the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 17, teaching the straight guy

We were both standing there discussing how both of us were trying to change ourselves for the better...our dating selves. "Hey, you're gay, I am sure you have a lot of advice on how a straight guy can better himself to get chicks," he says as he turns towards me after fixing a pile of clothes. As a gay guy, which I am, I have heard it all, so it came to no surprise that here we have a straight guy wanting some queer eye for his dating self.

Before you say anything, no I am not trying to turn  him gay or make him my project. He came to me and asked, and who am I to say no to a straight guy wanting my help to become a better him. First things first...you are better, I told him. Don't think negatively about yourself. EVER!

1. OK, another First things first... lose the likes and ummmms. A guy should be able to speak fluidly and not like a 12 year old girl who aimlessly twirls her hair while chewing bubble gum. More often than not, we never even notice ourselves using the like and ummm as a pause. If you have nothing to say in between sentences, then don't say anything at all. No one wants to hear "like" fifteen more times in one sentence. Pause yourself and move on to the next topic of conversation. A woman loves a well-spoken guy. Side note: that means don't throw out the fucks, shits, asshole, cunt, bitch, whore's all at once. Pick up a thesaurus!

2. Once you have your speech out of the way, become more aware of what is going on in the world. Yes men, smarts is sexy, whether gay or straight! That means put down the Playboy and High Times once in awhile, and turn on CNN or tune into NPR.

3. The next one is up for debate. Yes, we should take care of our bodies, now to what extent is up to you. Everyone should ALWAYS feel comfortable in their own skin. People come in different shapes and sizes...but what matters most is do you LOVE yourself first? That out of the way, working out is great! Men, believe it or not, working out will sustain your energy level and increase your virility. Fuck, I sound like a Viagra commercial. Strike that. It will just make you feel AMAZING. Go outside play some b-ball with the friends, throw around the pig skin (wow, I just out-butched myself). Seriously, take care of your body. Do a few push ups in the morning, run around the block, do whatever you can fit into your already heavy beer-drinking, pussy-chasing routine. I told the straight guy, "just make sure you are doing it for yourself...everything else is a bonus." She sees you out with the buds, while she is out with some new guy, she glances over, catches a glimpse of your bulging biceps, yeah now who's jealous?

4. Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but an amped up style definitely WILL help get the girls. Everyone has their own personal style, but alas men, lets get one thing straight, Ed Hardy is no longer (and probably never was) cool; unless you are a gay man who takes a pair of scissors and cuts it up to make a barely-there tank to wash his car. Yeah, I went there. I digress, amping up your style does NOT necessarily require you to buy a new wardrobe. Think basics! That means get only what you need. Easier said than done, right? Buy a nice jacket and get it tailored. Or, if you already have a jacket, preferably black or navy (grey if you want to be daring and different), and get it tailored. Most men think that you buy a jacket and that's it. WRONG! Clothes off the hanger in a store fit one person only, the fit model, and the mannequin, OK so two people. One isn't real. "A tailor, but wont that be expensive?" he asks. It depends on how much tailoring it will need. You are looking at about $40-$100. If you already have the jacket, that isn't too bad, especially if the jacket will fit your body to a T. Next up, is a nice pair of jeans. I am not talking about a $300 pair of jeans. You can find great clothing and affordable clothing if you merely look around and try clothes on. I know, what a hassle. Finding a good pair of denim means the cut and fit, fit your body type. So try on a few pairs and see what works best, if anything classic straight always works. Also, do a dark denim, it's the easiest to dress up or down.

5. Find a clean smelling scent. Hey, both men and women love a guy who smells good. Yes I know...you took a shower! Hooray for you. A light scent will always work best. Don't throw on anything too strong, because if you get nervous the scent will only intensify and before you know it the room is filled with a strong, woodsy pine scent. It can be a little overbearing and well, it hurts the nose. Go with something light, not too fruity, unless you like something a little more floral smelling.

6. Invest in a steamer. This will help get out all the wrinkles from your t-shirts and dress shirts, allowing you to always look your best. Ironing can be such a drag and at times frustrating. Steaming is quick and simple, and done in less than a minute. Think of it this way, no more burn scars!

7. Hair cut. Hair cut. Hair cut. Clean up that look with a simple hair cut before a date or night of beer busting with the dudes. Maybe you like your hair long, that's cool, but give it a trim, cut the dead ends (yes men, you too can have dead ends, not just women) and you will see the difference. If you are debating on getting a new hair do, I recommend keeping it classic. A classic cut transcends fashion.

8. Don't sext her on the first text or ask to see a naked picture. Instead ask her how her day went. Then go ahead and sext away. Ok, maybe not, trust me I have seen girls set up guys this way. They start all nice and sweet and then they are the first to send out the dirty texts and pics (after all it's the year 2012 and girls are more straight forward), but the minute a guy sends them one, they run to their friends, show them, picture included, and then begin to discuss what a creep. But they keep looking at the picture. So before you do any of that, say hello.

9. Go somewhere new, not somewhere you took your ex all the time. You know that place where the waiters, bartenders, the managers, and even the guy who hands you your towel in the bathroom know the girl you were with. Think about her feelings. Make it special for the new her.

