied, we both know it doesn't mean a damn thing. It's happening, it is real...but it doesn't have to continue.

I know lately my posts have been a little melancholy in nature. Some not about dating, and that is alright. My blog is not just about that. It is a forum, a place for discourse to happen amongst men, boys, guys, people. We sit down, discuss, share...together we learn about our lived and shared experiences. Some of my readers maybe have never experienced bullying, I say you are lucky and I hope you never do. It plays on every level that is YOU. It creeps into every crevice of your brain, slowly draining into your body as the neurons deliver every painful blow. Your body doesn't know what to do with it, so instead you find yourself holding on to the feeling, gripping your hands so tight, until they turn white, knowing that if you opened them the hurt will be released. You try but to much avail, you can't.

...truth is, I have been called a faggot since I was about 8 years old. Has it ended, no. Even into adulthood I have experienced the same bullying, kid's words hurt when you are young. It is the end of the world, you want to pull yourself into a ball and cry and wish it all went away. You wonder, why would another human being want to hurt me? What did I do that caused disruption in their daily life, to incur such hatred, such dislike? Is it because of the color of my skin? My sexual orientation? My height? Maybe I am not butch enough. Maybe, my financial status isn't the same as yours. Who knows?

There was a point in my life that I questioned who I was because of the bullying. In adulthood, I figured the reason I was gay was because I was called it every day of my life. Have I lost you? All the bullying and name calling, I thought, made me gay or made me believe I was gay. How fucked up in the head do you have to be, right? Here is an adult questioning if his mere existence as a gay man was made up because of bullying and name calling. Am I the only one who has ever had that cross their mind? I tried to conceive in my head the idea that what I was doing was wrong and the only reason I could be doing anything that I am doing in my life today, or at that point, was because I figured better to be it, what they were calling me, than to try and be something else. It was too much work, too much effort. People had me figured out...had I?

My boyfriend at the time never had a clue that things like this were running through my head. Instead I would poke fun at him for being bisexual, and not knowing what he actually liked. I would go into fits of rage, rage that I had pent up in myself..because underneath all of what people thought me to be or formulated me to be, I never truly knew who I was. Inside was a kid struggling to break free and make sense of who he was apart from the name calling. It was a constant mental torment. Just a fraction of the craziness I had in store. It was me trying to break free of myself and who I thought was created for me, and he was on the receiving end of my battered soul search trying to reclaim my childhood.

Home life for me was easy. My parents were and are very loving people. I just never thought I could go to them about being called names. Instead as a young boy, I would sit in my room and listen to Mariah Carey's, Hero, over and over. Sometimes I wondered to myself, would any of this ALL be over? Will someone really come and make it all better? When I grow up, would I be free to be myself?

I see the people who end their lives due to bullying, and I wonder why? Why? Wasn't there someone you could turn to and call a friend? Where is your family? But, could they really help? You can be surrounded by a million people but yet still feel so alone...I know that feeling. The idea to end my life never crossed my mind...instead I wished for bad things to happen to me, to end it all. Sometime I would go for a drive, swirl down the winding street, get onto the freeway in the middle of the night, and hope that maybe I'd get into a bad accident where I ram into a wall. Or, I would take walks, to escape reality, and hope that maybe I was assaulted. I know what you are thinking, how fucked up is this kid? ...bullying plays with everything in your being. Logic and common sense aren't present, only the feeling, this feeling that is stuck inside every ounce of you flowing through your cells, carried by your blood, you can't escape it.

...a good friend told me, Daniel that was your past. True, it was, but bullying is another kid's present, and for some unlucky others, their future. Together WE need to put a stop to it. Volunteer, talk, ask, listen...be there.

I know it is hard to ask for help but it is there...so please TALK.

The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386
California Youth Crisis Line: 800-843-5200

Warning, what you are about to experience...

...is not a figment of your neurotic imagination. Everything you are about to read and hear is real and actually happening this very moment. In a place where time can not be counted and your mind can not control what your body is doing or about to do, you find yourself stepping into...

