Breaking Up V4.0 ; The Impasse to Indifference

There we were, our skin touched by the soft incandescent light that came from the bedside lamp. As we laid there wrapped in each other's embrace, our bodies touching from head to toe, we were quietly lost in thought. And then..."What do you think about us? I feel like we are at an impasse in our relationship."

THUMP. We were at an impasse, and a decision had to be made.

We had been here before, the discussion of what is to come in the relationship. The first time was when he was leaving to visit family and we discussed the fact that there are a few things we both want and don't want in a long term relationship. After all, that was the goal of dating and having a relationship with the both of us. We both, at one time discussed family and the whole white picket fence scenario. Scary, I know. Growing up I knew that at some point I would want to settle down and have just that, a family. A family I could call my own. On the other hand, he never saw this in his future. We both knew it from the get go. Instead of just parting ways then and there, we both figured we were having fun with each other. We enjoyed spending time with each other; going on dates, hanging out at his house in the evenings. At the same time, we had both decided to take off the boyfriend status. Sadly, it only lasted a couple of weeks. At the time he asked, we both felt it was right, we were both caught in the moment.

We were both sitting down in his kitchen, gazing into each other's eyes. As he looked over to me, with his hazel eyes, he skirted around the question. Building it with the anticipation and me trying to draw out of him...do you want to be boyfriends?

But there we were, right before him going to see his family. Locked in his bedroom while his out of town guest was in the other room. We paced around, discussing the feelinga we both had after our own trip to Los Olivos, and right before becoming boyfriends. The idea of wanting a family and building something that one of us didn't want.

What was happening? We were prolonging the inevitable parting of ways.

Bottomline: I don't want it to just be TWO for the rest of my life.

We continued on after he came back from his trip. But things had changed. Things were said. A few days ago as I was prepping for some work and trying to get events organized. I went out to meet him and his friends. I figured we were going on a double date to dinner and a movie. This wasn't the case. There I was strolling down Main Street in Huntington Beach, dressed up, since I had gone right after work; Khakis and a striped shirt, dress shoes in tow. He signaled to me, "Well, we already started drinking, so you need to get on board." As for me, I wasn't looking to drink, I just wanted to relax, have a good meal, and watch a movie, as we had planned. As we began our ascent to one of the bars, I noticed there was another person there...it was now five of us. Automatically I felt my night had ended, and I was the 5th wheel. Plus, it didn't help that I was living in my head, struggling about issues going on at work.

Eating shabu shabu, I decided that I would just take off after dinner. My honesty vomit came up and said it, of course he was saddened. They began to round up their bikes and I began to say goodbye. He leaned in, gave me a strong hug, said, "I love you." We let go...I looked at him and said goodbye.

The impasse had become palpable, to the point where it was becoming visible to others...

We both had felt it coming, that day brought us to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen.

There I stood, sullen at the impasse to my indifference. I have known this feeling all too much.

The (ap)PARENT Trap

Dads, moms, brothers, sisters, and every one else in between. There comes a time when we must bring the significant-other home and have them meet the parentals. Apparently, no one ever told me to never do this on family celebrations, such as your father's birthday. SURPRISE DAD! Oh, and here is your future son-in-law...and some wine! Enjoy!

My boyfriend and I, at the time, had been going out for about two months, and we both knew it was pretty serious. I spent the night at his apartment every weekend, when I wasn't in school, and sometimes I would skip school just to be in town. It was during this time that I had made some decisions for myself. I dropped out of a tech school to attend a community college and transfer over to a UC system. When I told my parents of my decision they blamed and vilified my boyfriend. My dad would tell me "No mas porque te dicen cosas bonitas en la oreja creas todo. No te ama. Es un pinche cabron!" Mouthful. Lets translate this, "Just because he whispers sweet nothings to you, you believe everything. He doesn't love you. He is a pinche cabron!" End of story, my father thought I was leaving school because of my boyfriend. I was. But I wasn't leaving school, my boyfriend taught me to want more, and he saw the potential in me to become much more. Something I lacked at the time, encouragement.