10. Have some drive, some ambition, passion for something in your life...some respect for yourself! That, along with self-confidence (not cockiness/douchebaggery) will take you a long way. Everything else will just fall into place.

Recap: clean shirt, great haircut, restaurant, be a gentleman, and show some self-confidence. Sometimes a woman wants a real man, if she wants a boy, then go ahead, sling your cock out and rub against her on the dance floor.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: the rules you know...or need to know.

As we take the rest of the week to reflect and look back at the year...I want you all to catch up on my on going series, the Tops and Bottoms of Dating. It's kind of a BIG deal. love you. xo

ps. share the secret...be YOU! That's all you should ever be.

pss.be the change in our community. LOVE.RESPECT.UNITY.FIGHT. stand up for what you believe in...have some fucking conviction!

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: the rules you know...or should know.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 16, the NYE Party edition

Are you ready for the biggest make out sesh/hook up/potential boyfriend finding party!? You know what I am talking about, the NYE party! Christmas is done, you have been good all year long to get the studded Prada shoes that you have been dying for. Now it is the one night of the year, other than Halloween, where you can go all out crazy...minus the costume (I hope). Be prepared for anything and everything. Get all kinds of cute, wear some cute underwear...and have the essentials ready and in mind. Because this day out of all the days, is considered a guaranteed kiss day...even if you have to grab him and his boyfriend.

1. ALWAYS carry Chapstik, especially this evening! Go with something tasty...that way he remembers your cherry tasting lips after a long make out session and dancing the night away. Oh and don't smear it on so much, amidst your hopefully not druken stupor, Chapstik goes on your lips...no where else. FYI, no lip gloss, ok thanks!

2.  Fresh breath is key. This goes for everyday of your life, duh! [Breath check. I am good!] But most importantly this evening. You don't want to go in for the kiss and you smell like the nasty fish hors d'oeuvre, that the host supposedly calls sushi, you decided to shove in your mouth before he walked up to you (because you didn't want to sound dumb if he asked you something, so instead you now look like a starving Mary Kate.) Before he walks up to you, or about every 30 minutes, refresh! Spray that mouth...it'll make the kiss that much better! Oh, and remember the spray goes in your mouth, it is NOT cologne. Also, don't spray to the side, you might get the person behind you...Binaca in the eye. Ouch!

3. Before even stepping out to any party this evening, have your outfit ready. BOW TIE. BOW TIE. BOW TIE. Not those oversized bow ties, those were so last year. This year think classic! You will look cute, he will look cute, you two WILL be cute. You never know if pictures will be taken...this can be the picture for the front of the wedding album. Oh and before I forget, do a double take before leaving the house, you don't want to look all wrinkled, frumpy...and have cat hair all over your new black jacket. What are you!? A crazy cat gay man!

4. HAIR✓.

5. When at a party, don't obsess over one person. Keep ALL of your options open. The key is to MINGLE. CIRCULATE. Just pretend you are at the local gay club, sans fag hags, tight shirts, and go-go boy boxes...and talk to everyone. Say hello, introduce yourself. Say something funny, witty, and insightful. No one wants to hear that you just made out with the waiter in the bathroom and that you think (___something dumb with current news___). After mingling, figure out someone you really would like to get to know more...and potentially kiss, go home with, and have sex. Ok, it doesn't have to end that way...duh! You can just chat, kiss, and maybe go on an awesome date later.

6. ONE DRINK✓ HAIR✓

7. Don't be a diva the minute you walk in and notice that your ex and the ex of an ex, who is the ex of your bestie, are both standing together looking happy. They are not plotting against you. Unless they both decided that they would show up looking cute, holding hands, making out...as they both look at each other's eyes, casually glancing your way...making sure you are looking. Then definitely plotting, definitely. They want you to be unhappy...so laugh, be happy and grab the nearest guy to you.

8. TWO DRINKS✓ HAIR✓

9. Always have frequent stops to the bathroom. Either solo or with your friends. You need to freshen up, check your hair, go through the party throwers medicine cabinet (because as a gay man, which I am, we like to know how depressed the rest of the world is), and make sure you smell good. Plus it gives you time to dish about how crappy the hors d'oeuvre are and how afterwards you will all be stopping at Jack in the Box to get the greasiest thing possible.

10. FIVE DRINKS✓CLOSET+GUY+12AM✓

HAPPY NEW YEAR! DON'T FORGET IT ALL ENDS IN 2012, SO GET CRAZY!

diary of a gay boy: the [im]perfect gentleman

...because sometimes things aren't perfect and neither is he. Dating is a bitch, but you don't have to date one.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 15

Random dates bring random events, sayings, and sometimes feelings. In the past couple of months we met some newbz (people exploring their sexuality and coming out for the 1st time), boys from Texas with no true southern gentleman in them, probably because they were originally from So.Cal. and transplanted to Texas due to some erratic decision and bad relationship, but I digress...and then the one who can throw everything into a whirlwind, emotions, feelings, thoughts (making you produce a cute Youtube video)...and then says he is disappointed in you and that he will ttyl ;-). Bitch.

