Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Calculus of Love: Giving Up Your Heart Is Never Easy


There wasn't a love note written, no pigeon to carry this message, no mix-tape to prepare me. What was about to happen was unwritten and I was left to copy and paste what I had in my mind and place it in my mouth.

If there is one thing learned from my past relationships it is that when I love, I love with every ounce of my being. It is intense, emotional; I get wound up in the person in a tizzy. The every day world that revolves around me seizes. This time around, that was the case for him, but not for me. The difficult thing for me at the moment, is that I feel nothing. Instead the feelings are stuck in my head, trying to come out, trying to be felt and heard by my body. There is this inherent feeling that I am the asshole, the seƱor of all douche-ry. Ex-boyfriend monster (which you are not), who was confused and I was left broken-hearted, I now understand.

I made a decision to stop seeing someone recently. Never to tread lightly on any answer, everything must be methodically thought out. Every thing planned and timed. The right words have to be used and a mutual respect for both people in the party must be present. In the end, after everything was said and done, the hurt crept in. I tried to make myself feel what I had said, because I meant it. But it seemed as if there was just more confusion, inside of myself. The emotions weren't stirring. They simply just weren't there.

He is a funny guy, has an optimistic view on life. Everyday to him is a fun day. It was through him that my flaws were pointed out. My pessimistic view was left laying there in front of me, a platter served up cold, that I didn't even want to eat. I sucked the fun out of the mundane. What was coming out of him, to describe me, was the person I never wanted to become.

Every move that was made in that relationship was calculated by me. The calculus of love. The thing we had, together, was not allowed to grow naturally. Lesson learned, maybe. Emotionally retarded, yes I am.

In dating someone we should always be honest. Honest to them, but most importantly honest to ourselves. At the same time we should allow ourselves to open up to new ideas, new possibilities of seeing the world and a relationship. Learn to love Disneyland. It's alright to be light-hearted. Stop being cynical, have fun! In the end, you might find the real you.

8 comments:

  1. I think, and I hope he would agree (maybe he wont, what do I know?) that at least you explained yourself to him. Maybe in time that will help give him closure. I've been dumped in an email, that is shitty, cowardly behavior. You cared enough to let him know instead of just disappearing. I don't think your emotionally retarded either, I would say that award belongs to me. I've at least earned bitch of the year.

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  2. Looks like you learned a good lesson with this relationship. Thats what love is all about. All these expirences will lead up to the perfect guy and all your lessons will have perpared for that special person. He may not be perfect to anyone else but he will be perfect for you. You guys will match like if you found that missing peice of your puzzle. Keep on your journey and you will learn a whole lot.

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  3. Thanks Orlando! That is the perfect way of saying it, the piece to my puzzle. It's hard because you find people who you think might be it, but I don't know. Maybe doubt settles in a lot for me, because I see the rest of my life flashing before my eyes. But definitely...I will learn more, it's all I can do. right?

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  4. You know as long as you broke up with him the right way, explained yourself, and was honest as to why you ended it..then that should be enough..like you use to say all the time "it is what it is" and right now it seems like you're emotionally detached. and it's ok. it's normal. life happens, you know? you're not the mr. break up monster guy as long as you did it in the mature way. hey! maybe you guys can still be friends, and MAYBE when youre in a better state of mind, who knows what will happen, if the guy was a nice guy. right? plus, how can you love someone if you dont love yourself..or should i say, finding yourself.

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  5. Your welcome! to add what MKT said..You knew when to walk away. I have had plenty of friends that just don't know when to say goodbye. When its not working, its not working!T

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  6. Definitely! I think some people linger in a relationship for the mere label of being in a relationship or because they don't know how to man up and cut ties. I know it sounds weird, but I have known some people who truly stay in a relationship because it is safe, and because they need that partnership. But if it isn't working it isn't working, and that is never the best for both people involved.

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  7. vindication lol i'm glad you came to piece with everything.

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  8. So in other words you became a morally questionable person like the guy you dated. Hey if you can't beat them, join them right? So congratulate yourself on becoming a shitty human being like your ex. Sounds like your meant for each other! At least have come to terms with your lack of character.

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