That...long...awkward...silence. There you are sitting with a couple of appetizers in front of you (trying not to touch them...the carbs, the calories) as you ask the typical questions, give the typical answers as if prepped by every other date you have been on. Oh no! the conversation has run out. You and he stare back and forth, is he going to say something? Will he ask another question? Maybe he is finished with his list and is anticipating for you to continue the rest of the date? The seconds becomes minutes, the minutes hours, the time gap grows longer as you are both going through our brains searching for what to say or do next. It's that moment when the two people involved check out, eyes glaze over, you are trapped in some awkward time warp where nothing seems to make sense and you find yourselves eating everything in front of you, as if you are starved children from a third world country.

You slowly reach for the edamame that is stuck in between you. Slowly you pick them up, lick the salt off. You can't help it. You told yourself you would only have one. One becomes two, then three, the plate is empty. Your mouth is salty, lips chapped from the dryness. You reach into your pocket, grab that chapstick you have been carrying for days and forgot was there, until now, when you desperately need it. Anything to occupy your hands and lips. Dare you speak? Not yet. You are too consumed with the fact that the silence is still growing. Instead you hurriedly reach for the glass of water you opted for, instead of a drink, which would have been better at this point. You hear yourself fighting against the ice cubes which clank against your teeth. OMG, can he hear it? Is the noise of my ice hitting my teeth unnerving? He probably thinks I am a dork, so I continue to drink. Put the drink down, you tell yourself. Say something,  hurry, now. Ask it.

Your hand begins to rise and instead starts to travel on over to the next food sitting in front of you. Taking small bites of potstickers. Oh no what if I have something stuck in my teeth. Drink some more water. The clanking continues. You can't make the ice stop. You feel it...yes...oh no, some water spilled on your shirt. You look like a fool. A baby, do you need a sippy cup to control your water drinking? Stop eating, he might think you are binge eating. No, just one more, they taste so good. Oh no he is starting to look at you. Maybe he wants to say something, his lips are pursing, they are about to open...a breath escapes. He eats. You look away. Your eyes dart back and forth. You look around, for what? To find someone you know, someone to break the void that is sitting right in front of you, for someone, anyone, to come over fill the gap of noiseless space. Where is the waiter when you need one?

Slow down the darting, no one is coming, he might think you are tweaking. Good...that's it, slow down the eye movement, what's your hand doing? Stop scratching yourself, but you cant. The itch grows with every word not spoken, you feel it going deeper and deeper. Your hand slowly moving back and forth uncontrollably trying to relieve the itch. He might think you have some type of skin disease. This guy can't stop scratching. Hurry add some comedic relief to your craziness. Explain it away. Your mind tells your lips, and instead lips respond by yawning nonstop. Oh no, he thinks you are bored. But you can't help it, your body is doing it.

Why are you being such a spaz? Stop it! Hurry move your mouth and say something. Ask about what he likes to do in his free time. No, wait, he probably just told you about that...and you can't ask him about something he just told you. It would mean that you were not listening. Do you want him to already think that you don't listen to him, and instead you were thinking in your head how cute he looks in his blue button up shirt and slacks because he had just finished with work? Reach inside your brain, pull out something, anything. Search through that catalog of starter questions you have been reserving for later on in the date for times like this. Fuck! Why do you always forget. Mental note: write these things down on your phone.

Fingers are moving again, they start picking at some bump on your arm. Oh no, is it bleeding? He thinks  you are a freak. Picking at scabs like you're 5 years old. Stop it, you tell yourself. Your mind is going crazy. Did you wear cute underwear? Do your socks match, fuck...did you wear socks? Are your feet going to smell? Can he smell it now? Do you smell good? You slowly pass your wrist by your nose and sniff. Yes! you smell the scent of Prada Amber Gris. Did you put too much on? Can he smell you? Is that why he looks like he wants to sneeze? Ugh.

Before you know it, you check your watch, see that only a minute has gone by...no you weren't abducted by aliens or entered an Alfred Hitchcock thriller where time stops, birds appear, and you are in your own personal hell wearing a polyester suit where Prada doesn't exist.

...do you know what you are going to have?

