The Process of Getting Hurt

The process of getting hurt...
You don't want to beleive it at first.
It's as if everything is standing still.
His mouth is moving.
Sound is escaping.

A flashback.
A memory.
Caught in your mind,
Is a time...

The sound finally catches up to the movement of his mouth as he turns around.
A blow to your stomach, and then your heart.
It stops.

You strummed the guitar.
We sang out loud.
On cold chilly nights we held each other.
The whisper of an I love you
Leaves yousr listless mouth.

The apple falls from the tree.
Day turns to night, and night turns to day.
Sitting there eating our candy corn.
The minute it became too real.
Too real, it lead to this point.

He turns back around.
You catch his gaze.
See the fire reflecting back.
Everything slowly rewinds.
You hear it again.
Hand reaches out for you.
Asking you if you are alright.
He sees you ignore him.
You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.
He keeps talking.
The words keep coming.
Why won't he stop?
Like the day after a night of partying.
Vision is hazy.
Stomach is hurting.
He keeps on talking.
Why won't he stop?
My eyes begin to fill.
That satisfaction won't be given.
Fighting back.
Voice caught in my throat.
It hurts.

Cold. Dead. Weighted body.
Then like clockwork, your heart starts back up again.

The process of getting hurt...
Reminds me I'm alive, and you...
You missed out on the best thing you could have ever had.

Breaking Up V4.0 ; The Impasse to Indifference

There we were, our skin touched by the soft incandescent light that came from the bedside lamp. As we laid there wrapped in each other's embrace, our bodies touching from head to toe, we were quietly lost in thought. And then..."What do you think about us? I feel like we are at an impasse in our relationship."

THUMP. We were at an impasse, and a decision had to be made.

We had been here before, the discussion of what is to come in the relationship. The first time was when he was leaving to visit family and we discussed the fact that there are a few things we both want and don't want in a long term relationship. After all, that was the goal of dating and having a relationship with the both of us. We both, at one time discussed family and the whole white picket fence scenario. Scary, I know. Growing up I knew that at some point I would want to settle down and have just that, a family. A family I could call my own. On the other hand, he never saw this in his future. We both knew it from the get go. Instead of just parting ways then and there, we both figured we were having fun with each other. We enjoyed spending time with each other; going on dates, hanging out at his house in the evenings. At the same time, we had both decided to take off the boyfriend status. Sadly, it only lasted a couple of weeks. At the time he asked, we both felt it was right, we were both caught in the moment.

We were both sitting down in his kitchen, gazing into each other's eyes. As he looked over to me, with his hazel eyes, he skirted around the question. Building it with the anticipation and me trying to draw out of him...do you want to be boyfriends?

But there we were, right before him going to see his family. Locked in his bedroom while his out of town guest was in the other room. We paced around, discussing the feelinga we both had after our own trip to Los Olivos, and right before becoming boyfriends. The idea of wanting a family and building something that one of us didn't want.

What was happening? We were prolonging the inevitable parting of ways.

Bottomline: I don't want it to just be TWO for the rest of my life.

We continued on after he came back from his trip. But things had changed. Things were said. A few days ago as I was prepping for some work and trying to get events organized. I went out to meet him and his friends. I figured we were going on a double date to dinner and a movie. This wasn't the case. There I was strolling down Main Street in Huntington Beach, dressed up, since I had gone right after work; Khakis and a striped shirt, dress shoes in tow. He signaled to me, "Well, we already started drinking, so you need to get on board." As for me, I wasn't looking to drink, I just wanted to relax, have a good meal, and watch a movie, as we had planned. As we began our ascent to one of the bars, I noticed there was another person there...it was now five of us. Automatically I felt my night had ended, and I was the 5th wheel. Plus, it didn't help that I was living in my head, struggling about issues going on at work.

Eating shabu shabu, I decided that I would just take off after dinner. My honesty vomit came up and said it, of course he was saddened. They began to round up their bikes and I began to say goodbye. He leaned in, gave me a strong hug, said, "I love you." We let go...I looked at him and said goodbye.

The impasse had become palpable, to the point where it was becoming visible to others...

We both had felt it coming, that day brought us to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen.

There I stood, sullen at the impasse to my indifference. I have known this feeling all too much.

The Calculus of Love: Giving Up Your Heart Is Never Easy

There wasn't a love note written, no pigeon to carry this message, no mix-tape to prepare me. What was about to happen was unwritten and I was left to copy and paste what I had in my mind and place it in my mouth.

