Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Love 1.0.2: Redefining the Relationship
It is hard to write about this idea without falling into stereotypes, ideologies, Truths (capital T), gender/sexuality identities. It's a fuck cluster of contradictions and reifications. Tradition seems to be a hold fast, and as a gay man/community, we try to define ourselves as normal or to the normal. After all, we are all striving for the same, so better to leave gender/sexuality out, right? But, by all means, we live in a label socialized world. Even within our own community we push our own propaganda/agenda. Be it, gender, sex, physical ability, beauty, money, the list goes on. Exactly how does relationship and the idea of what it is play in this? Explore the idea with me...
As a gay man, I have the ability to decorate the idea of traditional relationship in my own terms. We can create the rules, we can create our own normalcy, in whatever terms we so desire. The open relationship, polyamory, 3somes, NSA.... Yes these are the extremes of the idea. In essence they are relationships. Relationships that are formed by two consenting people. But exactly why do we/they do it? Are we/they searching or trying to satisfy the other person in the relationship? Sometimes I feel like people do it to save their relationship or their need to not fully commit to something. Of course this is all inference.
A few weeks back I was discussing this with my friend (because he casually meets up with someone who has an open relationship). Insert pun here, what gay man isn't in an open relationship or open to the idea of it. We explored the idea that maybe because gay men in general aren't allowed, by popular idea, to have a normal relationship, we/they tend to do whatever they so desire. It is a shocker, even to some gay men, when they find out someone has been in a relationship for more than 2 years, monogamously. We search for the flaw, the rules, or exceptions. So it never comes as a shocker if they do choose those ideas, because it has become the default answer in mind.
The other side point is that these two people decided this is what works best for them and their relationship. After all, who are we to say what a relationship is. The only relationship that is every really right is the one that we and the other person are comfortable with. You decide the rules and if they are right for you. You decide to take the relationship where you want to go. Just remember that honesty must and should always be present. Don't allow yourself to do something you would never do. Don't cut off all your ideas of what a relationship is to you. You should be happy in it too!
Some other topics are, when is the right time to have sex? Should we kiss on the first date? How much should we compromise to make a relationship work? Is it alright for me to have my own set of friends and go out with them, alone? Can he? Can I text while we are out together? When is it alright to say I love you? When is the should-we-become-boyfriends talk appropriate? Is it ever?
Fuck, so many questions, so many ideas. I can give you advice, you can ask your friends, truth is, only YOU know what is right for you. Only you know what rules and how you want to define a relationship is. You have to make your own mistakes to figure that out....
Fuck! How did people do it before the Internet?