As a gay man...which I am

photograph by Tim Vintege www.michaelvintege.com

No one ever said being a gay man in 2011 would be easy. Your mom could never have prepared you enough to know everything you MUST do in order to survive in the vicious circle of catty gay men snapping their fingers as they vogue to Lady Gaga (the new Madonna). Instead we watch Mean Girls to learn how to be a teenage girl with too much attitude, while learning that being sexually promiscuous can and will get you an STI (because that is what we are calling them now) at some point or even mono. Yes, that still can happen people. Protect your lips, protect your mouth...you don't want to get herpes on your mouth, do you?

As a gay man, which I am, there are many things we must keep up with. Making sure that we know the most current pop culture news: Beyonce is pregnant, do you think she will continue to dance and drop it down to the ground? Did you hear the latest A-List dish? I can't believe Rodiney is thinking he is bisexual. Then you MUST keep up with the ever changing music landscape by owning every dance track possible by David Guetta; and make Britney Spears your queen, regardless of sexual disease outbreaks or unplanned head shaving. It's difficult trying to keep up with all the celebs just so we can have something to talk about during our chat in the bar, while we drink our over priced martini (which forces us into a leg out to the side, fragily holding your glass stance), and decide that this place is tired (probably because we have slept with every guy in it) and that if I have to see another guy in the same pair of Diesel jeans I will have to commit denim suicide. Bartender, where's my appletini?

Every couple of weeks we must take ourselves to the nearest nail shop and get our mani's and pedi's. As we try to explain to the poor quite shy Vietnamese girl that I only want buff and shine, we rant and rave about how we went out last night and how the Austin of the bunch created all this drama by bringing the bitch we hate most. Doesn't he get it, after all no one likes him and he tries too hard...harder than us. All the while the Vietnamese girl looks over to the other girl and begins talking, probably about how she can't handle another bitchy queen, *snaps*. While we are there, we figure, clean up the eyebrows, but remember we just want them cleaned up not the sharpie eyebrow look...we are men remember!

For some gay men the upkeep is worse, having to wax the back, the chest, the legs...and dare I say it, the butt hole. Looking like an underage prepubescent boy is all the rage, the smoother the better. Besides do you really want a guy to go down on you and feel like he is actually with a guy? Come on be a little more masculine feminine. The butch/femme dichotomy rears it's ugly head. Who am I? Wahhhhh.

If that wasn't enough, we then have to decide on the MOST fierce haircut, the faux hawk. I want it short on the sides, but not too short, and I love that my hair is high...the higher the better. If you can, could you please add a blonde streak in it to give it that, I am really cool and EDGY look but at the same time I can carry it over if I want to date a guy who wants to be my next sugar daddy? Can you make that happen? The girl, it's always a girl because to let another gay man cut our hair would be bad...he might be jealous of me and cut my hair badly so I look hideous... continues to cut my hair while I tell her how dating is horrible. That every guy I have gone out with is the atypical gay guy I don't like, and why is it so hard to find Mr. Right? I just want to meet someone who I can go out with, have a great time, and then go home and have sex with. Thanks! My hair looks AMAZE-balls. 

Meanwhile, we have to remember to check the latest Vogue, Elle, and don't forget Details, in order to know what to wear. As a gay man, which I am, we must keep up to date with who the latest designer is and, whether Father Karl Lagerfeld has put out another stellar line for Chanel. Is it September yet? Did we miss the the September Issue, oh no! revoke my gay card. Knowing the latest fashion trend is a MUST, we can't be seen with the same scarf wrapped around our neck during the middle of summer because we have the urge to be current and look cool, you know LA cool, but not put together fedora hat cool cool. Diesel jeans. Check. True Religions. Check. Tight t-shirt or preferably shirt with a logo all gay guys would know and be envious because I paid more for a shirt than I should have even if it was made in Turkey or China. Check. Don't I LOOK cute? Fierce, girl, fierce!  

Then off we go to the gym. Or as WE call it church. As a gay man, which I am, I must work out every day or at least every other day, in order to show that I do care about my body and that I too can be a go-go boy. Besides, how can I get a guy if I look like an average American, over weight. Men don't talk to you for your brains or where you went to school. Physical attraction IS always first. Plus, we have to look good together as we are walking down the street, or going into the club, making guys wish they were HOT like us (but in reality we have nothing in common other than our sexual drive, that we met on adam4adam, and the fact that we are both scared to commit to a REAL relationship, so instead we use the word boyfriend loosely, but what we really mean is we sleep with other guys...because well look at us, we are beautiful, I can't commit, men want me). I want to be skinny and beautiful, like the girls in the magazines. I too want to be a size zero with a beautiful chest and ass that makes guys want to slap it every time I go into the bathroom at the local bar.