January 25th, 2002. I told my boyfriend we would be going to see my family. They were having a bar-b-que. I decided I would dismiss the fact that it was my father's birthday. After, I told him what my dad had said, he was nervous, scared, and didn't know if it would ever be a great idea to meet my parents, especially my dad. Nonetheless he went, but he took a bottle of wine.

Down the freeway we went. I had about 30 minutes to drop the fact that it was also my dad's birthday. My boyfriend was never one for much conversation, so there was a lot of quiet time and no room to spring up the fact we were going to my parents for a birthday. So, like always, I blurt it out amidst  the stillness. He shouts, "WHAT!?!"

As we exit the car in front of my parent's house, I can see the look on his face. It was a hint of terror and "Oh, you're gonna get it later." The doorbell rings and my mom answers. My mom, the most calm and inviting host, brings us in and introduces herself to my boyfriend. Great, she smiled! Then comes the family. Perfect! They are laughing with him and my nephew is already playing with him. Four family members down, next up...my dad. My boyfriend goes over, introduces himself, and says, "Happy Birthday. I brought you a little gift. Some wine." Before I knew it the bottle was open, the candles were extinguished, and my dad and boyfriend were having a great time laughing and enjoying the bottle of wine.

Maybe there is never a real perfect time to meet the parents, sometimes it comes as a surprise, and other times it is planned. Or, in some cases meeting the parent's will never happen. Just remember, when and if it does occur, this person can be a big impact on your family, so don't tread on it lightly. In all, always remember a bottle of wine!

When did you meet the parents? Tell me your story! And, when do you think is the right time, if there is such a thing, and why?

The 9AM Boyfriend Wake-Up Call

So you have been dating someone for awhile, and before you know it you are talking about the boyfriend/girlfriend label. I know it is the logical order of dating. You meet, have some tea together, discuss popular culture and how Lady Gaga has infiltrated our daily lives and how Obama is the Lady Gaga of the United States, and wham he asks if you want to be boyfriends. Now, frankly, that would be the ideal situation, but what about in the morning as you are waking up and your hair is a mess?

9AM, pomade still stuck in your hair, and there you are about to discuss the serious proposal of becoming boyfriends. Fuck, I already sound like I am opposed to the idea. I am not! I just think that bringing someone into my life right now isn't the best, and I believe becoming boyfriends would put me back at square one and cause me to change into that person again. That person that becomes so consumed with someone else that they lose track of who they were and are.

Before I knew it, that is what I said out loud. Yeah, my mouth can get me into trouble...most of the time. Mr. Pseudo-9AM-bf told me that I don't have to change myself and who I am. True, I don't. For the past few days though, I have been contemplating that adding that label would cause a change. After all becoming boyfriends adds another level, a depth to what we have at the moment. A depth that I most honestly am scared about.

Why so scared? I am a self-professed relationship monster. Since high school I have ALWAYS been in a relationship. I want to know how to function on my own, as a single person. There is no shame in being a single person. What is worse I don't know what it is I WANT to do with ME. I have so many ideas of my career goals, passions, loves...and if I can find someone to share them with me at the moment (without the boyfriend label) even better! It may not be fair to the other person, but I am not one to hide what I am looking for if asked about it. I am honest, maybe too honest. I would rather the person like me for me and ALL of me...and willing to understand that the boyfriend status isn't right for me...right now.

9:15AM, laying in bed, still half lucid...he is now pissed.

My Father, The Son, and My Lover

I remember the day I came home from a long day at work. It was about 10pm. My partner, at the time, comes out of the kitchen to greet me. He speaks softly, "Your dad just called, something is wrong and I think it's better if he tells you." So, I called him. There I was...dead silent, panicking, then rage came out. Fuck you dad! I hope you die. What was so bad you might ask, my dad called me after he got really sick with being with his new girlfriend. Yeah, girlfriend. My parents were and are still married.

