Hey guys!!! Today's post is brought to you by my friend over at Mutant Panda Blog, Lex. I asked him to allow me into his world and tell me how a bisexual man negotiates between the ever so fluid lines of categories, sexualities, and well life. Thank you Lex!! xo-- Danni, www.boymeetsboyblog.com
A while ago Daniel and I discussed doing this whole blog switcheroo thingumabob. Thing is, I’m pretty slow on these things. But it’s not for a lack of excitement. Now that I've actually followed through I am quite honored to be here.
A bit about me:
I’m Lex and I write a little blog called ‘Mutant Panda.’ I started my blog at the beginning of this year after a series of unfortunate events almost led to the utter decimation of my marriage and a near mental breakdown. You see, I’m bisexual (though I have a strong dislike of labels) and my initial attempt to live as such went awry. I partied too much, fell in love with a man, alienated people, cheated on my wife, and various other morally questionable things. It was an utter fucking mess! But my blogging has helped me put my mental house back in order. That’s not everything about me but it’s enough to get us started here today.
Soon after my “coming out” my wife and I found ourselves with a circle of gay friends. This is noteworthy as beforehand we were pretty domesticated people who’d not had a lot of opportunities to socialize. Having three kids will do that. Children will reduce your social life to reruns of “Roseanne” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.” But there we were with plans each and every Friday and Saturday night. Barhopping and parties became the status quo. It was lots of drinking and dancing and early morning breakfasts (and maybe a three-way or more-way sexual encounter here and there). And it was fun! LOTS OF FUN!
But gay culture is a very complex thing to negotiate, especially for someone like me, prone to becoming addicted to attention and having few mental restraints. Suddenly I was hit with all the things that I assume come with being a part of this rainbow world. I became concerned with my outer appearance, my style of dress, and drinking. And oh how I drank. What I wasn’t prepared for were the undercurrents of judgment and insecurity that seemed to be everywhere around me.
There is so much pressure on gays and lesbians to be something more. Prettier! Younger! Richer! And so many of the men (and women) I’ve met and watched struggled between this duality of trying to be the ideal and seeking the ideal. I too felt the pressure on me to be in the best shape, wearing the sexiest clothing, and spending money I really didn’t need to in order to meet the high standard expected. But for what? Ultimately none of what I did impressed anyone.
Sure, these guys we found ourselves surrounded with might not be the norm (though I suspect this is more common than even I realize). But the gay culture is so influenced by imagery of fashion and pornography in a way that is so much more impacting than even in hetero-culture. Imagery of beautiful men with six-pack abs and firm, tight asses, which wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t also this sense of sexual openness and proclivity toward boredom all stemming from a desire to be wanted.
What do I mean by that last part? I was talking to a woman who is close to my age (I’m forty-one, if you’re curious) and she was telling me about how her lesbian experience has been one of being used and replaced constantly by women. She summarized this by saying that lesbians, and gays, are all seeking those feelings of love and belonging they don’t get from family because they’re homosexual. It was so sad to hear but it made this perfect sort of sense. I saw this type of behavior frequently and this woman had finally given me the cause for it.
I really hope I don’t sound like I’m bashing gays. I really feel that’s the worst thing a bisexual man can do. But gay culture is a tough place to exist within even as a tourist like I sometimes am. Your world of fashion and flesh is a hard one to negotiate. At the end of the day, sure, I get to go home and be with the woman I love but when I am in the Dallas’ Gayborhood or hitting a bar in Ft. Worth I feel that same sense of insecurity that I suspect so many of you live with. Eyes watching, assessing, and attributing value to surface qualities. All this with an intent to engage in something for a night or for as long as it takes for something better to come along.
As I said, I’m a tourist. I’m coming to your house and telling you that the family recipe that’s been handed down from generation to generation is bland. Well, I’m sorry to say this but you guys really need to learn to not be so shallow. My hope is that you’ll learn to look beyond the bronze tans, sculpted pecs, and ginormous cocks to something else, something deeper, something more beautiful than the shell. For all that insecurity and judgment each and every person, no matter how they feel about me now, are beautiful be they straight, bisexual, lesbian, or gay. You are too.