diary of a gay boy: the [im]perfect gentleman

...because sometimes things aren't perfect and neither is he. Dating is a bitch, but you don't have to date one.

...sometimes I feel too much...

...sometimes something happens, and you end up feeling more than you should. I always feel too much. Truth is, I haven't felt this way in a long time...www.boymeetsboyblog.com

I Kant with the Mexican

Wait! Stop! Before you call me a racist, I am Mexican. OK, let us proceed. After a few weeks of chatting online with this guy, we decided lets meet up over at the local Starbucks, because lets face it, in these technologically advanced days anyone [gay guys] can doctor up a picture and profile. After all, don't you know ALL gay men have taken the Photoshop course on how to look flawless in 3 easy steps: blend tool, green filter, crop...oh and save. Starbucks seemed the logical choice, it's in public with other guys perusing Grindr, and we all believe in having something in our hands to keep them busy and not look awkward, insert your own Freudian theory here.

I keep it simple, no frills when it comes to my drink; passion iced tea lemonade, as it is, the calories in one is more than I need. As the barista asks my name, I wave over to the guy I met up with, and asked what he wanted. He refused to order. There we were in front of the barista waving back and forth, come on just order, I got it. He kept on refusing...great already fighting in front of my local barista. Fine, you can buy your own. Stepping up to the counter he orders his drink, Capn' Crunch...and I give a face. Not on purpose, it just came over as I thought, the calories, the sugar content, how much gay boy fitness I would have to put in to just have a sip. The marriage/one night stand I had built up in my mind was OVER.

As we walked around for a bit, the feeling to dig deeper to why he wouldn't let me buy him a $4 drink, came over me...so I asked.

Turns out the reason was simple, he doesn't like people buying him anything. He likes to be the one buying the things for the other person. Understandable, but at some point people have to let go of that idea and allow themselves the opportunity or idea that someone else might pick up the tab. People often say the person who invites should pay...I don't believe in that...too much. Unless he invites you to a very expensive restaurant, knowing that you probably can't afford it, but he wants to take you out, then it's all on him. Of course, I probably would have brought up a different restaurant where maybe I would be comfortable picking up my own tab. I think if someone wants to split the meal, then by all means do so.

Wait. Stop. Then I am no different than the guy that didn't want me to buy his drink.

That's what I thought at first, and then the Mexican stereotype dropped. I think I do it because it's the Mexican in me, to provide and take care of someone. Oh, that guy. Wait, there is more...I don't want to feel like I owe someone something or that they owe me.

This isn't the first time I have encountered this, both times from Mexican guys. Have we reached a point in the world or is there some unwritten code in the universe [or holy book of Gay], that I am not aware of, that buying someone something means you owe them something in return? I can't imagine all gay men think that if another man extends his hand out to help or buy him something he wants something back in return, and preferably in a sexual favor. Or is trying to tell the other person, look you can't do it on your own, and it's alright, that's why I [daddy] am here to help. Hold on to your seats because we are about to get philosophical and visit the world of Kant [insert slight giggle here].

Immanuel Kant described the Practical Imperative as an act to treat humanity, whether yourself or another, as an end-in-itself, and never as a means (please read with pinky out and nose tilted up). In other words one should never do something for another person as to attain some pleasure or means out of it. Either way I write it, I am sure you are reading this with sexual explicits. Let us continue. The Practical Imperative states don't use people in order to obtain your goals or seek an edge or unfair advantage.

This means that no satisfaction [control your giggle...now] must begot from the act. The minute that one feels fulfillment or the desire to be fulfilled for the act it becomes nullified, there is no moral worth. You are now acting out of want. For you see, the good will is the end-in-itself, for it is that good will that acts out of the sake of duty. Of course now we are left to define duty. Duty is that which makes us act out in reverence to the universal law. No, not the law that we shall not wear white after Labor Day, but the law of what is good. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't kill, you don't wear the same outfit as your friend knowing that he chose to wore the same thing and you called each other the night before.

The duty to lead a good life, which leads us to the Categorical Imperative, which is a rule (yes, more rules) that states what ought to be done is based upon pure reason alone and not contingent upon sensible desires; for the greater good is for the good of the people. Then again, all of this can be dismissed as a farce because the truth is there's no good for the people in buying someone a drink, unless frappicinos have become some type of moral cause that we have no idea about, which brings us to the point that the Categorical Imperative is moot, but buying someone a drink can be explained as a categorically unconditioned imperative. This is due to the fact that the necessitation of the action lies within the imperative alone, and the imperative alone does not seek to attend to the good, happiness, wisdom, or skill, or any other end that may set the action into motion...so what does this mean?

They want to feel in control of their own lives and take care of themselves...which is great. I love men who are passionate, have drive and enthusiasm...but put your Mexican pride aside and just let me buy you the damn over priced drink, so we can both have something in our hands and continue talking about frivolous pop culture and your love for Rhianna.

**Check out this site for a brief refresher on Kantian ethics

Round 1: The Men vs. the boys

Ageism. One word, one community consumed with youth and beauty. Who you like to date is obviously a preference; but how much of it is formulated by our own community and group of friends? I like to date older guys, of course that can mean many things. The oldest I have gone was 14 years older than me, and that was the previous 9-year relationship. Contrary to everyone's beliefs and assumed assumptions of why younger guys date older men, this was not a sugar daddy relationship. I repeat, this was NOT a sugar daddy relationship.

We met online, fell in love, moved in together. His personality is what drove me to him. Some people might say that I haven't dated enough guys my own age or younger to see the potential in them. Wrong. Ok, don't get me wrong, maybe he is out there, if he is, well I haven't met him. If he is reading this, you know how to reach me! This is where we begin to separate the men from the boys. People ask if there is a difference between dating Men and just guys/lower-case men/boys. Yes!

Men don't hide their true feelings. If they like you, they say it. They don't change their mind months down the road and then leave you. They don't say I love you if they don't mean it. Currently, I am dating someone who is 40 years old. A few days ago he told me that he enjoys spending time with me and that he really likes me. He shows it. He says it. There is no pretense. After he said that, I told him, it is refreshing and nice to hear someone say that.

The boys well say yeah I like you. They make you work for it. To them it is something that has to be proven, earned, and then tried on for size. Hun, this isn't Nordstroms, where you can return my used love/like/fuck. They tell it to you, but you hear from them very randomly. A text comes through, hi how are you? Nothing else. One worded, short, leaving you confused and wondering if they meant it.

Men don't pressure you or give you a hard time because you don't want to have sex/fuck. There you are after dinner and drinks, beautiful conversation, likes and dislikes, and he takes you home. Sitting on the couch having a glass of wine talking some more, his hands glide over your Burberry polo, down your Diesel jeans. Sure, you get a rise, but you know you don't want to have sex. You say not right now. He says, "That's fine, besides I can stay here all night cuddling and talking and getting to know you." Perfect!

Boys meet you at a bar, get you a little tipsy like a Ke$ha video, and say come back to my place. Ok, yes I can say no. And I do, then they say, don't worry we don't have to have sex. We can watch a movie, unwind, talk more, and cuddle. Perfect. Wrong...one minute in and his hand is moving down your Ginch Gonch barely there underwear, and he whispers let me fuck you. You say no (well I do, sometimes, circumstantially) and he continues to tell you that you will love it. When a guy says no, he means no.

Men will call you. They want to converse.

Boys will text you. They want to choose when to answer you back.

Like the seasons, people can change, grow, or sometimes become immature. The verdict is still out to figure out who will win...we shall see. The Men vs. the boys, Round 1 is up.