Tuesday, February 7, 2012

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 17, teaching the straight guy

We were both standing there discussing how both of us were trying to change ourselves for the better...our dating selves. "Hey, you're gay, I am sure you have a lot of advice on how a straight guy can better himself to get chicks," he says as he turns towards me after fixing a pile of clothes. As a gay guy, which I am, I have heard it all, so it came to no surprise that here we have a straight guy wanting some queer eye for his dating self.

Before you say anything, no I am not trying to turn  him gay or make him my project. He came to me and asked, and who am I to say no to a straight guy wanting my help to become a better him. First things first...you are better, I told him. Don't think negatively about yourself. EVER!

1. OK, another First things first... lose the likes and ummmms. A guy should be able to speak fluidly and not like a 12 year old girl who aimlessly twirls her hair while chewing bubble gum. More often than not, we never even notice ourselves using the like and ummm as a pause. If you have nothing to say in between sentences, then don't say anything at all. No one wants to hear "like" fifteen more times in one sentence. Pause yourself and move on to the next topic of conversation. A woman loves a well-spoken guy. Side note: that means don't throw out the fucks, shits, asshole, cunt, bitch, whore's all at once. Pick up a thesaurus!

2. Once you have your speech out of the way, become more aware of what is going on in the world. Yes men, smarts is sexy, whether gay or straight! That means put down the Playboy and High Times once in awhile, and turn on CNN or tune into NPR.

3. The next one is up for debate. Yes, we should take care of our bodies, now to what extent is up to you. Everyone should ALWAYS feel comfortable in their own skin. People come in different shapes and sizes...but what matters most is do you LOVE yourself first? That out of the way, working out is great! Men, believe it or not, working out will sustain your energy level and increase your virility. Fuck, I sound like a Viagra commercial. Strike that. It will just make you feel AMAZING. Go outside play some b-ball with the friends, throw around the pig skin (wow, I just out-butched myself). Seriously, take care of your body. Do a few push ups in the morning, run around the block, do whatever you can fit into your already heavy beer-drinking, pussy-chasing routine. I told the straight guy, "just make sure you are doing it for yourself...everything else is a bonus." She sees you out with the buds, while she is out with some new guy, she glances over, catches a glimpse of your bulging biceps, yeah now who's jealous?

4. Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but an amped up style definitely WILL help get the girls. Everyone has their own personal style, but alas men, lets get one thing straight, Ed Hardy is no longer (and probably never was) cool; unless you are a gay man who takes a pair of scissors and cuts it up to make a barely-there tank to wash his car. Yeah, I went there. I digress, amping up your style does NOT necessarily require you to buy a new wardrobe. Think basics! That means get only what you need. Easier said than done, right? Buy a nice jacket and get it tailored. Or, if you already have a jacket, preferably black or navy (grey if you want to be daring and different), and get it tailored. Most men think that you buy a jacket and that's it. WRONG! Clothes off the hanger in a store fit one person only, the fit model, and the mannequin, OK so two people. One isn't real. "A tailor, but wont that be expensive?" he asks. It depends on how much tailoring it will need. You are looking at about $40-$100. If you already have the jacket, that isn't too bad, especially if the jacket will fit your body to a T. Next up, is a nice pair of jeans. I am not talking about a $300 pair of jeans. You can find great clothing and affordable clothing if you merely look around and try clothes on. I know, what a hassle. Finding a good pair of denim means the cut and fit, fit your body type. So try on a few pairs and see what works best, if anything classic straight always works. Also, do a dark denim, it's the easiest to dress up or down.

5. Find a clean smelling scent. Hey, both men and women love a guy who smells good. Yes I know...you took a shower! Hooray for you. A light scent will always work best. Don't throw on anything too strong, because if you get nervous the scent will only intensify and before you know it the room is filled with a strong, woodsy pine scent. It can be a little overbearing and well, it hurts the nose. Go with something light, not too fruity, unless you like something a little more floral smelling.

6. Invest in a steamer. This will help get out all the wrinkles from your t-shirts and dress shirts, allowing you to always look your best. Ironing can be such a drag and at times frustrating. Steaming is quick and simple, and done in less than a minute. Think of it this way, no more burn scars!

7. Hair cut. Hair cut. Hair cut. Clean up that look with a simple hair cut before a date or night of beer busting with the dudes. Maybe you like your hair long, that's cool, but give it a trim, cut the dead ends (yes men, you too can have dead ends, not just women) and you will see the difference. If you are debating on getting a new hair do, I recommend keeping it classic. A classic cut transcends fashion.

8. Don't sext her on the first text or ask to see a naked picture. Instead ask her how her day went. Then go ahead and sext away. Ok, maybe not, trust me I have seen girls set up guys this way. They start all nice and sweet and then they are the first to send out the dirty texts and pics (after all it's the year 2012 and girls are more straight forward), but the minute a guy sends them one, they run to their friends, show them, picture included, and then begin to discuss what a creep. But they keep looking at the picture. So before you do any of that, say hello.

9. Go somewhere new, not somewhere you took your ex all the time. You know that place where the waiters, bartenders, the managers, and even the guy who hands you your towel in the bathroom know the girl you were with. Think about her feelings. Make it special for the new her.

10. Have some drive, some ambition, passion for something in your life...some respect for yourself! That, along with self-confidence (not cockiness/douchebaggery) will take you a long way. Everything else will just fall into place.

Recap: clean shirt, great haircut, restaurant, be a gentleman, and show some self-confidence. Sometimes a woman wants a real man, if she wants a boy, then go ahead, sling your cock out and rub against her on the dance floor.


  1. So you're an expert on heterosexual dating now too?

  2. gay, straight, bi....does it really matter in the end? Dating is dating.

  3. Yeah, it matters a lot actually. I would say there is a dramatic difference between them.