I threw the phone so hard that it broke. There I was in fetal position crying. My partner trying to console me, and all I could do was cry. My father told me to not tell my mom. I could never do such a thing. My mom was my rock, she was/is the person I admired and looked up to. How could someone hurt my mom? Especially my dad. She was the one who was there for him when he lost his job, when his parents passed away, she is the glue that kept him and us together.

A year had gone by, my dad and I never spoke. I would visit my family at least once a week making sure to go when he wasn't there.

Christmas passed and New Years Eve came around. My mom pulled us aside and wanted us to reconcile. Those were her wishes for the New Year. There we stood, the man I was becoming and the man that he was frauding to be. He began to cry. My dad, the man who never showed any emotion to me or my sister...was hunched over, crying. He never thought he would see the day that his son would wish him off. I explained why and he listened. Then he proceeded to tell me what spiralled him into this ordeal. I listened.

Then I knew why I was mad. I saw myself in my dad. I fucked up my relationship because I spiralled myself into a hate, depression, and self-loathing. I screwed around to make me feel like I had the upper hand in all of my situations.

I...I...I...I...fuck it, it was I!

I was the death of my relationship. My dad helped me realize it. The next four years were spent making them up to my partner, but inside I knew it would never be the same. I tried to mend my ways, be monogamous, but I could never do it for myself and it wasnt fair for him. In life he taught me a lot. He was my confidante, mentor, above all my best friend and lover. He deserved more than what I could offer. I needed to find myself and make myself happy first. In my last post I wrote about how I needed him for my emotional stability. This time I was learning that I needed to find my own emotional stability...inside of me.

Skype: The Death of Long Distance Dating/Relationship

Almost 20 years ago, in a far far away land, called the UK, the webcam was born. Thank God/Man! Where would we be today without the webcam? Think of all the events we would miss, all the birthdays of family members in distant parts of the world, friends who move out of state, the list is endless. Webcams have allowed us to save money on traveling, especially in this economy. Let us not forget webcams allowed us to meet new people, video-chat, and for some, the ability to get naked, sex-chat (the new sexting), and even date!

Now I know what some of you are thinking, webcams are for getting naked and having cyber-sex! Cyber-sex, now there is a term that has met it's death. I am not going to deny it, I am guilty of it. I have on more than one occasion undressed for someone to see, and fuck even came for them. That was a mess...literally! But aside from the getting naked, webcams have definitely allowed us a new method to meeting someone and getting to know them, especially with the advent of new cam-dating sites, such as GaySharkTank.com.

A couple of a weeks ago I met someone who was down visiting some friends. He is originally from Nor-Cal (for all you non-California people, that's Northern California), plays the piano, does funny little vids, and laughs like a monster. He too is a love monster! From the get go I told myself I can not like this guy, I will not like this guy, he lives far away, and...I don't believe in long distance dating/getting-to-know-each-other/relationships. Fuck, I am needy, I want them to be there as much as possible, I need to feel the touch of a real human being, other than myself.

There we were, he was down for three more days and we spent them together. It was fun, exciting, new, and I still was telling myself to not like him. The last night we chatted about hanging out when ever he comes out again...actually there was more in depth conversation, but that's for later. He seemed bummed, his face became long, he became quiet. Shit, I fucked it up! He left thinking I was giving him the re-warmed already served platter of the blow-off line.

I decided I would make an effort...so I downloaded Skype. Well he made me. So I did. Here we are a week later Skype-ing it up! It's our mini dates until we see each other in person again. It's fun, it's crazy, he gets to see me at the oddest times. Such as after working out and getting my gay boy fitness on. Or after a long day of putzing around. It's as if we never skipped a beat from the day we met.

Sounding like the Skype convert now, I can see why long distance dating/relationships can be easy. As long as some effort is put into it from both parties. Definitely it is a commitment. Yet I still hold to the fact that I need the personal touch of that person...frankly I would appreciate it every day. For now Skype will do. Plus it allows us to get to know each other, be silly on cam. He feeds me Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (my favorite...feel free to send me some if you like), and we growl at each other, because we are love monsters. When we feel the need to restart the conversation or change ideas we tchk! each other. Sure we can call each other, but seeing the face of the person makes all the difference! Plus it is hilarious when Skype freezes and the face is left distorted...screen shots for bribing later!

