Monday, August 1, 2011

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 13, The Second Date

photo by Alan Ilagan

At this point we have all gone on a few first dates, good and bad. For those of you who have SURVIVED, congratulations! On to the second date. The first date might be the hardest, but how does one land the second date? Are there tell tale signs? Do you wait a couple of days before you ask, text, Facebook message him? Maybe he didn't really like you and instead faked a great first date. Here is the security deposit to the Second Date. The signs you should watch for, the text of his speech, his body language, and of course the things you shouldn't do to NOT get a second date. In order to fully understand if there is a promise of a second date we must dissect the first date.

Initial Contact
You know mom always said, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so make it count! If there will be a second date, you better shine on the first, and it all starts out at the beginning. Do you have fresh breathe? Always make sure to shower and apply deodorant. Be on time. It's alright to be old fashioned and dare we say it, courteous on the first date...if it isn't you, maybe you should give it a shot!

1. If you have already chatted a bit and know you two like each other, charm him. Open the car door for him, be a gentleman. Just because we are gay doesn't mean chivalry and romance go out the window. Think with your head, and not the one between your legs. Plus, this might leave a lasting impression after the first date is over and he goes and dishes with his friends...and he opened the door for me.

2. Being on time is definitely high up there. If one is buying into the whole idea of relationships being a business transaction, then one should ALWAYS be on time. Are you ever late to an interview? NO! In life, I have learned the rule of being 15 minutes everything. If you are running late, be courteous and send a message to him. You don't want him thinking he is being stood up, right?

The Maincourse
Once hellos are all in order and you managed to make it out to your destination, the real show begins. Like a meal, the middle of the date is the most important to creating the second date. What you say will have an impact, so choose your topics wisely, and don't be afraid to stray away from things you might not feel comfortable talking about just yet.

3. Allow them to join in on the conversation. Don't dominate the date. I am sure you have some interesting insights about politics, religion, lifestyle, and maybe you feel the government is watching you through Facebook. This isn't the time to discuss THAT! If so, what did you really learn about them?

4. DON'T talk about politics, religion, lifestyle...just yet. That can kill the first date (if you have opposed ideologies)  and then there will be no second date. It doesn't ALWAYS have to be about your views being right, you know what they say, opposites attract.

5. Body language is one of the most important keys to figuring out if he is feeling you on the first date and give way to any inclinations for a second date. Is he attentive to what you are saying? Or, is he just glossed over looking past you?

6. Full facial contact. Wait right there, get the idea of cock in your face or full make out session out of your mind, that's not what I am talking about here. If a guy is fully engaged in the date his face will make full contact. He will be smiling, his eyes open up and react to comments or your stories, he is fully vested in what YOU are doing. If you are both doing it at the same time, then BONUS, you are both having a great first date which means you are on the way to a second date. As long ask you ask.

Ending the date
Wow, so much was said. You both were fully engaged in a face fuck of conversation. This is probably the point where you begin to second guess yourself about how EVERYTHING went during the date. STOP it! Wipe your hands, take a deep breath and let him know if YOU had a good time. This is the point where the first date can end and give way to the second date in a matter of seconds, minutes, or days. Ending the date is the same as writing a thesis, reiterate what happened and follow it up with, I had a lot of fun [insert awkward nervous laugh and pray he did too].

7. If you had a good time, say it. If he is shy or maybe insecure, you telling him will hopefully prompt him to know that you are in for a second date.

8. Ask for the second date. Some people will say that maybe you should wait a few days, a week, and give the guy and yourself some time to reflect on what happened. Maybe hang out with your friends, give them the dish of the date and get their feedback. I say, do whatever you feel is right. I have been asked out on a second date right after the first one ended. It's all about approach.

Post First Date
Is he going to call me back? Will he text me? Maybe he will send me a private Facebook/Twitter message. Wait, should I call him back and ask him out? Oh no, I said the wrong thing. I was picking at my face the whole time, my hair was bad. Post date anything, we freak out if things don't happen according to plan. Guess what? There really isn't a set plan to the after-date. If he likes you, he probably said it. If he had a great time, guess what? He also probably said it. So don't text him once every hour without a reply. Let him settle in, or if you were lucky you had already made plans for the next date during the first. Great job!