If there is one thing learned from my past relationships it is that when I love, I love with every ounce of my being. It is intense, emotional; I get wound up in the person in a tizzy. The every day world that revolves around me seizes. This time around, that was the case for him, but not for me. The difficult thing for me at the moment, is that I feel nothing. Instead the feelings are stuck in my head, trying to come out, trying to be felt and heard by my body. There is this inherent feeling that I am the asshole, the señor of all douche-ry. Ex-boyfriend monster (which you are not), who was confused and I was left broken-hearted, I now understand.

I made a decision to stop seeing someone recently. Never to tread lightly on any answer, everything must be methodically thought out. Every thing planned and timed. The right words have to be used and a mutual respect for both people in the party must be present. In the end, after everything was said and done, the hurt crept in. I tried to make myself feel what I had said, because I meant it. But it seemed as if there was just more confusion, inside of myself. The emotions weren't stirring. They simply just weren't there.

He is a funny guy, has an optimistic view on life. Everyday to him is a fun day. It was through him that my flaws were pointed out. My pessimistic view was left laying there in front of me, a platter served up cold, that I didn't even want to eat. I sucked the fun out of the mundane. What was coming out of him, to describe me, was the person I never wanted to become.

Every move that was made in that relationship was calculated by me. The calculus of love. The thing we had, together, was not allowed to grow naturally. Lesson learned, maybe. Emotionally retarded, yes I am.

In dating someone we should always be honest. Honest to them, but most importantly honest to ourselves. At the same time we should allow ourselves to open up to new ideas, new possibilities of seeing the world and a relationship. Learn to love Disneyland. It's alright to be light-hearted. Stop being cynical, have fun! In the end, you might find the real you.

The (Non)Blame Game: "It is what it is"

The most used saying this year is, "It is what it is." It is the new fetch! You almost know when it is coming up in conversation and it is always followed after the person feels bad for what they did, if they have a heart,to explain a situation that was inevitable, or for what is about to happen. Leaving you to think, if it was, then why did it occur. Oh wait, you aren't supposed to over analyze the situation, after all the saying also implies that what is being explained is meant to be kept simple and not too much thought should be placed on the aforesaid situation...fuck it! Over analyze away, you know you and I will.

It is what it is, allows a person to not take fault for what happened. It allows the situation to be natural...hence inevitable. It is the no-pointing finger phrase. When these words are vomited out, it is a blanket phrase that allows everyone to partake in the blame or in some cases non-blame.

One of my ex's (if you are reading this, get over yourself!) used the phrase quite a lot to dismiss his behavior and our break-up. But it wasn't just him, it was also a few gay men who I knew. Fuck, it JUST isn't gay men, this is an every person thing. If you didn't want to do something or if you knew what you did wasn't alright, then why do it and then dismiss it as, it is what it is. Because it isn't!

You made the choice knowing that you might hurt someone else, even yourself, in the process. Some situations where a man will use this overly-said phrase are: leaving you, his date, at a club for another guy. Hey it is what it is. Saying I love you, then retracting it later, because he is confused. Oh, it is what it is. Miley Cyrus smoking pot, correction salvia, because she has a hard life. It is what it is. (Making sure you are awake) Having sex on the first date and realizing sexually you two can never be. That's right, it is what it is.

No matter how fucked up the situation, even if it is something so minute, it still ISN'T WHAT IT IS. Oh, I know what you are thinking some situations do happen on their own, you do fall out of love, etc...understandable. But when breaking up with someone, fyi, don't use a trite phrase to end what you had. He deserves more than that. Especially if you are going to turn around and try to date his friends afterwards. You don't want to be the guy who is known for breaking up with cheesy lines.

WOW, epiphany, it is what it is IS the NEW, 'It's not you, it's me." But really no it still is you!

I say we kill, "It is what it is," and start 2011 in a new direction. So use the phrase as much as possible, because if you didn't know 2011 is around the corner. Then there is 2012, and we all know the world ends during that time, actual time frame is still questionable. But really, let us start being honest to ourselves and others and not be scared to take responsibility for our own actions. Besides honesty makes you more sexy, it makes you a better man...a SEXY GAY MAN. Where do I sign up for one of those?

Oh, and if you feel this was about you, this isn't a Carly Simon song, it is about YOU. It is EXACTLY what it is!