Monday, January 30, 2012
When the dust settles, who's next to you?
Things happen so fast sometimes, that you don't have enough time to be rational. You panic, say things you probably have hidden so far deep inside of you, they make you stop and wonder...did I just say that? It flows from your brain and right out of your mouth. It comes out so loud, that you feel it reverberate inside your mind, body, and soul. There you are, looking back and forth, wondering is THIS really happening?
The road was winding for what seemed like an eternity. Caught in a summer haze, there we were driving down the road. We both were singing so loud and enjoying the music, just looking at one another...wondering, what are other people thinking? You know how you find yourself doing the dumbest things in the car. You have an itch on your nose, so you scratch it, look everywhere, and hope the people next to you in the other car, don't think you were picking your nose. Don't act like you never have thought that. Or, when you find yourself getting drowsy you start yelling, shaking yourself, and slapping your face...all the while the old lady behind shakes her head in a disapproving manner.
We continued singing for what seemed like hours through the mountainous winding road; sitting next to each other, looking at one another, lost in a haze of what seemed liked love. I felt so blinded, not really knowing what was really going on, other than having fun, conversing, and enjoying the drive...when I turn and look off to the side and notice mountains everywhere. You know that scenery as you are driving up the mountains, you can see for miles upon miles. It was clear as far as the eye can see.
Caught in my laughter...I gasped for air. My left arm reached over and shook him...trying to grab his attention. As if in a dream, where you try to scream and nothing comes out, there it was. It filled the sky, so far up. Peaceful, quiet, yet startling sight. The cloud began to rise in the distance, far above the mountains it passed. Building. Culminating.
Panic began to set in. I didn't really know how to react. So finally when I gathered myself I let it out...a big scream. Did you see that, I asked. It's a mushroom cloud, blooming in the distance. We both tried to gather ourselves. What does one do? Here we are cruising up and over the mountain, without a care in the world, just enjoying the fact that we are together. I love you, comes effortlessly out of his mouth.
I stumble, can I say it too? Will it mean anything?
Caught in a moment of time. Everything passed through my mind, and it wasn't him. The past 11 years swirled in my head. Visions of Mark in Texas. Me in California. What was he doing? Would he be affected by any of the after effects of the situation? Will he miss me...as much as I miss him at this very moment. All of a sudden I started to question every little thing that led me to this point in my life, but more importantly that drove him out of it. He wasn't here, with his arms around me, reassuring me that we will be alright. That no matter what, if life comes to an end at this very moment, we fucking rocked it out to the very end.
In my head he was in a distant place that was no longer available to me or with any way of reaching out. No method of calling, just a memory in my mind...playing over and over, the first time we met. the first time we made love, the first time I had given myself over to another man.
The first time we went to Pride together. He wore the Pitcher t-shirt and I wore the Catcher. He held my hand.
Standing in front of the Disneyland castle, as he held me close to his chest, watching the culmination of the fireworks. The spot where he placed upon my finger a ring, a token of our love and commitment to one another...as he whispered, "I love you, and I want us to be together forever."
The day my life came to a crashing halt. As I cried at the foot of the bed, he consoled me. Telling me, that no matter what is placed on me, I am me, and no one can ever take that away.
As I came home from work one day, quitting on the spot, because it was too much. He was there for me, trying his hardest to find me another opportunity to showcase what I could do, never wanting to tell me because he feared disappointing me.
And then, the day he lost his job. When his world came to an end. He lost his identity, his idea of self-worth. I was there. The second time he needed me in his life more than ever. It was I who consoled him throughout the night when he thought little of himself. It was I who told him, how much he had grown since I had known him. It was me telling him how I wanted to be just like him and have the drive and knowledge he had.
There his face stood still in my head, I heard his slight giggle...when I did something dumb or said something incorrectly...
No one ever tells you how your last moments will be or how they will be thought out. The scenery was picturesque, the driver, I had no clue who it was...and then I realized as I looked to my left...is this the person I want to die with?