9. How persistent should someone be after the first date? Well, like I said it is about approach. If he wasn't into you during the first date then you would have known. It's been my experience that gay men, tend to tell it how it is. Either verbally or physically. If you didn't pick up on it, then send out a message after the first date. Say, hi, how have you been? DON'T do it every hour! Have some restraint. If after a couple of days nothing, then let it go. If he really wants to go on a second date and he is busy, he can contact you. Messaging works both ways. Period.

10. If during the first date, they say, I can't wait to do this again. Or, this is so refreshing to go on such a great date. You are a shoe in! Set something up, maybe you both discussed something you BOTH really wanted to do, or there is a great art exhibit you both have been dying to see. Ask him out!


  1. So many of us just seem to want to go on first dates so they can put another notch on their belts. How many first dates should you limit yourself to in one week, a month? When do people start to think of you as a whore because you go on so many. Maybe I should tell friends I'm hanging out with another friend, then they won't think I'm so desperate for a man. I need a man who can do car repairs and fix the garbage disposal, you know man stuff. If thats all good but his sex drive isn't a match for mine, I can always fuck around on him lols

  2. haha that's why there are mechanics, electricians, plumbers, etc to take care of the man stuff. First dates as a notch? I have never heard of that but it sounds interesting. Do you think gay guys, and I generalize here, use the "first date" as a means to JUST have sex? They build you up and then drop you?

  3. cmon sure you have heard of it! What about it sounds interesting? Its male nature. And of course they use first dates for sex. Don't you? How many times in 2011 have you done more than kiss a guy the first time you've met? Guys do anything to get some. I'm guilty, your guilty. Lets face it most of these articles on here are sexually charged, you have sex on the brain a lot, no?

  4. I feel ya completely...I think people try to repress their sexual nature sometimes...other well don't. I believe in just being yourself and if that's what you do then go for it...just wear a condom. When I date I have to say...I actually date and not for sex. Have I had sex on the first date? Of course, did dating ensue afterwards, yup. If sex is all you want then skip the bullshit and just call it what it is a "fuck date" but damn if that's what it'll be I don't think I should have to pay a dinner for it. haha.

  5. so are you up front with the guy when you go out about sex? You wouldn't date a guy if you weren't interested in having a relationship, right? Thats the whole point of dating i believe. And its cool to hook up, but you should tell the guy your not interested in anything else cause it would be pretty whacked to lead him on. Such a fag thing to do and it happens all the time

  6. If I am going out for the sole purpose of getting laid, lets be honest it's not a date. It's a hook up and if that were the case then yes he would know it, and I am pretty sure he would know it too. If on the first date he asked, have or would I ever have sex on the first date, I would say that would completely depend on how we interact through out the date. If it gets to a point we get back to his place and it gets hot and heavy and we both want to, then yeah. Yeah and it's true...I was on a date once where that is all it was...a way to get sex. It's like c'mon we are adults lets be honest to each other and be upfront. Some guy, rather gay or not, lead people on...they play a game and take it to a whole other level.

  7. I wish I could LIKE anon's messages on here...they are good points!

  8. I can go on about this all day! I wish guys could just be honest with each other about what they want. I stopped dating for a long time because I got tired of guys saying that they wanted to hang out, get to know each other or whatever, then really all they wanted was to hook up. I'm a big boy, if you want sex I'm fine with that but be honest. And yeah, if we do it more than once and we kiss a lot I may very easily develop an emotional attachment to you. If you want to just hang out and get to know each other I think thats even better, when the time comes for sex its even more gratifying in my opinion. Random sex is satisfying physically but otherwise its an empty act. Its like taking a shit, purely a physical function. I can never get a second date, I don't know if its my personality, or maybe I'm just plain unattractive. The clock is ticking, I just turned 34 and you know thats nearly dead in gay years. Almost time to retire to Palm Springs where homos go to die...

