I remember the day I came home from a long day at work. It was about 10pm. My partner, at the time, comes out of the kitchen to greet me. He speaks softly, "Your dad just called, something is wrong and I think it's better if he tells you." So, I called him. There I was...dead silent, panicking, then rage came out. Fuck you dad! I hope you die. What was so bad you might ask, my dad called me after he got really sick with being with his new girlfriend. Yeah, girlfriend. My parents were and are still married.
I threw the phone so hard that it broke. There I was in fetal position crying. My partner trying to console me, and all I could do was cry. My father told me to not tell my mom. I could never do such a thing. My mom was my rock, she was/is the person I admired and looked up to. How could someone hurt my mom? Especially my dad. She was the one who was there for him when he lost his job, when his parents passed away, she is the glue that kept him and us together.
A year had gone by, my dad and I never spoke. I would visit my family at least once a week making sure to go when he wasn't there.
Christmas passed and New Years Eve came around. My mom pulled us aside and wanted us to reconcile. Those were her wishes for the New Year. There we stood, the man I was becoming and the man that he was frauding to be. He began to cry. My dad, the man who never showed any emotion to me or my sister...was hunched over, crying. He never thought he would see the day that his son would wish him off. I explained why and he listened. Then he proceeded to tell me what spiralled him into this ordeal. I listened.
Then I knew why I was mad. I saw myself in my dad. I fucked up my relationship because I spiralled myself into a hate, depression, and self-loathing. I screwed around to make me feel like I had the upper hand in all of my situations.
I...I...I...I...fuck it, it was I!
I was the death of my relationship. My dad helped me realize it. The next four years were spent making them up to my partner, but inside I knew it would never be the same. I tried to mend my ways, be monogamous, but I could never do it for myself and it wasnt fair for him. In life he taught me a lot. He was my confidante, mentor, above all my best friend and lover. He deserved more than what I could offer. I needed to find myself and make myself happy first. In my last post I wrote about how I needed him for my emotional stability. This time I was learning that I needed to find my own emotional stability...inside of me.