Saturday, December 25, 2010

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 5


1. Don't call me babe after one date or just after chatting me up. I am not your baby. Ok babe/babes/hun/love/dear. xo

2. Never share how many men you slept with, even if he asks you and says he isn’t bothered by such information. LIES. They are! Instead be a gentleman and direct the conversation towards something else, like, where is the seediest place you have had sex.

3. Have a list of conversation starters in your head, and always stay up on current events. It will kill the silent awkward moments during a date. Or beware the rant, that’s when everything comes out and you don’t want that to happen...just yet.

4. Wear cute underwear, you never know where the night may take you (especially after sexy intellectual talk). Hopefully not taking off your clothes at your local gay bar/club!

5. Don’t drink too much on the first date, it can/will make you look sloppy. Hold it together! Breathe, and just be you, if all else fails only have ONE shot of tequila to help loosen you up.

6. NEVER bring up the ex in conversation on the first date. It can make you look crazy. Instead wait until a month, and use it to explain why you are damaged and cannot attach yourself to anyone, which is why you are emotionally unavailable.

7. Always make sure to carry gum, breath mints, or binaca mouth spray. You don’t want to kill your date after eating something with onion in it.

8. Always have the salad when on a date. It will minimize the above.

9. If and only if you do plan on getting lucky on the first date (slut/whore/free-spirit; I am not judging), and you are a bottom, do the top a favor and clean. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

10. INVEST in an enema/anal douching kit.

2 comments:

  1. Where do you keep your anal douching kit?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Duh, with the rest of my sex toys.

    ReplyDelete