1. Don't ever have sex with a newbz right off the bat...give him some time. I don't care if he is cute, hot, sexy, has a 6-pack stomach, luscious lips, can play the guitar, and sing. All newbz will fall in love with you the minute sex drops into the equation. Sex complicates everything, as it is, he is barely doing this for the first time. He sees sex/fucking as a means to love, boyfriend, husband, dog, and children. Have fun, go out and be cute together for a bit, maybe a quick handjob, but nothing TOO serious...afterall he can turn around and say, this isn't my thing, I like vagina.

2. So he is musically inclined, as most of the guys I date...you would think I am some kind of groupie, minus the blonde ratty hair and super sluttiness [no judgement], and he wants to sing you a song. Cute, really cute. Let him, he is just expressing how he feels. Isn't that what we want guys to do anyways, communicate and talk about how they feel, and not be overly dramatic like a Glee episode? Side note: it's great he wants to play you a song, but if the first thing that comes out is a G-chord followed by, Saying I love you, is not the words I want to hear from you, run...quickly. This is the song all guys learn to play in order to romantically seduce you and then tell you it isn't going to work out after 3 months, then sobering up and realizing the only way you two ever functioned were through glassy, smoke-filled eyes.

3. Small talk. Small talk. Small talk. Do you really want to find out after you had sex that he is a doctor? Talk about the one who got away. Katy Perry prepared us for this...but did we listen? No, instead we were blinded/salivating over his sexy body and hair. Take the time, ask questions, do a background check if needed. You don't want to end up with herpes or something.

4. Let me pull the chair out for you. No, don't worry I am coming around to get your car door. You are so sweet and smart, you have everything going for you...the perfect gentleman. Then before you know it he becomes the perfect DICK. Be careful with the guy who pretends to be the perfect gentleman to get what he wants, i.e. sex/fuck/bj. If he does do this, and you take the bait, don't worry and NEVER beat yourself up over it. Next time, keep a few things to yourself, and don't jump into bed because he tells you he wants to snuggle while you listen to Amy Winehouse and discuss philosophy in the almost too perfect mood lighting...and don't make a Youtube video, as cute as it is.

5. There are a few sure things that can end a date or progress the date to mere and utter disaster. Fastest way to end a date is telling a guy he is broken, and that he just hasn't found the right guy to fix him. Did he just try and psychoanalyze me? I pay good money for that, I don't need to hear it from YOU. You might as well tell the guy he is used goods, and like a Kia Sportage has no return value...bitch. Since when do we need to take dating advice from someone wearing carrot-cut cargo pants? xo. winky face.

6. Any bitchy comments followed by a winky face make them even that much bitchier. Especially after pretending to be the gentleman. So if you want to get into someone's pants, be straight forward and honest and skip the great fun-filled long day, where you go eat mexican food, walk around for hours downtown, then grab a beer...only deciding you will go back to his place and have your way with him...then later text him, I thought you were different, and not like the other guys. I am disappointed in you ;-). Then disappear. Bitch. Be honest, be up front, it'll get you further in the long run, or a slap in the face...if you're into that.

7. Don't ever date someone to fill some kind of void in your life. I repeat, DON'T! Most of the times what we are looking for is really inside of us. Find those things you love to do. Pick up that old hobby you once had. Truth is you have to be satisfied with yourself first and foremost. Besides picking up your hobbies again might lead you to groups of similar interests and meeting new people...maybe someone with the same inclinations. Meeting people in the real, outside world can happen! So device down and go out.

8. Spending the night at someone's house is a BIG DEAL...especially if it is for the first time; let alone that he will notice your weird sleeping habits, that you snore, maybe you sweat profusely throughout the night (even with clothes off), or if omg...dare I say it...have to go to the bathroom and not number 1. Either way he will see you without your face on, hair everywhere, and if you don't feel comfortable, for whatever reason (or maybe you aren't ready for that type of commitment), don't do it. Just don't be a bitch about it when you say no.

9. A cute way to always get a guys picture...especially if you forgot who it was you exchanged numbers with after a long night of partying at Mustache Monday or Tigerheat is to say hey, send me your picture for your contact profile. Plus, at the same time, throw in something cute like, I have the worst short term memory, what's your name again? Two birds with one stone. This way once the picture comes through you can remember if he was cute or not and if you should stop drinking from now on...and make more intelligent choices. Maybe.

10. Paying for your own McDonald's is a deal breaker and NOT a date. Totes.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 14, OKCupid.com Edt.

About three months ago, I decided that the dating world needed a little less of me. After all, the past year has taught me a lot, especially about myself...so I mulled it over, reorganized my brain, shifted my thinking, and now, OKCupid.com! My friend told me about it one day while he was answering questions for his profile, and told me, hey give it a shot. He knew that dating wasn't something I wanted to do right now, but it was a great way to meet local gay men without having to show off your cock in the first picture. Plus, it did all the weeding out for you, only showing you people who are compatible with your interests, likes, and dislikes. It rates people on a Match %, Friend %, and Enemy %. So, off I went, and clicked START.

25 questions is how the site starts, the more you answer the better the match. But where does one start with the site or any dating site? Here are a few rules to filling out a profile for dating, NOT for sex! Now before we begin, come up with a screen name for the site. I always find it easier to use some derivative of your real name, that way the guy can remember you.

