Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Breaking Up V4.0 ; The Impasse to Indifference
There we were, our skin touched by the soft incandescent light that came from the bedside lamp. As we laid there wrapped in each other's embrace, our bodies touching from head to toe, we were quietly lost in thought. And then..."What do you think about us? I feel like we are at an impasse in our relationship."
THUMP. We were at an impasse, and a decision had to be made.
We had been here before, the discussion of what is to come in the relationship. The first time was when he was leaving to visit family and we discussed the fact that there are a few things we both want and don't want in a long term relationship. After all, that was the goal of dating and having a relationship with the both of us. We both, at one time discussed family and the whole white picket fence scenario. Scary, I know. Growing up I knew that at some point I would want to settle down and have just that, a family. A family I could call my own. On the other hand, he never saw this in his future. We both knew it from the get go. Instead of just parting ways then and there, we both figured we were having fun with each other. We enjoyed spending time with each other; going on dates, hanging out at his house in the evenings. At the same time, we had both decided to take off the boyfriend status. Sadly, it only lasted a couple of weeks. At the time he asked, we both felt it was right, we were both caught in the moment.
We were both sitting down in his kitchen, gazing into each other's eyes. As he looked over to me, with his hazel eyes, he skirted around the question. Building it with the anticipation and me trying to draw out of him...do you want to be boyfriends?
But there we were, right before him going to see his family. Locked in his bedroom while his out of town guest was in the other room. We paced around, discussing the feelinga we both had after our own trip to Los Olivos, and right before becoming boyfriends. The idea of wanting a family and building something that one of us didn't want.
What was happening? We were prolonging the inevitable parting of ways.
Bottomline: I don't want it to just be TWO for the rest of my life.
We continued on after he came back from his trip. But things had changed. Things were said. A few days ago as I was prepping for some work and trying to get events organized. I went out to meet him and his friends. I figured we were going on a double date to dinner and a movie. This wasn't the case. There I was strolling down Main Street in Huntington Beach, dressed up, since I had gone right after work; Khakis and a striped shirt, dress shoes in tow. He signaled to me, "Well, we already started drinking, so you need to get on board." As for me, I wasn't looking to drink, I just wanted to relax, have a good meal, and watch a movie, as we had planned. As we began our ascent to one of the bars, I noticed there was another person there...it was now five of us. Automatically I felt my night had ended, and I was the 5th wheel. Plus, it didn't help that I was living in my head, struggling about issues going on at work.
Eating shabu shabu, I decided that I would just take off after dinner. My honesty vomit came up and said it, of course he was saddened. They began to round up their bikes and I began to say goodbye. He leaned in, gave me a strong hug, said, "I love you." We let go...I looked at him and said goodbye.
The impasse had become palpable, to the point where it was becoming visible to others...
We both had felt it coming, that day brought us to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen.
There I stood, sullen at the impasse to my indifference. I have known this feeling all too much.