Skype makes it feel not so long distance, it takes those boundaries away. No county lines, there isn't a Nor-Cal/So-Cal, just two people making an effort to get to know each other. So lets take it from there!

Brrrrrt! Brrrrt! That's my Skype going...so I must get!

Love 1.0.2: Redefining the Relationship

It is hard to write about this idea without falling into stereotypes, ideologies, Truths (capital T), gender/sexuality identities. It's a fuck cluster of contradictions and reifications. Tradition seems to be a hold fast, and as a gay man/community, we try to define ourselves as normal or to the normal. After all, we are all striving for the same, so better to leave gender/sexuality out, right? But, by all means, we live in a label socialized world. Even within our own community we push our own propaganda/agenda. Be it, gender, sex, physical ability, beauty, money, the list goes on. Exactly how does relationship and the idea of what it is play in this? Explore the idea with me...

As a gay man, I have the ability to decorate the idea of traditional relationship in my own terms. We can create the rules, we can create our own normalcy, in whatever terms we so desire. The open relationship, polyamory, 3somes, NSA.... Yes these are the extremes of the idea. In essence they are relationships. Relationships that are formed by two consenting people. But exactly why do we/they do it? Are we/they searching or trying to satisfy the other person in the relationship? Sometimes I feel like people do it to save their relationship or their need to not fully commit to something. Of course this is all inference.

A few weeks back I was discussing this with my friend (because he casually meets up with someone who has an open relationship). Insert pun here, what gay man isn't in an open relationship or open to the idea of it. We explored the idea that maybe because gay men in general aren't allowed, by popular idea, to have a normal relationship, we/they tend to do whatever they so desire. It is a shocker, even to some gay men, when they find out someone has been in a relationship for more than 2 years, monogamously. We search for the flaw, the rules, or exceptions. So it never comes as a shocker if they do choose those ideas, because it has become the default answer in mind.

The other side point is that these two people decided this is what works best for them and their relationship. After all, who are we to say what a relationship is. The only relationship that is every really right is the one that we and the other person are comfortable with. You decide the rules and if they are right for you. You decide to take the relationship where you want to go. Just remember that honesty must and should always be present. Don't allow yourself to do something you would never do. Don't cut off all your ideas of what a relationship is to you. You should be happy in it too!

Some other topics are, when is the right time to have sex? Should we kiss on the first date? How much should we compromise to make a relationship work? Is it alright for me to have my own set of friends and go out with them, alone? Can he? Can I text while we are out together? When is it alright to say I love you? When is the should-we-become-boyfriends talk appropriate? Is it ever?

Fuck, so many questions, so many ideas. I can give you advice, you can ask your friends, truth is, only YOU know what is right for you. Only you know what rules and how you want to define a relationship is. You have to make your own mistakes to figure that out....

Fuck! How did people do it before the Internet?

An Open Letter to 2010/2011

Dear 2010, soon to be 2011;

Fuck! Where did the time go. One year more, or as my mom would say, "one year less." As we close 2010, we look back at everything that happened, release the negativity/bad/ex's/one-night stands, and look forward to another year. Hopefully this time we learned from the mistakes we made in 2010! It's a new year, another round to make new mistakes, to find new crushes/loves, to learn more and more about dating.

I know what you are asking, "HEY boymeetsboyblog.com! What are your New Year Resolutions?" Let us explore the possibilities. My friend told me don't make fantastical promises/goals or easy ones that you set yourself up for accomplishing in less than a day. I suggested we all make wish boards. That idea was instantly turned down.

So here goes...I am looking forward to just relaxing and exploring who I am as an individual. I had spent 9 years of my life with one person. Most people would say, wtf happened!?! You were in love, you had it all, he loves you, the perfect couple. You are right, we probably were. As you see I said, probably. I think one of us was more in love with the other, and the other was in love with the idea of being comfortable and in a relationship. It wasn't 100% a couple, and for that I chose what I chose. The relationship helped me grow into the man I am now...but at the same time it left me naive to dating and meeting people.