1. After setting up your email, profile name (which typically is the hardest thing to do), and password, you upload a picture. The picture should always be clear and of your face. Guys, you might look amazing with your shirt off, but come on, pretend this is a head shot. Pick out something cute to wear. Remember the picture SHOULD ALWAYS be current. Don't post a picture of you when you were in highschool, or a scanned picture...who uses a scanner for pics anymore? Have at least 3 pictures of yourself...I suggest a face picture (don't make it look like a mug shot), a full shot of you, and then a fun one...it gives you character.

2. Stats: Height. Weight. Age, real age. Be honest, don't lie...remember if and when you are meeting the person, they will see you. Like, really see you. I understand that in this gay world we live in age, looks, weight, become a central part of being the gay man.  The truth is, the gay man comes in different forms, so be the form you want to be, accept it, love it, and just be YOU!

3. Fill out the detailed portions of your profile. You know, those sections that ask you to summarize yourself, who you are, what you like, your hobbies, all the stuff that makes you, YOU. Use a lot of adjectives, such as, Hey guys, my name is Daniel. I am a great, honest, sincere guy who enjoys hanging out with his friends and making new ones. Three in one sentence...overload! Ok, you don't have to be that cheesy, but it gets the point across, and that is the point. Put it out there, make it honest, make it you. Remember, the more you fill out, the better your percentages go up...as well as visibility. Oh and guys don't write about who you DON'T want to contact you, what you hate/dislike, and NEVER right in text lingo. You know what I mean, gr8 vgl guy, str8 acting u b 2. We are not middle school girls! Oh yeah, and make sure to talk about your hobbies, PS...sex, gym, and shopping are NOT hobbies.

4.  Once you have all the basics set upm start answering the questions. I found it easier to answer them slowly, because after 20 or so you find yourself debating who you are. Don't get overwhelmed and start biting your nails, hoping that you are answering the right way so that one hot dude you were checking out gets your match and then before you know it you are planning each other's wedding and becoming the poster couple for OKCupid. STOP! If you think an answer might give the wrong impression, thankfully you can explain it...so do so.

5. After 50 questions you have more options opened up to you. Use them! You have these things called Quiver matches. Check them out and see who you were paired with and if you might be interested in starting up a conversation. Don't worry that doesn't necessarily mean you might like these people, you can always remove them and say not interested. It's great because you don't have to reject in person and deal with that awkwardness of being in the same vicinity and knowing that he is staring you down because you said no.

6. Don't look at too many profiles, merely peruse them. Check out the ones you think you would like...they know when you visit their profile. If you think you would click, say hello. Don't be one of those guys that goes back to the same profile over and over again and never says hello. It's CREEPY. Grow some man balls and say hello! If you are scared of rejection, there is nothing to worry about, he won't respond, and it's alright.

7. Don't contact too many people at one time. Do you want to run through all of your options that fast? Keep some at bay, waiting. Plus, contacting too many people will make you lose track of who is worth talking to and getting to know. One person at a time, or a couple, is best...I think.

8. Use the percentages to your advantage. On the site there are three percentages: match, friends, enemies. Look at them and then read the profile, don't let the fact that you are 80% enemies scare you away. They are based off questions answered, and remember sometimes people are scared of tests and maybe they don't test well. This is the test of LIFE people! So read the profile and make a better decision with the numbers at hand.

9. If you chat up with someone find out more about them. Ask them questions about things they wrote or answered, don't get too serious, chat it up, have a little fun. Getting to know someone is the best part. After a couple of weeks ask to exchange numbers, if you feel it is at that place of comfortability.

10. You might sometimes be matched with guys you have dated. Maybe an ex!! Do you contact them? Do you seek out what could happen, maybe there was something left unsaid. Note to self: just say, hi, and maybe grab dinner and catch up...don't make a thing out of it. Or, maybe you both need time, so don't take this as a sign or read more than you should into it.

Definitely one of the better sites out there for dating, chatting, and making friends. Use it to your advantage, but be transparent about what YOU are looking for. Always be safe, be prepared to run into the ex (don't be a crazy bitch or use this site as a personal vendetta/crusade to smear his name), but above all, have FUN! If anything, it is an interesting way to see the gay guys on adam4adam clothed!

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 13, The Second Date

photo by Alan Ilagan

At this point we have all gone on a few first dates, good and bad. For those of you who have SURVIVED, congratulations! On to the second date. The first date might be the hardest, but how does one land the second date? Are there tell tale signs? Do you wait a couple of days before you ask, text, Facebook message him? Maybe he didn't really like you and instead faked a great first date. Here is the security deposit to the Second Date. The signs you should watch for, the text of his speech, his body language, and of course the things you shouldn't do to NOT get a second date. In order to fully understand if there is a promise of a second date we must dissect the first date.

Initial Contact
You know mom always said, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so make it count! If there will be a second date, you better shine on the first, and it all starts out at the beginning. Do you have fresh breathe? Always make sure to shower and apply deodorant. Be on time. It's alright to be old fashioned and dare we say it, courteous on the first date...if it isn't you, maybe you should give it a shot!

1. If you have already chatted a bit and know you two like each other, charm him. Open the car door for him, be a gentleman. Just because we are gay doesn't mean chivalry and romance go out the window. Think with your head, and not the one between your legs. Plus, this might leave a lasting impression after the first date is over and he goes and dishes with his friends...and he opened the door for me.

