Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Love 1.0.1: The Relationship Vs. Him
Love, love, love (insert best Lady Gaga impression). I had one of the best conversations with a fellow friend, correction girlfriend *snaps* the other day. She said, "I want to love HIM and not be in love with the relationship." Now that was a mouthful, the full realization of what you want and be willing to go right after it.
I guess I should back up a bit and let you in on the conversation. We were talking about guys, of course we were, we love MEN. We were discussing current relationships and past ones and how she wanted to be in love with the guy, and wake up every day in love with him. That isn't hard right? I don't think so, I know that is what I want to feel for the guy I am with. You know that gushy feeling, the warmness in the heart, the butterflies in the stomach, that feeling you get when you are madly crushing over a guy. But, this feeling is there to stay because you are in love with them, you are in love with each other, up until he stops talking/texting you and then pulls the confused card, that's when that warm fuzzy feeling and heart drop into the stomach and make you feel like you just ate some bad Chinese food...but I digress.
She is in love with him, but she feared that at some point she might have become in love with the idea of the relationship. I applied that to myself and asked a few of my gay friends, yes I do have to always gay everything.
Growing up and coming out I remember how quick some of us (my group of friends) were to find that ideal relationship with that ideal guy. We romanticized the idea of love and relationship, fuck some of us still do it now, I won't lie, I do. But I am not giving up on love! I think for some gay men it's all we have in that moment of our lives. It is already so hard to even find someone to date/fall in love with. We are left to dating sites that at some point cross the line from dating to hooking-up, bars and clubs, LGBT university clubs, etc. I always mention these places because they are where a gay man can safely bet the other guy is gay/bisexual/questioning. We are left to our own devices and shape love/relationships where we can find it.
We have all heard it. The newbie who romanticizes love and their first time. It's pretty, it's cute, it is where unicorns and rainbows live. Truth is, love can hurt, especially when you fall hard, so make sure to fantasize that part in. Oh yeah, don't forget if you are a bottom it will hurt, and the first time for anything will always be awkward. This isn't a romantic movie where everything will go your way, with perfect lighting and music. More than likely it will do down at his house when his parents are gone and in his parent's bed.
But at some point we don't want to be in love with the idea of a relationship, we want to be in love with the person. After all, that is the reason we are in the relationship. To share ourselves and our lives with another human being in a shared feeling of love. Do we have to reach a certain age to fully realize this? How many men do we have to go through in order to figure out that what we were doing was looking for the ideal relationship to fall in love with.
Wake up people! Love can be right in front of you, that guy you are nit-picking because he doesn't fit what you wanted out of a relationship...guess what, you aren't dating the relationship, you are in LOVE with them! So stop being in love or staying in love for the sake of being in a relationship (says the relationship monster). It only closes you off from actually feeling love and enjoying the other person. You might miss out on meeting THE ONE.
Date, have fun, enjoy the idea of meeting new people, and always, always be safe! Wear a condom! Especially a heart condom.