Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Calculus of Love: Giving Up Your Heart Is Never Easy
There wasn't a love note written, no pigeon to carry this message, no mix-tape to prepare me. What was about to happen was unwritten and I was left to copy and paste what I had in my mind and place it in my mouth.
If there is one thing learned from my past relationships it is that when I love, I love with every ounce of my being. It is intense, emotional; I get wound up in the person in a tizzy. The every day world that revolves around me seizes. This time around, that was the case for him, but not for me. The difficult thing for me at the moment, is that I feel nothing. Instead the feelings are stuck in my head, trying to come out, trying to be felt and heard by my body. There is this inherent feeling that I am the asshole, the señor of all douche-ry. Ex-boyfriend monster (which you are not), who was confused and I was left broken-hearted, I now understand.
I made a decision to stop seeing someone recently. Never to tread lightly on any answer, everything must be methodically thought out. Every thing planned and timed. The right words have to be used and a mutual respect for both people in the party must be present. In the end, after everything was said and done, the hurt crept in. I tried to make myself feel what I had said, because I meant it. But it seemed as if there was just more confusion, inside of myself. The emotions weren't stirring. They simply just weren't there.
He is a funny guy, has an optimistic view on life. Everyday to him is a fun day. It was through him that my flaws were pointed out. My pessimistic view was left laying there in front of me, a platter served up cold, that I didn't even want to eat. I sucked the fun out of the mundane. What was coming out of him, to describe me, was the person I never wanted to become.
Every move that was made in that relationship was calculated by me. The calculus of love. The thing we had, together, was not allowed to grow naturally. Lesson learned, maybe. Emotionally retarded, yes I am.
In dating someone we should always be honest. Honest to them, but most importantly honest to ourselves. At the same time we should allow ourselves to open up to new ideas, new possibilities of seeing the world and a relationship. Learn to love Disneyland. It's alright to be light-hearted. Stop being cynical, have fun! In the end, you might find the real you.