2. Being on time is definitely high up there. If one is buying into the whole idea of relationships being a business transaction, then one should ALWAYS be on time. Are you ever late to an interview? NO! In life, I have learned the rule of being 15 minutes early...to everything. If you are running late, be courteous and send a message to him. You don't want him thinking he is being stood up, right?

The Maincourse
Once hellos are all in order and you managed to make it out to your destination, the real show begins. Like a meal, the middle of the date is the most important to creating the second date. What you say will have an impact, so choose your topics wisely, and don't be afraid to stray away from things you might not feel comfortable talking about just yet.

3. Allow them to join in on the conversation. Don't dominate the date. I am sure you have some interesting insights about politics, religion, lifestyle, and maybe you feel the government is watching you through Facebook. This isn't the time to discuss THAT! If so, what did you really learn about them?

4. DON'T talk about politics, religion, lifestyle...just yet. That can kill the first date (if you have opposed ideologies)  and then there will be no second date. It doesn't ALWAYS have to be about your views being right, you know what they say, opposites attract.

5. Body language is one of the most important keys to figuring out if he is feeling you on the first date and give way to any inclinations for a second date. Is he attentive to what you are saying? Or, is he just glossed over looking past you?

6. Full facial contact. Wait right there, get the idea of cock in your face or full make out session out of your mind, that's not what I am talking about here. If a guy is fully engaged in the date his face will make full contact. He will be smiling, his eyes open up and react to comments or your stories, he is fully vested in what YOU are doing. If you are both doing it at the same time, then BONUS, you are both having a great first date which means you are on the way to a second date. As long ask you ask.

Ending the date
Wow, so much was said. You both were fully engaged in a face fuck of conversation. This is probably the point where you begin to second guess yourself about how EVERYTHING went during the date. STOP it! Wipe your hands, take a deep breath and let him know if YOU had a good time. This is the point where the first date can end and give way to the second date in a matter of seconds, minutes, or days. Ending the date is the same as writing a thesis, reiterate what happened and follow it up with, I had a lot of fun [insert awkward nervous laugh and pray he did too].

7. If you had a good time, say it. If he is shy or maybe insecure, you telling him will hopefully prompt him to know that you are in for a second date.

8. Ask for the second date. Some people will say that maybe you should wait a few days, a week, and give the guy and yourself some time to reflect on what happened. Maybe hang out with your friends, give them the dish of the date and get their feedback. I say, do whatever you feel is right. I have been asked out on a second date right after the first one ended. It's all about approach.

Post First Date
Is he going to call me back? Will he text me? Maybe he will send me a private Facebook/Twitter message. Wait, should I call him back and ask him out? Oh no, I said the wrong thing. I was picking at my face the whole time, my hair was bad. Post date anything, we freak out if things don't happen according to plan. Guess what? There really isn't a set plan to the after-date. If he likes you, he probably said it. If he had a great time, guess what? He also probably said it. So don't text him once every hour without a reply. Let him settle in, or if you were lucky you had already made plans for the next date during the first. Great job!

9. How persistent should someone be after the first date? Well, like I said it is about approach. If he wasn't into you during the first date then you would have known. It's been my experience that gay men, tend to tell it how it is. Either verbally or physically. If you didn't pick up on it, then send out a message after the first date. Say, hi, how have you been? DON'T do it every hour! Have some restraint. If after a couple of days nothing, then let it go. If he really wants to go on a second date and he is busy, he can contact you. Messaging works both ways. Period.

10. If during the first date, they say, I can't wait to do this again. Or, this is so refreshing to go on such a great date. You are a shoe in! Set something up, maybe you both discussed something you BOTH really wanted to do, or there is a great art exhibit you both have been dying to see. Ask him out!

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 12, Southern Edition

Todays post for, the Tops and Bottoms of Dating, comes from none other than TheManCrushblog.com! Serving up some witty and poignant Southern flair for dating advice. Read, have fun, and hun, don't tread on the all mighty Britney Spears! Deal breaker.

1. Pull out and reveal your "crazy" card on the first date. Maybe Yankees or West Coast guys are better at hiding or containing the crazy but in the South every guy, no matter how decent, hot or sane they appear to be, has a "crazy" card. We Southerners take pride in being eccentric and a bit off. I mean, hello, look at our Southern queen Britney Spears! Guys – if you're in the south or dating a Southern boy ... ask to see his "crazy" card. You don't want to go three dates in and have the guy whip it out on you and suddenly you're fearing for your life. True story: I once went out with a Marxist. I mean, really, I don't care much about your politics or political leanings but I kinda need a heads up if you're a bit crazy. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea: Him: "Oh yeah, I'm a Marxist." Me: [awkward silence] "Oh. Okay ..." Him: "Yeah, and I'm probably going to be dead within two years." Me: [frowns] "And why do you say that?" Him: "It's just the way it's gonna be." [shrugs]. Uhm, yes ... so you see, springing the crazy needs to happen during the flirting process. Give a guy some warning of how crazy you really are to be courteous. Please.

