Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Letters to the One I Loved, Post Script
That all too familiar embrace and the smell of your cologne...against my body, sent me back to a place I had put away completely. You said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello.
Earlier that day my friend and I were talking about going to the bar. So I sat around until he sent me his text message of, I am here. That was my cue to go and get ready for a night of drinking and drag queens. A night you loved going to when we were together, but the past year I never saw you. Off I went to get ready, throwing my chukka boots, skinny jeans, and a cute blocked t-shirt. I was set. My friend texted me, ok, I read your blog, it may come to fruition. At least letting you know so you can be mentally prepared for the possible encounter. I had no idea what he was talking about, shit I have written so much within the past year. Things I am sure you have read over the course of time...after all you did message me to not post certain things about our relationship, after the fact that I did.
There I am at the bar, making my way through the dimly lit corridor, trying to find a familiar face. All that is staring back at me are distant faces, smiling, giving me nods...probably wondering if this is the one for tonight. As I finally reach the back, my friends hands are in the air waving me down. Introductions are in place because there is a new boyfriend. And then, my friend pulls me to the side asking if I got his text message. I said, yeah I got it, but I don't know what you are talking about. He turned me around...and there YOU were. Sitting having a beer with a few other mutual friends. Now the text message made sense. This moment...this place...this time, I had written about. I froze.
Time had stood still until I was able to shake off the fact that we were in the same vicinity. Like an ass, I waved to the mutual friends from afar, fearing going up and being rejected. We are adults, right? I couldn't bring myself to go up there and to even say a courtesy hello...a hello to open the doors between communication. Instantly my friend knew that I wasn't going to be fine. Mentally I thought I was prepared for all of this...fuck, I was wrong. All I could think about was what people would say, mostly what you would say. Where you gonna be an adult and let it be? Where you gonna play the bitchy gay guy who needs to tell all his friends that his ex is here? Making sure to finger and point and have everyone look, that way you notice you are being noticed. My mind was everywhere but where it should be. So I took another drink.
As the night progressed, we glanced at each other but never a nod, not even a slight finger wave. We pretended to look away. My friends and I decided to go watch the drag show. I dwelled on the idea of what would happen, what would be said. Was I the asshole for not being the adult and going up to him? Afterall, wasn't it I that wanted to cement a new friendship or renew the one we had?
After getting bored from watching the ever so predictable drag show, Raven was performing along with her friends and Morgan McMichaels, we walked to the back so my friend could have a smoke. Casually we walked to the very back and there we stood. You were right next to me with your back turned. Truth is at this point I was fine, I was ready for the hello. We both slowly turned and caught each other's attention but neither one of us said a word. Instead our friends turned us around...I think we both could die.
What was keeping us from saying anything? Where you feeling the same way or did you want to punch my guts out for what I had written about? Why wasn't I mad? Truth is the mad I felt a long time ago went away. I had moved away from being mad, depressed, pensive of everything that had happened. I knew letting go and trying to be friends would be the best...for me. Despite what all my friends were telling me, I needed it. I needed to hear it. Whatever it was or wasn't.
The night was coming to an end and my friends wanted to go. So we gathered in a corner to say our goodbyes. Then my heart stopped. Your face was right there in front of me. This time we both couldn't pretend we didn't see each other. You pulled me aside. What was I waiting for? Trying to listen to your soft voice over the loud music, you said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello, but I pretended and acted coy as if I couldn't hear you.
Truth is I heard you say it the first time, I just wanted to hear your voice for what might have been the last time we crossed paths and for the finalization of my mental process. Our night was over and so was the party...and I learned it's gonna be alright. We are alright.