So when you feel life is getting you down, Grindr isn't loading, and you hear that being in a third world country doesn't mean not having Gucci, Louis, Fendi, Prada, or that it is the adoption agency most hailed by Angelina Jolie...just remember your day has just begun and worrying about what to wear is the MOST important thing, it can make or break the day. xo

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 14, OKCupid.com Edt.

About three months ago, I decided that the dating world needed a little less of me. After all, the past year has taught me a lot, especially about myself...so I mulled it over, reorganized my brain, shifted my thinking, and now, OKCupid.com! My friend told me about it one day while he was answering questions for his profile, and told me, hey give it a shot. He knew that dating wasn't something I wanted to do right now, but it was a great way to meet local gay men without having to show off your cock in the first picture. Plus, it did all the weeding out for you, only showing you people who are compatible with your interests, likes, and dislikes. It rates people on a Match %, Friend %, and Enemy %. So, off I went, and clicked START.

25 questions is how the site starts, the more you answer the better the match. But where does one start with the site or any dating site? Here are a few rules to filling out a profile for dating, NOT for sex! Now before we begin, come up with a screen name for the site. I always find it easier to use some derivative of your real name, that way the guy can remember you.

1. After setting up your email, profile name (which typically is the hardest thing to do), and password, you upload a picture. The picture should always be clear and of your face. Guys, you might look amazing with your shirt off, but come on, pretend this is a head shot. Pick out something cute to wear. Remember the picture SHOULD ALWAYS be current. Don't post a picture of you when you were in highschool, or a scanned picture...who uses a scanner for pics anymore? Have at least 3 pictures of yourself...I suggest a face picture (don't make it look like a mug shot), a full shot of you, and then a fun one...it gives you character.

2. Stats: Height. Weight. Age, real age. Be honest, don't lie...remember if and when you are meeting the person, they will see you. Like, really see you. I understand that in this gay world we live in age, looks, weight, become a central part of being the gay man.  The truth is, the gay man comes in different forms, so be the form you want to be, accept it, love it, and just be YOU!

3. Fill out the detailed portions of your profile. You know, those sections that ask you to summarize yourself, who you are, what you like, your hobbies, all the stuff that makes you, YOU. Use a lot of adjectives, such as, Hey guys, my name is Daniel. I am a great, honest, sincere guy who enjoys hanging out with his friends and making new ones. Three in one sentence...overload! Ok, you don't have to be that cheesy, but it gets the point across, and that is the point. Put it out there, make it honest, make it you. Remember, the more you fill out, the better your percentages go up...as well as visibility. Oh and guys don't write about who you DON'T want to contact you, what you hate/dislike, and NEVER right in text lingo. You know what I mean, gr8 vgl guy, str8 acting u b 2. We are not middle school girls! Oh yeah, and make sure to talk about your hobbies, PS...sex, gym, and shopping are NOT hobbies.

4.  Once you have all the basics set upm start answering the questions. I found it easier to answer them slowly, because after 20 or so you find yourself debating who you are. Don't get overwhelmed and start biting your nails, hoping that you are answering the right way so that one hot dude you were checking out gets your match and then before you know it you are planning each other's wedding and becoming the poster couple for OKCupid. STOP! If you think an answer might give the wrong impression, thankfully you can explain it...so do so.

5. After 50 questions you have more options opened up to you. Use them! You have these things called Quiver matches. Check them out and see who you were paired with and if you might be interested in starting up a conversation. Don't worry that doesn't necessarily mean you might like these people, you can always remove them and say not interested. It's great because you don't have to reject in person and deal with that awkwardness of being in the same vicinity and knowing that he is staring you down because you said no.

6. Don't look at too many profiles, merely peruse them. Check out the ones you think you would like...they know when you visit their profile. If you think you would click, say hello. Don't be one of those guys that goes back to the same profile over and over again and never says hello. It's CREEPY. Grow some man balls and say hello! If you are scared of rejection, there is nothing to worry about, he won't respond, and it's alright.