2. Let's not let that freak flag fly. Remember that episode of Desperate Housewives where Bree found out Rex was into being dominated and S&M? They had been married for years but she never knew this about him and he never told her. That was a good thing! For some reason that sort of modesty and secrecy does not exist amongst men. Oh, you'll hear all the kink and fetishes upfront and for some strange reason guys think this is a turn on. No! It isn't! I don't want to know the weird little things that gets your motors running. True story: I had a perfectly fine date once. We went to go see the movie version of Chicago. All was well up until the guy turns and asks, "Do you want to go into the mall with me? I need to buy a dress." Oh yes. He needed to buy a dress. For himself. He was a cross dresser! Letting that freak flag wave tall and proud is nice and stuff after you get to know a guy but it's usually a faux pas to let it fly prematurely in a relationship.

3. Let's not discuss your ex and other failed relationships. Sigh. You meet a really hot guy, you either get asked out or drum up the courage to ask him out and what happens? The whole date is spent talking about the ex and how that relationship fizzled. Unless your date is taking place on the set of Dr. Phil, let's not discuss exes or why your last relationship failed. I don't care about your ex. I'm trying to figure out if I care about you beyond hooking-up purposes. Let's keep the focus and conversation on us in the present, shall we?

4. Can we just avoid awkwardness and go dutch on the first date? There's always that awkward moment during that first date–who's going to pay? Him, you? What does it mean if he pays? What does it mean if you pay? We all know the answer to this question: paying establishes domination. Let him pay and you may get a free meal or coffee or whatever it is he's paying for: you'll be paying him back with a blow job or some other sexual favor. Take the pressure off and call it a truce: you pay for your ish, let him pay for his. That way no one is obligated under the gay terms of dating to do anything he doesn't want to do.

5. Give me some space, dammit! You meet a guy, you two are dating, things are going just swell. Then someone gets a bit too clingy. Give a guy some space! Sure, we're dating, we're hooking up. Or maybe I just entrusted you with my phone number or friended you on Facebook: I need space. Do not take a little green light by a guy as a sign that you're free to go absolutely crazy. Don't show up on his doorstep every night, don't expect to talk to him non-stop on the phone from the time he's off work till he's unconscious and fast asleep, don't think he's suddenly going to spend every waking hour with you: you're dating, or maybe just hooking up on a regular basis and casually have dinner or go out afterwards; I'm pretty sure he doesn't want a stalker or to feel like he's babysitting. Men like space and freedom, give it to them!

6. Pajamas will never be acceptable formal wear. I don't care if where we are going–whether it be to the grocery store at 12 in the morning, IHOP or Wal-Mart, it is not acceptable to be seen out in public in your pajamas. It's not sexy, it's not cool, don't do it, period.

7. Boys text. Real men call. If you can't call and talk like a grown up and can only text or worse, Tweet, you aren't worth my time.

8. If you ask me a question, don't get pissy over my answer. I'm all for communication and being an open book. So I'll be respectful and will keep my opinions to myself but if you ask me a question, don't hold my response against me if it doesn't match with what you were hoping to get as a response.

9. This is the South. Do not correct my English or Grammar skills. Look, I'll make every effort to speak in a manner in which you will be able to understand me but unless you're training me for a spelling bee or the G.R.E., do not expect every sentence I speak to be grammatically correct. The only time you should be correcting my oral skills is in the bedroom. Thanks!

10. I don't care how drugged up, confused, bloated and out of it she seems or appears–Britney Spears is the center of my world so shut up about how her "time is up." Listen, we're dating, going out (if even that), but that doesn't give you the right to rip the almighty, forever lip-syncing, slightly discombobulated Southern princess of pop. I'll endure your horrid taste in music, will nod along to the country music station, even stomach the un-Holy sounding gospel music. But I will not sit idly by as you rant and rave about how Britney Spears' is irrelevant, can't sing, washed up and so on and so forth. Bish is like herpes–she comes and goes but she's been around for years and isn't going anywhere anytime soon so get over. A strong dislike and continual ripping of the Cheeto and Uggs queen is grounds for breakup. Deal breaker! 

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 11

1. Fresh breath is ALWAYS important! We are adults, use a toothbrush, a water pick, some floss, and mouth wash. Oh, and don't forget the dentist!

2. If you are going to tell someone what they can/can't do, then you must be sure to do the same. You can't set up rules and then not follow them, unless somehow you both mutually agree that it is stricken from the record and you can proceed as normal. The Court of Gay Love according to Judge Judy.

3. Me: "Hey there, how are you today?" Him: "Just hanging out, bored really." Me: "It's too nice of a day to be bored." Him: "Well, I'm actually horny." -- Bored=Horny.

4. Some guys use the selection of friends or looking for a relationship on profiles to get hit on more, instead of saying they are looking for a sex buddy. False advertisement, be honest about what you want. If people don't want to hit you up when you place looking for a sex bud it's probably for other reasons than you think.

5. If someone asks you in person what do you like to do, they mean exactly that, what do you like to do. Hobbies, life, friends, etc. When someone online asks you what do you like to do or into, they mean something else entirely...sex. What do you like to do sexually? So, why don't they just ask it that way?

6. When asked about how you feel about a certain situation, for example plans changing and three friends joining you making you feel like the 5th wheel because one friend is in love with the guy you are dating and needs his attention, speak up. Let him know how you feel, and it is always alright to excuse yourself from the situation and say, "Hey, I think I am just going to head home."