Shortly after, I had a brief new relationship/boyfriend. It was perfect (in my mind). He swooned me. I loved him. I gave myself more than I ever had in my not-so-past relationship. Then as quickly as it happened it was gone.

As you can see 2010, you left me broken, but I have slowly picked up the pieces. I am learning the rules to dating. I have learned to protect my heart to guys who play guitars, sing, and have cute scruffy faces. I have learned that one should never date as a boyfriend right off the bat. Don't be so much of a relationship monster/monger.

This new year I plan on focusing on me and those close to me. Taking everything one day at a time. Enjoying the people around me every day that I can. Stop being so scared to take that risk and go for it! Whatever it may be. Be BOLD, be PASSIONATE, let yourself be LOVED and LOVE in return. Just do it all with love and from the heart. Be sincere. Be honest. BE YOU!...hopefully the other person will be too.

I want to write a short song. Do it! I want to shoot a short video! Get to it! I am going to STOP letting my insecurities get the best of me. I am going balls out BABY!

So 2010 I bid thee farewell, and say hello to your friend 2011. Btw 2010, please tell your friend 2011 to be kind to me.

Your friend,

Daniel
xo!

Love 1.0.1: The Relationship Vs. Him

Love, love, love (insert best Lady Gaga impression). I had one of the best conversations with a fellow friend, correction girlfriend *snaps* the other day. She said, "I want to love HIM and not be in love with the relationship." Now that was a mouthful, the full realization of what you want and be willing to go right after it.

I guess I should back up a bit and let you in on the conversation. We were talking about guys, of course we were, we love MEN. We were discussing current relationships and past ones and how she wanted to be in love with the guy, and wake up every day in love with him. That isn't hard right? I don't think so, I know that is what I want to feel for the guy I am with. You know that gushy feeling, the warmness in the heart, the butterflies in the stomach, that feeling you get when you are madly crushing over a guy. But, this feeling is there to stay because you are in love with them, you are in love with each other, up until he stops talking/texting you and then pulls the confused card, that's when that warm fuzzy feeling and heart drop into the stomach and make you feel like you just ate some bad Chinese food...but I digress.

She is in love with him, but she feared that at some point she might have become in love with the idea of the relationship. I applied that to myself and asked a few of my gay friends, yes I do have to always gay everything.

Growing up and coming out I remember how quick some of us (my group of friends) were to find that ideal relationship with that ideal guy. We romanticized the idea of love and relationship, fuck some of us still do it now, I won't lie, I do. But I am not giving up on love! I think for some gay men it's all we have in that moment of our lives. It is already so hard to even find someone to date/fall in love with. We are left to dating sites that at some point cross the line from dating to hooking-up, bars and clubs, LGBT university clubs, etc. I always mention these places because they are where a gay man can safely bet the other guy is gay/bisexual/questioning. We are left to our own devices and shape love/relationships where we can find it.

We have all heard it. The newbie who romanticizes love and their first time. It's pretty, it's cute, it is where unicorns and rainbows live. Truth is, love can hurt, especially when you fall hard, so make sure to fantasize that part in. Oh yeah, don't forget if you are a bottom it will hurt, and the first time for anything will always be awkward. This isn't a romantic  movie where everything will go your way, with perfect lighting and music. More than likely it will do down at his house when his parents are gone and in his parent's bed.

But at some point we don't want to be in love with the idea of a relationship, we want to be in love with the person. After all, that is the reason we are in the relationship. To share ourselves and our lives with another human being in a shared feeling of love. Do we have to reach a certain age to fully realize this? How many men do we have to go through in order to figure out that what we were doing was looking for the ideal relationship to fall in love with.