7. Don't contact too many people at one time. Do you want to run through all of your options that fast? Keep some at bay, waiting. Plus, contacting too many people will make you lose track of who is worth talking to and getting to know. One person at a time, or a couple, is best...I think.

8. Use the percentages to your advantage. On the site there are three percentages: match, friends, enemies. Look at them and then read the profile, don't let the fact that you are 80% enemies scare you away. They are based off questions answered, and remember sometimes people are scared of tests and maybe they don't test well. This is the test of LIFE people! So read the profile and make a better decision with the numbers at hand.

9. If you chat up with someone find out more about them. Ask them questions about things they wrote or answered, don't get too serious, chat it up, have a little fun. Getting to know someone is the best part. After a couple of weeks ask to exchange numbers, if you feel it is at that place of comfortability.

10. You might sometimes be matched with guys you have dated. Maybe an ex!! Do you contact them? Do you seek out what could happen, maybe there was something left unsaid. Note to self: just say, hi, and maybe grab dinner and catch up...don't make a thing out of it. Or, maybe you both need time, so don't take this as a sign or read more than you should into it.

Definitely one of the better sites out there for dating, chatting, and making friends. Use it to your advantage, but be transparent about what YOU are looking for. Always be safe, be prepared to run into the ex (don't be a crazy bitch or use this site as a personal vendetta/crusade to smear his name), but above all, have FUN! If anything, it is an interesting way to see the gay guys on adam4adam clothed!

ASK:REPLY, when the hook up goes awry

Todays ASK:REPLY comes from an anonymous reader who asked a question about getting revenge/retribution for a hook up gone awry. Listen in, add your own comments, and join in on the conversation! Remember guys, be SAFE! And that goes beyond wearing a condom...and true story in 3-2-1! xo

Romance, love, honor: The Gay Icon Classics of the World, book review

"Romantics are to gays, what Christians were to Roman's back in the day...something to feed to the lions" – Robert Joseph Greene

The Gay Icon Classics of the World brings to life a collection of stories from many different cultures and showcases the importance of the idea of romance, chivalry, and love between men. Expressing a love that transcends the physical, this collection of fables is determined to prove that gay men yearn to be something more than just lust-filled creatures., With a slight modernizing twist, and a careful selection of old tales, the author, Robert Joseph Greene accomplishes his task of giving a voice to the ancient concept of love and allowing it to speak to the modern gay man. The perfect love is in you, and love can be found in different ways. Robert Greene offers eleven different fables of love between men. Which one are you?

Greene’s choice of stories spans different times and different cultures, showing that love between men has transcended history. Though called by many names, the idea of love… true love, has always been present. In his much acclaimed story, “Bantu’s Song and the Soiled Loin Cloth,” the author recounts a story told to him from a fellow colleague about two African men out-casted for loving one another. Who knew that the song of love whistled between two lovers could be recounted so simply and yet so movingly? It’s impossible to ignore the emotion when Bantu steps forward to endure the pain of punishment that was going to be meted out to his lover in order to protect him from the scorn of the community. Bantu is a man so brave and chivalrous that it leaves the reader yearning for that same undying, romantic love.

On the other hand, in “The Three Wishes,” a story of two Mexican lovers, the idea of duty to family before love and keeping a dying woman’s promise transcends the physical sense of love. Spiritual love for one another is knowing that one’s soul mate will find his way back. Two men from different backgrounds are joined together when Santiago helps out an older woman, and is told that God has come to grant him a wish; but in order for the wish to be granted he must share it. In a world filled with imagery and culture, Greene brings to life a tale of two men destined to be with one another… in due time.

Sometimes love alone isn’t enough to quench the desire we seek most; to find a mate that understands who we are as a man, a person, and a lover. In Greene’s story, “The Journey and the Jewels,” the main character, Prince Asfar, discovers that seeking someone like him isn’t the solution to his desire. Two princes, both born of wealth and opportunity, both with the same desire for love, but very different in character, teach us, as well as the young prince, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Sometimes prices must be paid and lessons learned in order to find that true love might be right in front of you.