7. No matter how in love, don't forget to say you are sorry if you were wrong about something.

8. It's alright if you don't see the person you are dating every day. Sometimes you need your alone time to reacquaint yourself with YOU and the things you love to do. Secret single behavior.

9. Advice from a friend: "More than half the shit you think is important...isn't."

10. Make sure when you are dating someone, that their best friend (of the opposite sex) isn't in love with them. Awkward.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating, Video Edition: How to Meet a Guy Offline

I wanted to do another Tops an Bottoms of Dating, but in video form. This is one of many to come! Hope you enjoy! Also here are a few links to the shout outs I gave. Support the bloggers, podcasters, vloggers, and well everyone! Enjoy. xo

HaventHart.com | @HavenHart

theManCrushBlog.com | @Man_crush

@TheVelvetSpark

BabbleOnPodcast | @BabbleOnPodcast

Jizzona Straynger | @Jizzona

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 10

1. Find out what you do that annoys him and try not to do it anymore. Try. If you can't change it just let him know, "Hey! I was born this way." And then break out in song and dance.

2. Let him surprise you once in awhile, you might like it.

3. Get away together for a weekend. It's good practice just in case you ever decide to move in together. Plus, you can see if he does anything that annoys you.

4. Some times your musical tastes might not be aligned with each other and it's alright. Just add your own lyrics when he is listening to JLo, correction Jennifer Lopez now, and say she is amazing!

5. Don't double book yourself with your friend and him. Those are decisions that can not be solved with a coin toss.

6. If you are dating someone in another city, share the driving responsibilities. Plus it gives you an excuse to leave things at his place. A few articles of clothing, toothbrush, razor, a hair dryer with all of it's attachments, and a love fern. Hopefully he won't kill it!

7. Share in the decision making process. Every one has an opinion, especially gay men, so open your mouth and voice it! Not everyone wants to have a blue bathroom.

8. Don't tell a guy that you can get tired of being around some people, especially if you see them often. What you should say is that at times you need your ALONE/going with friends to the movie/getting drinks time. You can have separate lives and be together.

9. When going out to dinner with his parents, be presentable, but still be you. Just remember this rule of thumb, remove one piece of jewelry before you walk out the door (according to Coco Chanel).

10. It's a good thing if you wake up together and the first thing you can do is make him smile or laugh. Even if it is because you get crazy hair in the morning.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 9

1. If you need to correct your dates pronunciation of a particular food he is ordering, please do it nicely and not in front of the waiter. Ask him first and then proceed to correct, if necessary. It's not your fault you took French for 5 years. Coq au vin.

2. Don't attempt to order the food for him because he can't pronounce it.

3. It is alright to leave an awkward silence or not talk at all during dinner. Enjoy your food and then ensue with 20 questions.

4. Meeting the friends on a first date is daunting. Make sure to look your best, be on your best behavior, and smell good, because you know the verdict will be up after you leave. Sometimes it will come during the date. Be prepared.

5. Stay away from ordering drinks and allowing the bartender to be creative. If he sees you two are nervous, his mission is to fuck you up. Before you know it, you both are naked, making out, and having sex. Maybe. And, that does not a first date make.

6. Setting up a date should not be a task. If you and he want to, then you WILL do it. Make some time, be spontaneous. You never know, you might have fun, even if it means being tired for work the next day.

7. If a guy says he just wants to hang out and not date, it means just that, hang out. The difference is one requires too much commitment while the other is casual and if he/you has time. But not like a hook-up.

8. After dating someone seriously and ending it, don't stop being who you are. If you two still remain friends, chat, have fun, don't hide things because you think you are protecting his feelings. In the end, it makes it worse.

9. Sharing pictures, not the naked ones, just in your underwear, before a date or hang out is alright. Right?

10. It's fine to talk dirty or slutty (*my computer wants to correct slutty to smutty*), that doesn't mean you are one.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 7

1. Don't swallow unless the guy is serious about you and is boyfriend/fuckfriend/ltr status. Wait 3 months because that is how long it takes to get a secure HIV/AIDs test result.

2. If I  give you my number at the club. that doesn't mean we are boyfriends...at least not yet. Twitter me instead. That's the easiest way to get a hold of me.

3. A lunch date doesn't always have to end with a kiss. A firm hug will do.

4. If you get mad easily at my 3AM phones calls, then it probably won't work out. What can I say, I am a bit needy.

5. Don't EVER be late to a date. It's like the first interview for that awesome job you want, only to find out a year later...it sucks! (Not all jobs suck.)

6. Don't make yourself to available.

7. Always find out if the person has any allergies or dislikes when choosing a place to have a dinner date. You don't want the date to end abruptly because he breaks out in hives.

8. If you like someone after a few dates, it is alright to let them know. More than likely they like you too.

9. Don't date married/partnered men. Trust me it NEVER works.

10. If you are a blogger/vlogger/writer date someone that is one too. He will understand you better, and realize that your schizophrenia is normal, because his is too.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 6

1. I said it before, I will say it again, don't ever talk about the ex on the first date.

2. Crying, screaming children, cholos, vatos, b-boys, familias...next time pick somewhere to have a date that doesn't include this clientele.

