The process of getting hurt...
You don't want to beleive it at first.
It's as if everything is standing still.
His mouth is moving.
Sound is escaping.
A flashback.
A memory.
Caught in your mind,
Is a time...
The sound finally catches up to the movement of his mouth as he turns around.
A blow to your stomach, and then your heart.
It stops.
You strummed the guitar.
We sang out loud.
On cold chilly nights we held each other.
The whisper of an I love you
Leaves yousr listless mouth.
The apple falls from the tree.
Day turns to night, and night turns to day.
Sitting there eating our candy corn.
The minute it became too real.
Too real, it lead to this point.
He turns back around.
You catch his gaze.
See the fire reflecting back.
Everything slowly rewinds.
You hear it again.
Hand reaches out for you.
Asking you if you are alright.
He sees you ignore him.
You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.
He keeps talking.
The words keep coming.
Why won't he stop?
Like the day after a night of partying.
Vision is hazy.
Stomach is hurting.
He keeps on talking.
Why won't he stop?
My eyes begin to fill.
That satisfaction won't be given.
Fighting back.
Voice caught in my throat.
It hurts.
Cold. Dead. Weighted body.
Then like clockwork, your heart starts back up again.
The process of getting hurt...
Reminds me I'm alive, and you...
You missed out on the best thing you could have ever had.
That all too familiar embrace and the smell of your cologne...against my body, sent me back to a place I had put away completely. You said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello.
Earlier that day my friend and I were talking about going to the bar. So I sat around until he sent me his text message of, I am here. That was my cue to go and get ready for a night of drinking and drag queens. A night you loved going to when we were together, but the past year I never saw you. Off I went to get ready, throwing my chukka boots, skinny jeans, and a cute blocked t-shirt. I was set. My friend texted me, ok, I read your blog, it may come to fruition. At least letting you know so you can be mentally prepared for the possible encounter. I had no idea what he was talking about, shit I have written so much within the past year. Things I am sure you have read over the course of time...after all you did message me to not post certain things about our relationship, after the fact that I did.
There I am at the bar, making my way through the dimly lit corridor, trying to find a familiar face. All that is staring back at me are distant faces, smiling, giving me nods...probably wondering if this is the one for tonight. As I finally reach the back, my friends hands are in the air waving me down. Introductions are in place because there is a new boyfriend. And then, my friend pulls me to the side asking if I got his text message. I said, yeah I got it, but I don't know what you are talking about. He turned me around...and there YOU were. Sitting having a beer with a few other mutual friends. Now the text message made sense. This moment...this place...this time, I had written about. I froze.
Time had stood still until I was able to shake off the fact that we were in the same vicinity. Like an ass, I waved to the mutual friends from afar, fearing going up and being rejected. We are adults, right? I couldn't bring myself to go up there and to even say a courtesy hello...a hello to open the doors between communication. Instantly my friend knew that I wasn't going to be fine. Mentally I thought I was prepared for all of this...fuck, I was wrong. All I could think about was what people would say, mostly what you would say. Where you gonna be an adult and let it be? Where you gonna play the bitchy gay guy who needs to tell all his friends that his ex is here? Making sure to finger and point and have everyone look, that way you notice you are being noticed. My mind was everywhere but where it should be. So I took another drink.
As the night progressed, we glanced at each other but never a nod, not even a slight finger wave. We pretended to look away. My friends and I decided to go watch the drag show. I dwelled on the idea of what would happen, what would be said. Was I the asshole for not being the adult and going up to him? Afterall, wasn't it I that wanted to cement a new friendship or renew the one we had?
After getting bored from watching the ever so predictable drag show, Raven was performing along with her friends and Morgan McMichaels, we walked to the back so my friend could have a smoke. Casually we walked to the very back and there we stood. You were right next to me with your back turned. Truth is at this point I was fine, I was ready for the hello. We both slowly turned and caught each other's attention but neither one of us said a word. Instead our friends turned us around...I think we both could die.
What was keeping us from saying anything? Where you feeling the same way or did you want to punch my guts out for what I had written about? Why wasn't I mad? Truth is the mad I felt a long time ago went away. I had moved away from being mad, depressed, pensive of everything that had happened. I knew letting go and trying to be friends would be the best...for me. Despite what all my friends were telling me, I needed it. I needed to hear it. Whatever it was or wasn't.
The night was coming to an end and my friends wanted to go. So we gathered in a corner to say our goodbyes. Then my heart stopped. Your face was right there in front of me. This time we both couldn't pretend we didn't see each other. You pulled me aside. What was I waiting for? Trying to listen to your soft voice over the loud music, you said, it was nice seeing you, but I am actually taking off and I wanted to say hello, but I pretended and acted coy as if I couldn't hear you.
Truth is I heard you say it the first time, I just wanted to hear your voice for what might have been the last time we crossed paths and for the finalization of my mental process. Our night was over and so was the party...and I learned it's gonna be alright. We are alright.