Greene brings to light that even as classic as these tales are, the underlying note of fear for loving another man was present throughout time just as it is today. The need and search to love openly is in every story, and in every story love comes at the end of a struggle with oneself, religion, or community in a whimsical allusion that everything will be alright if one gives into love, and nothing else matters. Today, with the continued fight for gay rights and same-sex marriage, it turns out these tales are not far from the truth. These are stories of men fearing the ridicule of society for feeling how they feel for another man all the while trying to negotiate their own feelings and identity and discovering what is right for themselves.

The Gay Icon Classics of the World is a journey through a world not known to most gay men yet still remarkably relatable; a world filled with romance, chivalry, and lessons. As children we grow up reading tales, fables that show us how we should behave, what we should be, and what is right and wrong in society. It is a model for life, but who’s life? Robert Greene’s, The Gay Icon Classics of the World picks up where other fables have left off and allows a place for gay men to reorganize and reconstruct the notion of love. It is a telling of love stories that allows us to believe that love conquers all… even between two men.

To keep current with Robert Greene and Icon Empire Press follow these links...

Facebook | Icon Empire Press | Amazon 

Arthus and Nico: the Bare Essentials for dating, love, sex, and relationships

I had the pleasure to do a short interview with the very sexy, nerdy, and sometimes naked internet couple, Arthus and Nico. Some may know them through their titillating underwear and sometimes naked photo shoots, others through their Twitter, and for the rest of the world, from their intimate, sexy and romantic videos. This couple definitely breaks down the barrier that sex is just lust-filled and only to be shared within the most intimate confines of the bedroom. Celebrating their 7th anniversary, I asked the couple their ideas about dating, love, sex, and relationships. More importantly their insight to making a relationship last. Stripped down naked, to the bare essentials, here are Arthus and Nico, boymeetsboyblog.com style!

Boymeetsboyblog: How did you guys meet? Is there a cute story behind it?

Arthus and Nico: Actually, not that cute. We met online, on a gay chat like a french adam4adam. We talked a lot on MSN but didn't really get along and one day, as none of my friends wanted to go out with me [Arthus] I asked Nico and he said unexpectedly yes. I picked him, we had a crush and the love story began.

BMBB: What was your first impression of each other?

A&N: For Nico : not that bad. For me [Arthus] cute face and nice shirt.

BMBB: How long did you two date before you made it official?

A&N: It went pretty fast. We became a couple on the very first day.

BMBB: How long have you been together?

A&N: 7 years and we spend 24/7 together!

BMBB: What’s your secret for success in a relationship?

A&N: Communication and to want the same things in life. And last but not least, don't give up too easily.

BMBB: Are there any rules you two had while you dated or even now while you are together? Like, what not to do on a date.

A&N: Don't fuck on the first night but you can have a BJ on the second date.

BMBB: Tell us something about each other that nobody knows except for the both of you?

A&N: Nico is scared of heights . Arthus is choleric.

BMBB: What are some things that maybe one or the other does that you don’t like? How do you cope with it?

A&N: Nico likes tidying for hours but I don't really cope with it, it still gets me mad. Arthus makes a list of everything we have to do on the next day when we're in bed trying to get [to] sleep. I put my pillowpet on my ears.

BMBB: What’s that one thing that can make the other partner smile?

A&N: Arthus smiles at my funny faces, voices and dances. I'm like a man pet. When Arthus tries to scare me by hiding but I either find him first or he waits for hours because I didn't notice he was gone.

BMBB: From the list below, what is the biggest turn on?

a.     Eyes

b.     Chest for Nico

c.     Arms

d.     Legs

e.     Butt for Nico

f.      Other… Nico's butt hole is a big turn on, and I see it a lot!

BMBB: What are your bottom line/ deal breakers? Those things one can do or say that will end a relationship or your dating status with a guy?

A&N: Having an affair or hitting.

BMBB: What do you think about technology and dating today?

A&N: It's too much about sex and it's hard to date.

BMBB: What is your advice to single guys out there looking to find their other half?

A&N: Put sex aside and stop spending your time on gay chats once you start dating someone. You know men think with their dicks so put an end to any temptation.

BMBB: What is your number one advice to guys who are together?

A&N: Keep the fire and beware of daily routine.

BMBB: What are your top 5 rules to dating?