Wake up people! Love can be right in front of you, that guy you are nit-picking because he doesn't fit what you wanted out of a relationship...guess what, you aren't dating the relationship, you are in LOVE with them! So stop being in love or staying in love for the sake of being in a relationship (says the relationship monster). It only closes you off from actually feeling love and enjoying the other person. You might miss out on meeting THE ONE.

Date, have fun, enjoy the idea of meeting new people, and always, always be safe! Wear a condom! Especially a heart condom.

The Ex-Sex Factor

Yeah, I am bringing it up! Sex with the ex. The ex-sex factor. Is it ever alright to have sex with your ex? Or, is it something you should completely stay away from, after all you did break up for a good (questionable) reason. According to my 3-month stint, "hell yeah it is alright." He said he had done it, but that he felt selfish for doing it, while at the same time feeling like he was taking advantage of his ex. So then why do it? Is it because it might be an assured good fuck?

Having sex with the ex might complicate things, right? Unless, you set up rules to maintain the ex as an ex. Are we talking about NSA sex? The most common relationship (for the lack of a better name) found on Adam4Adam, Gay.com, and Manhunt. I think we are!

But still it's your ex...the problem continues. I am not going to lie, I have done it. I am guilty of the guiltiest pleasures, sex with my ex. Don't judge me!

I like to think the reason some of us have sex with the ex is purely physical reasons. He knows my body, he knows what it takes to make me come. Not cum...come damn it! Lets be adults here. My ex, knows that he shouldn't tickle me, that my left side of the neck will get me to do anything. Stop taking notes...you are not hopping into bed with me...EMAIL ME!

I digress. So yes sex with the ex might be great, but it is temporary. Plus, it stops us from allowing ourselves to allow someone else to enjoy us. Right? Shouldn't we be out there, dating/hanging out and allowing someone to learn our bodies, our mind, those inner workings that make us, us?

Think about it. Having sex with the ex does not allow us to move on from ourselves and what we had with this other person, even sexually. Unless you are void of all emotion and thought, then I guess you can do it all, but then again it is completely physical. Or maybe you are my 3-month ex and are a heartless monster who eats hearts and spits them out on the ground. Once, again I digress...be honest to yourself and what you want!

Honesty to you and the person(s) you are with. If you don't want something more than just sex, then say and it's alright. Now go...have fun, hey have sex with the ex, just wear a condom!

Dating and life can be socially awkward: Meet Boy meets Boy blog

That's me! The socially awkward gay man in the corner figuring out what to say to the cute guy looking his way. Now feel free to email me your questions, suggestions, comments or even better send me a video of yourself and I will post it! Tell me your gay conundrums and dating haphazards...lets be each other us free therapy!

Part 1: The morning after, minus the pill

So I am not going to lie, I had a brief encounter, and not of the 3rd kind, after my 9 year relationship ended. It was definitely the boy meets boy type of moment...you know you meet online (adam4adam), trade private pics of your junk, then set up a meeting a week later...for sex, drinks, and maybe if you are lucky some more sex in the morning. Ok, I am not that slutty, I didn't put out!

the GAY grocery list...

Condoms. check.
Lube. check.
Breathmints. check.
Facebook status. check.
Heart laying in the middle of the floor. check.

I am ready to date! Ok, maybe not the best way to start my introduction, but it's real, it's honest...damn it! It means something, right?

My name is Daniel, simply put, I am a single gay man/boy/queer/(fill in your own label), and thought the best way to exploit my wanderings would be through a blog. Everyone has one, right...why not me. I haven't been on the dating scene for the past 9 years, relationship monger...maybe. I don't know the rules to the game, fuck I don't even know my own rules. Who do I like, what do I like, am I a bottom, am I a top!?!

Ok, here is the deal...I invite you to read about my pitfalls, crushes, one night stands, clinic visits...that's right take care of yourselves! But I digress...through this we can learn what it is to date and find ultimate fulfillment (even for one night), or just learn to laugh at the experience of dating in general. Safe proof method, let me get hurt, not you. In turn we can teach each other...now lets go! Oh don't forget guys, it doesn't hurt to shower before you go on a date...you might  get lucky!