Emotionally, breaking-up is hard to do, but with today's technology it has become fast and efficient. It is as easy as going to the super market and checking yourself out; only you and a machine, no one else to help you out and no one to look you in the eye. People, more and more are ascribing to the idea of a relationship as a business transaction. No more feelings involved, void of any real contact. Is this healthy? Better yet, doesn't the other person warrant a little more respect, don't you?
What happened to the days when people would meet up, discuss their relationship, and figure it isn't working out? You would sit around, discuss the pros and cons of your life together, however long it was, and come to a mutual decision. Face to face, in living color.
One of my good friends was at work one day, trekking along as usual, looking for the best model to photograph. He is an up and coming designer in the LA area, great guy, self-proclaimed Gaysian, with the most adorable fiance. They would text back and forth throughout the day, due to their busy schedules, when one day a notice on Facebook popped-up. The dreaded little bing that would cause more drama than Charlie Sheen picking up another cracked-out hooker and landing on TMZ. The post read, I don't want to do this anymore. Not to mention, along with the post came the dreaded status change from in a relationshipwith to single. It's like they say if it isn't on Facebook, it isn't official. Without skipping a beat, as soon as it hit the Facebook walls of all his friends (mutual friends can be good and bad) the comment thread began.
Note to self: having separate friends can be a great thing. Mutual friends can become hard when a break up ensues.
Is this new method of awkward social media breaking-up becoming the norm? Have people really decided as a collective that Facebook is real life and the same as communicating in person? Besides Facebook, you also have Twitter, a communication space that allows you to say anything at 140 characters or less. Short, concise, and to the point. Imagine, a status update being tweeted to thousands of your Twitter followers, stating he no longer wants to go out with you. Break-ups have moved from becoming private to public. Going back to the idea, can a break-up ever occur peacefully, or does there always have to be a drama-filled environment to cause the situation to transpire? Pushing it out to a public forum does make it non-retractable, unnegotiable, unresonable to ever get back together.
Breaking-up can now be shared with thousands of people. You can find sympathy from all parts of the world. A, hey you are going to be alright, from Africa, or, don't worry there are better men out there and you deserve much more, from Canada.
These new forums for breaking-up have created a new type of a guy: the technologically savvy heart-breaker. Along with that, they want to over-communicate everything you two do together and there is a picture for everything, a status update for Facebook, and a Twitter message of the things you say. Social media has normalized his behavior, making him unaware of his awkward breaking-up strategy when it has to be done face-to-face.
There we were, laying in each others arms after I cummed inside his mouth. When he says that maybe this relationship will not go anywhere else, and, he feels like the other guy. Previously we had other issues (which were written about in an earlier post) but nothing prepared me for this. I responded with, there was no need to get me naked to break up with me, why did you do this? I wanted to get a last taste, was the response.
At this point, a Twitter or Facebook status post would have been better than hearing that.
There we were, our skin touched by the soft incandescent light that came from the bedside lamp. As we laid there wrapped in each other's embrace, our bodies touching from head to toe, we were quietly lost in thought. And then..."What do you think about us? I feel like we are at an impasse in our relationship."
THUMP. We were at an impasse, and a decision had to be made.
We had been here before, the discussion of what is to come in the relationship. The first time was when he was leaving to visit family and we discussed the fact that there are a few things we both want and don't want in a long term relationship. After all, that was the goal of dating and having a relationship with the both of us. We both, at one time discussed family and the whole white picket fence scenario. Scary, I know. Growing up I knew that at some point I would want to settle down and have just that, a family. A family I could call my own. On the other hand, he never saw this in his future. We both knew it from the get go. Instead of just parting ways then and there, we both figured we were having fun with each other. We enjoyed spending time with each other; going on dates, hanging out at his house in the evenings. At the same time, we had both decided to take off the boyfriend status. Sadly, it only lasted a couple of weeks. At the time he asked, we both felt it was right, we were both caught in the moment.
We were both sitting down in his kitchen, gazing into each other's eyes. As he looked over to me, with his hazel eyes, he skirted around the question. Building it with the anticipation and me trying to draw out of him...do you want to be boyfriends?
But there we were, right before him going to see his family. Locked in his bedroom while his out of town guest was in the other room. We paced around, discussing the feelinga we both had after our own trip to Los Olivos, and right before becoming boyfriends. The idea of wanting a family and building something that one of us didn't want.
What was happening? We were prolonging the inevitable parting of ways.
Bottomline: I don't want it to just be TWO for the rest of my life.
