Wednesday, June 22, 2011

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 12, Southern Edition

Todays post for, the Tops and Bottoms of Dating, comes from none other than! Serving up some witty and poignant Southern flair for dating advice. Read, have fun, and hun, don't tread on the all mighty Britney Spears! Deal breaker.

1. Pull out and reveal your "crazy" card on the first date. Maybe Yankees or West Coast guys are better at hiding or containing the crazy but in the South every guy, no matter how decent, hot or sane they appear to be, has a "crazy" card. We Southerners take pride in being eccentric and a bit off. I mean, hello, look at our Southern queen Britney Spears! Guys – if you're in the south or dating a Southern boy ... ask to see his "crazy" card. You don't want to go three dates in and have the guy whip it out on you and suddenly you're fearing for your life. True story: I once went out with a Marxist. I mean, really, I don't care much about your politics or political leanings but I kinda need a heads up if you're a bit crazy. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea: Him: "Oh yeah, I'm a Marxist." Me: [awkward silence] "Oh. Okay ..." Him: "Yeah, and I'm probably going to be dead within two years." Me: [frowns] "And why do you say that?" Him: "It's just the way it's gonna be." [shrugs]. Uhm, yes ... so you see, springing the crazy needs to happen during the flirting process. Give a guy some warning of how crazy you really are to be courteous. Please.

2. Let's not let that freak flag fly. 
Remember that episode of Desperate Housewives where Bree found out Rex was into being dominated and S&M? They had been married for years but she never knew this about him and he never told her. That was a good thing! For some reason that sort of modesty and secrecy does not exist amongst men. Oh, you'll hear all the kink and fetishes upfront and for some strange reason guys think this is a turn on. No! It isn't! I don't want to know the weird little things that gets your motors running. True story: I had a perfectly fine date once. We went to go see the movie version of Chicago. All was well up until the guy turns and asks, "Do you want to go into the mall with me? I need to buy a dress." Oh yes. He needed to buy a dress. For himself. He was a cross dresser! Letting that freak flag wave tall and proud is nice and stuff after you get to know a guy but it's usually a faux pas to let it fly prematurely in a relationship.

3. Let's not discuss your ex and other failed relationships. Sigh. You meet a really hot guy, you either get asked out or drum up the courage to ask him out and what happens? The whole date is spent talking about the ex and how that relationship fizzled. Unless your date is taking place on the set of Dr. Phil, let's not discuss exes or why your last relationship failed. I don't care about your ex. I'm trying to figure out if I care about you beyond hooking-up purposes. Let's keep the focus and conversation on us in the present, shall we?

4. Can we just avoid awkwardness and go dutch on the first date? There's always that awkward moment during that first date–who's going to pay? Him, you? What does it mean if he pays? What does it mean if you pay? We all know the answer to this question: paying establishes domination. Let him pay and you may get a free meal or coffee or whatever it is he's paying for: you'll be paying him back with a blow job or some other sexual favor. Take the pressure off and call it a truce: you pay for your ish, let him pay for his. That way no one is obligated under the gay terms of dating to do anything he doesn't want to do.

5. Give me some space, dammit! You meet a guy, you two are dating, things are going just swell. Then someone gets a bit too clingy. Give a guy some space! Sure, we're dating, we're hooking up. Or maybe I just entrusted you with my phone number or friended you on Facebook: I need space. Do not take a little green light by a guy as a sign that you're free to go absolutely crazy. Don't show up on his doorstep every night, don't expect to talk to him non-stop on the phone from the time he's off work till he's unconscious and fast asleep, don't think he's suddenly going to spend every waking hour with you: you're dating, or maybe just hooking up on a regular basis and casually have dinner or go out afterwards; I'm pretty sure he doesn't want a stalker or to feel like he's babysitting. Men like space and freedom, give it to them!

6. Pajamas will never be acceptable formal wear. I don't care if where we are going–whether it be to the grocery store at 12 in the morning, IHOP or Wal-Mart, it is not acceptable to be seen out in public in your pajamas. It's not sexy, it's not cool, don't do it, period.

7. Boys text. Real men call. If you can't call and talk like a grown up and can only text or worse, Tweet, you aren't worth my time.

8. If you ask me a question, don't get pissy over my answer.
 I'm all for communication and being an open book. So I'll be respectful and will keep my opinions to myself but if you ask me a question, don't hold my response against me if it doesn't match with what you were hoping to get as a response.

9. This is the South. Do not correct my English or Grammar skills. Look, I'll make every effort to speak in a manner in which you will be able to understand me but unless you're training me for a spelling bee or the G.R.E., do not expect every sentence I speak to be grammatically correct. The only time you should be correcting my oral skills is in the bedroom. Thanks!

10. I don't care how drugged up, confused, bloated and out of it she seems or appears–Britney Spears is the center of my world so shut up about how her "time is up." Listen, we're dating, going out (if even that), but that doesn't give you the right to rip the almighty, forever lip-syncing, slightly discombobulated Southern princess of pop. I'll endure your horrid taste in music, will nod along to the country music station, even stomach the un-Holy sounding gospel music. But I will not sit idly by as you rant and rave about how Britney Spears' is irrelevant, can't sing, washed up and so on and so forth. Bish is like herpes–she comes and goes but she's been around for years and isn't going anywhere anytime soon so get over. A strong dislike and continual ripping of the Cheeto and Uggs queen is grounds for breakup. Deal breaker! 


  1. LOL! This made my morning & is so true. I'm not the biggest Brittany fan but yeah her first album does lay down southern laws of dating & relationships. I just wish more gay men of the south had that southern gentleman appeal & flair. I would love to meet a guy like "Bobby Rae" in the movie "Sweet Home Alabama" or a guy close to the sort. Crazy card up front indeed! Hell we might share the interest & fun so I'm down! It's a new season for me & I hope things will work better this time around. I'm about long term relationships. Only had 2 bf, longest being just shy of 7 yrs before he passed away on 9/11. My second was just shy of 4yrs. Oh well leaving it all behind. Wish me luck & good luck to you too Men!

  2. OMG, I love Bobby Rae, handsome Southern Guy. Yes a new page and new story for you, go out there and have fun! Dating can be hard, but with the right rules in hand and knowing YOU and what YOU want it is all possible. You already have the right outlook, so good luck to you and thank you for reading! xo

  3. Great job ManCrush. What about wearing slippers up to the drug store? I'm guilty of that. I just needed aspirin!!

  4. "2. Let's not let that freak flag fly."

    I remember a funny conversation with a friend:

    Friend: "I went on this date and this guy, he's smart, he's handsome, he's kind, and attentive. It was the best date ever."
    Me: "OK, so what was the deal breaker?" I could tell there was a huge BUT coming.
    Friend: "He told me something I just couldn't believe. It was just horrible. I tried to hold it in but I couldn't help myself. I had to laugh and I felt bad and disgusted at the same time."
    Me: "Oh It can't be that bad. If the guy was all you said I'm sure you can get past it."
    Friend: "He likes to wear diapers."
    Me: "deal breaker, definitely."
    Friend: "right?!"

    I think I laughed for 15 minutes straight. There are some things you wish you never knew, but at the same time are grateful you found out before you "found" out. AHahahahaha...