A&N:

1. Don't fuck on the first night

2. Don't talk about Britney or Gaga unless you're dating another stan

3. Twink/Sugardaddy relationships never last long

4. Don't talk about your last relationships

5. Don't be late you're not Mariah Carey

Once, again thank you to Arthus an Nico, for their support and contribution. Congratulations on 7 years...here is to more for the both of you! Check out Arthus and Nico at...

Facebook | Twitter | Tumblr | Blog

*all photos copyright of Ultra...[naked] Exposed

Mutant Panda meets Boymeetsboyblog

Hey guys!!! Today's post is brought to you by my friend over at Mutant Panda Blog, Lex. I asked him to allow me into his world and tell me how a bisexual man negotiates between the ever so fluid lines of categories, sexualities, and well life. Thank you Lex!! xo-- Danni, www.boymeetsboyblog.com

A while ago Daniel and I discussed doing this whole blog switcheroo thingumabob. Thing is, I’m pretty slow on these things. But it’s not for a lack of excitement. Now that I've actually followed through I am quite honored to be here.

A bit about me:

I’m Lex and I write a little blog called ‘Mutant Panda.’ I started my blog at the beginning of this year after a series of unfortunate events almost led to the utter decimation of my marriage and a near mental breakdown. You see, I’m bisexual (though I have a strong dislike of labels) and my initial attempt to live as such went awry. I partied too much, fell in love with a man, alienated people, cheated on my wife, and various other morally questionable things. It was an utter fucking mess! But my blogging has helped me put my mental house back in order. That’s not everything about me but it’s enough to get us started here today.

Soon after my “coming out” my wife and I found ourselves with a circle of gay friends. This is noteworthy as beforehand we were pretty domesticated people who’d not had a lot of opportunities to socialize. Having three kids will do that. Children will reduce your social life to reruns of “Roseanne” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” But there we were with plans each and every Friday and Saturday night. Barhopping and parties became the status quo. It was lots of drinking and dancing and early morning breakfasts (and maybe a three-way or more-way sexual encounter here and there). And it was fun! LOTS OF FUN!

But gay culture is a very complex thing to negotiate, especially for someone like me, prone to becoming addicted to attention and having few mental restraints. Suddenly I was hit with all the things that I assume come with being a part of this rainbow world. I became concerned with my outer appearance, my style of dress, and drinking. And oh how I drank. What I wasn’t prepared for were the undercurrents of judgment and insecurity that seemed to be everywhere around me.

There is so much pressure on gays and lesbians to be something more. Prettier! Younger! Richer! And so many of the men (and women) I’ve met and watched struggled between this duality of trying to be the ideal and seeking the ideal. I too felt the pressure on me to be in the best shape, wearing the sexiest clothing, and spending money I really didn’t need to in order to meet the high standard expected. But for what? Ultimately none of what I did impressed anyone.

Sure, these guys we found ourselves surrounded with might not be the norm (though I suspect this is more common than even I realize). But the gay culture is so influenced by imagery of fashion and pornography in a way that is so much more impacting than even in hetero-culture. Imagery of beautiful men with six-pack abs and firm, tight asses, which wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t also this sense of sexual openness and proclivity toward boredom all stemming from a desire to be wanted.

What do I mean by that last part? I was talking to a woman who is close to my age (I’m forty-one, if you’re curious) and she was telling me about how her lesbian experience has been one of being used and replaced constantly by women. She summarized this by saying that lesbians, and gays, are all seeking those feelings of love and belonging they don’t get from family because they’re homosexual. It was so sad to hear but it made this perfect sort of sense. I saw this type of behavior frequently and this woman had finally given me the cause for it.

I really hope I don’t sound like I’m bashing gays. I really feel that’s the worst thing a bisexual man can do. But gay culture is a tough place to exist within even as a tourist like I sometimes am. Your world of fashion and flesh is a hard one to negotiate. At the end of the day, sure, I get to go home and be with the woman I love but when I am in the Dallas’ Gayborhood or hitting a bar in Ft. Worth I feel that same sense of insecurity that I suspect so many of you live with. Eyes watching, assessing, and attributing value to surface qualities. All this with an intent to engage in something for a night or for as long as it takes for something better to come along.

