Monday, July 25, 2011

Letters to the One I Loved

Dear so-called-Monster,

Truth is, you are not a monster. I demonized you in a way that put you out of my life because you broke my heart. At this point in life you think we would be use to heartache, almost numb to it. But that is neither here nor there, what's done is done, it is what it is.

In the short months that we knew each other, I believe we had a bond. The bond of music. We both could turn on the radio and it was ALWAYS our jam playing. We met at a bar, there I sat wearing my rust-colored leather jacket, waiting. You came up behind me said hello and gave me a hug. We sat in the back as you casually smoked your cigarette, discussing queer theories, and our passion for indie dance music. In the cool breeze of the evening you walked me to my car and we kissed. Kissing with passion, it could have been the alcohol consumed that made us do it, or the fact that we both love the band Crystal Castles and had been playing in the background. You looked at me and said, wow, I really like you. I want you to come back to my place but I really like you and don't want to ruin that. You had said the right words at the moment they needed to come out. It was perfect.

We began dating, amidst the fact that you were moving into a new place. You told me your fantasy and showed me the romantic side of you. All you wanted was a slow song to come on, a guy you like/love in the room, and a dance with him. The first night of your move, we took our guitars, a lamp, and your Macbook. We sat in the middle of your barren new apartment, armed with our musical inclinations. Earlier in the day I had made a CD. Like school kids we sat there listening to it, fidgeting with my guitar, you with your camera in hand. You asked me, so, what's the surprise? Don't worry, it's coming up, I responded. You couldn't wait any longer so I found myself skipping to the song. Truth is, I couldn't wait either. Slow, steady, the lyrics begin the chorus hits, kissing...kissing. As I am standing up from the floor, I reach over with my hand out and ask you to dance. As we slow danced in your soon to be living room, you whispered, this is boyfriend status.
Here I am, a year later. If we were together still...well you get the idea. Looking back I realized it's our love and passion for music that I miss. Remember the time, we both decided it should be an early Christmas? We were getting ready and you began playing Mariah Carey's, Jesus Oh What A Wonderful Child. At first I teased you and then you had me singing along with it. We would put the song on any chance we could, just so we could clap and act like fools. We loved Christmas and I am sure we separately still do.

A few days before Halloween we went on a candy spree over at the Rite-Aide across from your place. We were armed like little children in a candy store, literally. We wanted everything that had a calorie count that would give you a heart attack. Along with the apple pie you baked, from the apples we picked on one of our dates out in the mountains, we ate the candy corn and sweet apple pie. Our love for the holidays, it was a great friendship.

Remember the time I introduced you to Adele? The song you most loved was, Crazy For You. As you sang it, you sang it and looked at me. The smile on your face would always appear. The same smile you had when I watched you strum your guitar to the song, More than Words, and Blackbird. Your voice was soothing, rushing over me, giving me the same feeling I had when we first slept together...and that is Never Too Much.

Friendship can be tricky. Dating someone and then being friends afterwards is even trickier. You feel like you have to set up rules between each other. If you begin dating other people, is it alright to introduce each other? Does it matter? After all at some point, we have all slept or will sleep with each other. In a small city or even a large one, six degrees of separation dwindles down to one degree. I won't lie, I search for you when I go to the bar. Hoping to catch a glimpse of you and maybe being able to say, hello. Grab a beer together, chat about what we have been up to, how school is going for yourself, where I am at in my life. After all, we had a good friendship while we were dating, why can't our friendship continue through a small bump in the road?

People break up. Guys change their minds about what they want, and that wasn't your fault. You had the decency to communicate it. We thought we would remain friends, until I did something. I wrote about my heartache. That was a year ago, I was hurt...I didn't think I could be your friend. There were feelings still involved in my part. Looking back now, I realize it is our friendship I miss the most...How does one reach out? To make amends and become friends...once again.


  1. How sad that you would want to be friend with a guy like him. I read you're other posts, I mean really do you need friends that bad? He's a jerk!

  2. Totally BMB, have some self-respect for yourself! He gave you up cause he didn't want you in the first place, kick him to the curb! he doesn't deserve you XD

  3. I think I just needed to air it out, allow it to be cathartic. Sometimes I let feelings overwhelm me and I don't release them. Thanks guys for the advice!

  4. Serious! get it out of your system. Find a better guy deserving of your attention. Someone you know won't hurt you and take guitar lessons with him so he can serenade you into the night! Haha

  5. I do love the boys who play guitars...

  6. But if he valued your friendship, and appreciated you as a companion in any way, wouldn't he have treated you a little better in your breakup instead of "it is what it is"? Didn't he want to hook up with one of your co-worker/friends while he dated you, then hit him up on Grindr after? You can find another scruffy faced guy to bum around with that will treat you so much better, that I am sure of. You deserve so much more. One thing mom always told me "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose." Oh wait....