As a gay man...which I am

photograph by Tim Vintege www.michaelvintege.com

No one ever said being a gay man in 2011 would be easy. Your mom could never have prepared you enough to know everything you MUST do in order to survive in the vicious circle of catty gay men snapping their fingers as they vogue to Lady Gaga (the new Madonna). Instead we watch Mean Girls to learn how to be a teenage girl with too much attitude, while learning that being sexually promiscuous can and will get you an STI (because that is what we are calling them now) at some point or even mono. Yes, that still can happen people. Protect your lips, protect your mouth...you don't want to get herpes on your mouth, do you?

As a gay man, which I am, there are many things we must keep up with. Making sure that we know the most current pop culture news: Beyonce is pregnant, do you think she will continue to dance and drop it down to the ground? Did you hear the latest A-List dish? I can't believe Rodiney is thinking he is bisexual. Then you MUST keep up with the ever changing music landscape by owning every dance track possible by David Guetta; and make Britney Spears your queen, regardless of sexual disease outbreaks or unplanned head shaving. It's difficult trying to keep up with all the celebs just so we can have something to talk about during our chat in the bar, while we drink our over priced martini (which forces us into a leg out to the side, fragily holding your glass stance), and decide that this place is tired (probably because we have slept with every guy in it) and that if I have to see another guy in the same pair of Diesel jeans I will have to commit denim suicide. Bartender, where's my appletini?

Every couple of weeks we must take ourselves to the nearest nail shop and get our mani's and pedi's. As we try to explain to the poor quite shy Vietnamese girl that I only want buff and shine, we rant and rave about how we went out last night and how the Austin of the bunch created all this drama by bringing the bitch we hate most. Doesn't he get it, after all no one likes him and he tries too hard...harder than us. All the while the Vietnamese girl looks over to the other girl and begins talking, probably about how she can't handle another bitchy queen, *snaps*. While we are there, we figure, clean up the eyebrows, but remember we just want them cleaned up not the sharpie eyebrow look...we are men remember!

For some gay men the upkeep is worse, having to wax the back, the chest, the legs...and dare I say it, the butt hole. Looking like an underage prepubescent boy is all the rage, the smoother the better. Besides do you really want a guy to go down on you and feel like he is actually with a guy? Come on be a little more masculine feminine. The butch/femme dichotomy rears it's ugly head. Who am I? Wahhhhh.

If that wasn't enough, we then have to decide on the MOST fierce haircut, the faux hawk. I want it short on the sides, but not too short, and I love that my hair is high...the higher the better. If you can, could you please add a blonde streak in it to give it that, I am really cool and EDGY look but at the same time I can carry it over if I want to date a guy who wants to be my next sugar daddy? Can you make that happen? The girl, it's always a girl because to let another gay man cut our hair would be bad...he might be jealous of me and cut my hair badly so I look hideous... continues to cut my hair while I tell her how dating is horrible. That every guy I have gone out with is the atypical gay guy I don't like, and why is it so hard to find Mr. Right? I just want to meet someone who I can go out with, have a great time, and then go home and have sex with. Thanks! My hair looks AMAZE-balls. 

Meanwhile, we have to remember to check the latest Vogue, Elle, and don't forget Details, in order to know what to wear. As a gay man, which I am, we must keep up to date with who the latest designer is and, whether Father Karl Lagerfeld has put out another stellar line for Chanel. Is it September yet? Did we miss the the September Issue, oh no! revoke my gay card. Knowing the latest fashion trend is a MUST, we can't be seen with the same scarf wrapped around our neck during the middle of summer because we have the urge to be current and look cool, you know LA cool, but not put together fedora hat cool cool. Diesel jeans. Check. True Religions. Check. Tight t-shirt or preferably shirt with a logo all gay guys would know and be envious because I paid more for a shirt than I should have even if it was made in Turkey or China. Check. Don't I LOOK cute? Fierce, girl, fierce!  

Then off we go to the gym. Or as WE call it church. As a gay man, which I am, I must work out every day or at least every other day, in order to show that I do care about my body and that I too can be a go-go boy. Besides, how can I get a guy if I look like an average American, over weight. Men don't talk to you for your brains or where you went to school. Physical attraction IS always first. Plus, we have to look good together as we are walking down the street, or going into the club, making guys wish they were HOT like us (but in reality we have nothing in common other than our sexual drive, that we met on adam4adam, and the fact that we are both scared to commit to a REAL relationship, so instead we use the word boyfriend loosely, but what we really mean is we sleep with other guys...because well look at us, we are beautiful, I can't commit, men want me). I want to be skinny and beautiful, like the girls in the magazines. I too want to be a size zero with a beautiful chest and ass that makes guys want to slap it every time I go into the bathroom at the local bar.


So when you feel life is getting you down, Grindr isn't loading, and you hear that being in a third world country doesn't mean not having Gucci, Louis, Fendi, Prada, or that it is the adoption agency most hailed by Angelina Jolie...just remember your day has just begun and worrying about what to wear is the MOST important thing, it can make or break the day. xo