3. Cheek kisses are always welcome on a first date. It's cute. They are fun. They remind me of being a kid and when you kissed a girl on the cheek then ran away all giddy. Young Love.

4. If you pick up the guy to go on a date, always have a play list ready on your Ipod. He will more than likely ask what kind of music you like. Hit play, listen, and enjoy.

5. Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, should NOT be on the playlist.

6. Use a cold rainy day to have a stay-at-home date. Light the fire, watch a movie, or listen to music, while you chat and learn about yourselves over a glass of wine.

7. Get a good bottle of wine! Google it, read up on it, that way you sound informed, smart, and damn it like you know your wine. Gay men love wine connoisseurs...and musicians.

8. Be careful of guys who read your blog/Livejournal/Tumblr/Buzznet etc, they might be dating you because they want to be a post in your blog.

9. Don't date people who are your readers/follower of your blog.

10. Wine and a movie are the new first date.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 5

1. Don't call me babe after one date or just after chatting me up. I am not your baby. Ok babe/babes/hun/love/dear. xo

2. Never share how many men you slept with, even if he asks you and says he isn’t bothered by such information. LIES. They are! Instead be a gentleman and direct the conversation towards something else, like, where is the seediest place you have had sex.

3. Have a list of conversation starters in your head, and always stay up on current events. It will kill the silent awkward moments during a date. Or beware the rant, that’s when everything comes out and you don’t want that to happen...just yet.

4. Wear cute underwear, you never know where the night may take you (especially after sexy intellectual talk). Hopefully not taking off your clothes at your local gay bar/club!

5. Don’t drink too much on the first date, it can/will make you look sloppy. Hold it together! Breathe, and just be you, if all else fails only have ONE shot of tequila to help loosen you up.

6. NEVER bring up the ex in conversation on the first date. It can make you look crazy. Instead wait until a month, and use it to explain why you are damaged and cannot attach yourself to anyone, which is why you are emotionally unavailable.

7. Always make sure to carry gum, breath mints, or binaca mouth spray. You don’t want to kill your date after eating something with onion in it.

8. Always have the salad when on a date. It will minimize the above.

9. If and only if you do plan on getting lucky on the first date (slut/whore/free-spirit; I am not judging), and you are a bottom, do the top a favor and clean. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

10. INVEST in an enema/anal douching kit.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 4

1. If you are going to date more than one person, please make sure to keep everyone and everything you said straight. That way you don't get yourself in trouble. Hopefully he does the same, and doesn't call you by someone else's name.

2. Always go dutch on dates. It shows that you are independent and/or have a job.

3. Dating and meeting new people is awkward to begin with. It’s like having sex for the first time with someone new. For some gay men this happens all at once. Awkward.

4. When you are no longer interested in someone, or don't see it going anywhere, YOU must let them know. Don't be a heartless monster and lead them on. Don't say I love you amidst a drunken stupor.

5. NEVER fish/rim/sex/bj in company waters. Instead wait until they get fired or if they are seasonal, talk to your store manager to find out if he will be kept or let go. Once let go, then proceed to ask him out. In the meantime he must remain a Man Crush.

6. It is alright to break dating rules, this is why man created the delete button and erasers...permanent markers work best.

7. If you or a guy makes a mixtape for the other, it means something. Mixtapes are the old/new I love you. Retro is always in!

8. It is alright if you and a guy have not had sex after the 4th or so date. It means he likes you and respects you. So stop thinking you are ugly, fat, or weird. He is courting you. Chivalry isn't dead just the word.

9. Don't text, Grindr, Radar, or have your phone to your face while on a date. He might think you are uninterested...fact is you probably are.

10. Skype-ing a guy is the new long distance dating/relationship. You can get dirty and sexy with him and then turn him off when you don't want to talk or see him anymore. It's kind of perfect!

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 3

 

1. It is never alright to hit up your ex's friend on Grindr. Especially if the relationship ended badly. Have some fucking dignity and self-respect! Wait about 3 months and then go for it! My friends advise me otherwise...

2. Figure out your own bottom line/ deal breaker before you ask it to the person you are on a date with, because more than likely he will ask you too.

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating:Part 2

Everyday we find out new rules that we need to add to our list and be aware of...

1. Ok men, now I know I said it's 2010 and you should have a picture of yourself on your profile. What I meant is a face picture, not your dick, not your ass, not your ass spread apart! Men/guys/gays want to see that mug rather if it is cute or not. Oh yeah, and please be honest of your picture. Don't use one of yourself when you were 10 years younger, had a body to go for days, be CURRENT! Be HONEST! This means age, weight, hairiness, and if so cock size. Because let's face it would you rather be turned down online or in fucking person! Check out GaySharkTank!

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 1

As we progress into the blog we have been learning a few things about dating, the Tops and Bottoms of Dating, as I am calling it. Feel free to share yours, comment, like, poke, twitter it, overall whore it out.

1.Men, it is 2010, please have a face pic on your profile prior to hitting me/us up. Enough with the I don't want anyone to know I am here shit, if your co-workers, family members, exes, are on Adam4Adam, Gay.com, etc...then they are there for the same reason, DTF.