As I said, I’m a tourist. I’m coming to your house and telling you that the family recipe that’s been handed down from generation to generation is bland. Well, I’m sorry to say this but you guys really need to learn to not be so shallow. My hope is that you’ll learn to look beyond the bronze tans, sculpted pecs, and ginormous cocks to something else, something deeper, something more beautiful than the shell. For all that insecurity and judgment each and every person, no matter how they feel about me now, are beautiful be they straight, bisexual, lesbian, or gay. You are too.

Mutant Panda Blog | Queer Syndicate | Facebook | Twitter

Letters to the One I Loved, Post Script

Dear you,

That all too familiar embrace and the smell of your cologne...against my body, sent me back to a place I had put away completely. You said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello.

Earlier that day my friend and I were talking about going to the bar. So I sat around until he sent me his text message of, I am here. That was my cue to go and get ready for a night of drinking and drag queens. A night you loved going to when we were together, but the past year I never saw you. Off I went to get ready, throwing my chukka boots, skinny jeans, and a cute blocked t-shirt. I was set. My friend texted me, ok, I read your blog, it may come to fruition. At least letting you know so you can be mentally prepared for the possible encounter. I had no idea what he was talking about, shit I have written so much within the past year. Things I am sure you have read over the course of time...after all you did message me to not post certain things about our relationship, after the fact that I did.

There I am at the bar, making my way through the dimly lit corridor, trying to find a familiar face. All that is staring back at me are distant faces, smiling, giving me nods...probably wondering if this is the one for tonight. As I finally reach the back, my friends hands are in the air waving me down. Introductions are in place because there is a new boyfriend. And then, my friend pulls me to the side asking if I got his text message. I said, yeah I got it, but I don't know what you are talking about. He turned me around...and there YOU were. Sitting having a beer with a few other mutual friends. Now the text message made sense. This moment...this place...this time, I had written about. I froze.

Time had stood still until I was able to shake off the fact that we were in the same vicinity. Like an ass, I waved to the mutual friends from afar, fearing going up and being rejected. We are adults, right? I couldn't bring myself to go up there and to even say a courtesy hello...a hello to open the doors between communication. Instantly my friend knew that I wasn't going to be fine. Mentally I thought I was prepared for all of this...fuck, I was wrong. All I could think about was what people would say, mostly what you would say. Where you gonna be an adult and let it be? Where you gonna play the bitchy gay guy who needs to tell all his friends that his ex is here? Making sure to finger and point and have everyone look, that way you notice you are being noticed. My mind was everywhere but where it should be. So I took another drink.

As the night progressed, we glanced at each other but never a nod, not even a slight finger wave. We pretended to look away. My friends and I decided to go watch the drag show. I dwelled on the idea of what would happen, what would be said. Was I the asshole for not being the adult and going up to him? Afterall, wasn't it I that wanted to cement a new friendship or renew the one we had?

After getting bored from watching the ever so predictable drag show, Raven was performing along with her friends and Morgan McMichaels, we walked to the back so my friend could have a smoke. Casually we walked to the very back and there we stood. You were right next to me with your back turned. Truth is at this point I was fine, I was ready for the hello. We both slowly turned and caught each other's attention but neither one of us said a word. Instead our friends turned us around...I think we both could die.

What was keeping us from saying anything? Where you feeling the same way or did you want to punch my guts out for what I had written about? Why wasn't I mad? Truth is the mad I felt a long time ago went away. I had moved away from being mad, depressed, pensive of everything that had happened. I knew letting go and trying to be friends would be the best...for me. Despite what all my friends were telling me, I needed it. I needed to hear it. Whatever it was or wasn't.

The night was coming to an end and my friends wanted to go. So we gathered in a corner to say our goodbyes. Then my heart stopped. Your face was right there in front of me. This time we both couldn't pretend we didn't see each other. You pulled me aside. What was I waiting for? Trying to listen to your soft voice over the loud music, you said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello, but I pretended and acted coy as if I couldn't hear you.

Truth is I heard you say it the first time, I just wanted to hear your voice for what might have been the last time we crossed paths and for the finalization of my mental process. Our night was over and so was the party...and I learned it's gonna be alright. We are alright.