We continued on after he came back from his trip. But things had changed. Things were said. A few days ago as I was prepping for some work and trying to get events organized. I went out to meet him and his friends. I figured we were going on a double date to dinner and a movie. This wasn't the case. There I was strolling down Main Street in Huntington Beach, dressed up, since I had gone right after work; Khakis and a striped shirt, dress shoes in tow. He signaled to me, "Well, we already started drinking, so you need to get on board." As for me, I wasn't looking to drink, I just wanted to relax, have a good meal, and watch a movie, as we had planned. As we began our ascent to one of the bars, I noticed there was another person there...it was now five of us. Automatically I felt my night had ended, and I was the 5th wheel. Plus, it didn't help that I was living in my head, struggling about issues going on at work.
Eating shabu shabu, I decided that I would just take off after dinner. My honesty vomit came up and said it, of course he was saddened. They began to round up their bikes and I began to say goodbye. He leaned in, gave me a strong hug, said, "I love you." We let go...I looked at him and said goodbye.
The impasse had become palpable, to the point where it was becoming visible to others...
We both had felt it coming, that day brought us to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen.
There I stood, sullen at the impasse to my indifference. I have known this feeling all too much.
There wasn't a love note written, no pigeon to carry this message, no mix-tape to prepare me. What was about to happen was unwritten and I was left to copy and paste what I had in my mind and place it in my mouth.
If there is one thing learned from my past relationships it is that when I love, I love with every ounce of my being. It is intense, emotional; I get wound up in the person in a tizzy. The every day world that revolves around me seizes. This time around, that was the case for him, but not for me. The difficult thing for me at the moment, is that I feel nothing. Instead the feelings are stuck in my head, trying to come out, trying to be felt and heard by my body. There is this inherent feeling that I am the asshole, the señor of all douche-ry. Ex-boyfriend monster (which you are not), who was confused and I was left broken-hearted, I now understand.
I made a decision to stop seeing someone recently. Never to tread lightly on any answer, everything must be methodically thought out. Every thing planned and timed. The right words have to be used and a mutual respect for both people in the party must be present. In the end, after everything was said and done, the hurt crept in. I tried to make myself feel what I had said, because I meant it. But it seemed as if there was just more confusion, inside of myself. The emotions weren't stirring. They simply just weren't there.
He is a funny guy, has an optimistic view on life. Everyday to him is a fun day. It was through him that my flaws were pointed out. My pessimistic view was left laying there in front of me, a platter served up cold, that I didn't even want to eat. I sucked the fun out of the mundane. What was coming out of him, to describe me, was the person I never wanted to become.
Every move that was made in that relationship was calculated by me. The calculus of love. The thing we had, together, was not allowed to grow naturally. Lesson learned, maybe. Emotionally retarded, yes I am.
In dating someone we should always be honest. Honest to them, but most importantly honest to ourselves. At the same time we should allow ourselves to open up to new ideas, new possibilities of seeing the world and a relationship. Learn to love Disneyland. It's alright to be light-hearted. Stop being cynical, have fun! In the end, you might find the real you.
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again--Neil Sedaka
Bubblegum pop, love notes, and rainbows, the good ol' days of love and relationships. But, what about the aftershock from the break up? That ripple effect that extends beyond you and your ex. Breaking up touches many people around you, especially if it was a long relationship, such as family, friends, and in some cases the dry cleaner.
Speaking as a man who was in a long term relationship of 9 years, I knew that breaking up with my partner would affect many people in both our lives. First, there are our mutual friends. Everyone involved wanted to be fair to both of us. They all spoke about not choosing sides. We never asked them to either. The awkwardness was obvious though, especially when I had met someone. There are no rules, there is no right or wrong. The only answer to how to treat this situation was with mutual respect. So we all did.
It took almost 2 months to let my family know that my partner and I had split up. It was a hard and difficult decision because my family loves my ex. To this date, he is still a part of the family. When I finally decided to tell my mom, she was heart broken and told me to think it over. Ever the optimist that my mom is, everything IS fixable. After much coaxing and reassuring her that I would be fine, she accepted it. Not willingly, of course. She made sure for me to tell him, that he MUST attend every family activity, because he is one of us. You have to love Mexican families, they adopt people left and right. I think to this date my mom has ulterior motives.
I knew that he, my ex, would still be a part of the family. I couldn't deny that to my family members, the young ones especially, who grew up calling him uncle. The one day, he didn't come to an event, everyone was surprised and to be honest, devastated. My nephews were calling out for their uncle. My mom was sad that he didn't show and bring food or wine, as was his custom. They were all affected. The only thought that ran through my head was if someone did come into my life, and at the time there was, how would I bring him in? My family had already decided that my ex was a part of the family, how could an outsider compete? Often, that was the question.
Months later, after the break up and when the air had cleared and settled, my ex was back to attending family birthdays, weddings, quinceañeras, you name it, he was there. I was back to picking up his dry cleaning, because after all I am a good friend. As I hand over the check to the nice asian lady, whose bangs are always misplaced on her forehead because of the warm environment, she states "I no see you in a long time." Me: "Oh hun, where do I begin?"