  9. I never dated my wife. In fact, thinking back, I believe I've only ever been on one real date ... and that ended with me puking. Looks like I missed this whole right of passage of the human experience.

  10. My first date with Roo was amazing. Neither of us wanted it to end. We ended up at his place and had an amazing make out session. Both of us used restraint to not have sex, however I think we both wanted to. We made plans for a 2nd date and had an equally amazing time and there was no question that sex was going to happen that night. LOL I agree with Daniel, there are no what feels right with the two of you. However, I do believe there is something to leaving something to look forward to on a 2nd date. Leave them wanting more.
    I have been on dates where I couldn't possibly imagine going on a 2nd date, but did want to at least get my monies I'd have sex just to get it over with. LOL Tacky...I know.

  11. Lex, I think dating during a relationship, even an LTR is always necessary. I think that was one of the low points, for lack of a better phrase, in my 9 year relationship. At some point we just stopped dating and going out. Work and life got in the way too much. So take your wife out on a date...make it a date night every week!

    Aunt Phyllis it isn't tacky. Shoot, just call it what it is sometimes...a fuck date. Next time skip paying haha.

  12. Romance in an LTR be it a straight, bisexual or gay one can come from any of the participants. If you want something romantic to happen, don't sit around and wait for it to come. Make it happen yourself. Isn't the issue pretty much always the same? COMMUNICATE! You know, some people are tired after a long week at work and may not want to go out for date night every week. I do think its important to do it on a regular basis. But life does get in the way. I think thats totally normal. Its unfair to penalize someone for that though. It might be time to sit down and say "Hey we haven't done anything special together in awhile, we need to make some time." Maybe just do more "Life" things together. Put a little care in the things you do for your partner, maybe a surprise. A note here or there, pack a special little something for a lunch for them. Let them know they are special, and that they are on your mind. I love the little touches.

    Auntie, I thinks its cool that you didn't shack up on your first date. Sometimes the anticipation just makes things that much hotter when the time comes. And you knew that there was a lot more than physical attraction going on too no doubt :-)

    I now categorize guys into 3 groups:

    Fucks: Guys with whom you have a cordial, yet purely physical relationship with. Really the only interaction you have with him is your next appointment to fuck. Date type events such as meals, movies, etc. not necessary. This is where sex as a purely physical function comes in to play...
    Friends: Guys who you spend real quality time with. Movies, outdoor activities, shopping, bar hopping, lounging, bitching about life, etc. No sex! Huge mistake!
    BF/Mate/Partner: Obvious. The possible person to spend the rest of your life with. Also, shouldn't this person really be your closest friend, your confidant? The first person you run to when you need help?

    Don't mix and match these categories, it just fucks life up haha.

  13. Definitely, romance come from both just seems sometimes one expresses it a little more than the other. And, that is alright...but definitely it should come from both sides. It is always those small little unexpected things.

    I remember when I was first dating the 9 -year relationship, I would stay over on the weekends after my school week out in LA. Every Monday morning when I woke up and got ready to leave, I would leave a note on his fridge...the place he most frequented, letting him know that I had a beautiful weekend and looked forward to the next. The small things are what go the furthest.

    The categories are great, but what do you do when one does become a little more...isn't that alright? I mean yes, it makes sense to not mix and match...but lets be realistic, life is messy when it comes to categories, they have fluid walls that allow you to go back and the end I think it is necessary to stay true to what you want, but you can't blame the other person for growing feelings at some point, or losing them. Shit's what you do afterwards.

  14. I agree with everything you said, but I need my categories. I let my emotions get to out of hand and it nearly killed me inside. I'm not the same person now. Which is ok I suppose, it allowed my to look at myself and my life a bit differently. But I constantly ask my self what I did wrong, or maybe I'm deficient in some way? I dunno. Either way I'm having a really difficult time allowing myself to develop feelings for anyone else.