Monday, December 26, 2011

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 16, the NYE Party edition

Are you ready for the biggest make out sesh/hook up/potential boyfriend finding party!? You know what I am talking about, the NYE party! Christmas is done, you have been good all year long to get the studded Prada shoes that you have been dying for. Now it is the one night of the year, other than Halloween, where you can go all out crazy...minus the costume (I hope). Be prepared for anything and everything. Get all kinds of cute, wear some cute underwear...and have the essentials ready and in mind. Because this day out of all the days, is considered a guaranteed kiss day...even if you have to grab him and his boyfriend.

1. ALWAYS carry Chapstik, especially this evening! Go with something tasty...that way he remembers your cherry tasting lips after a long make out session and dancing the night away. Oh and don't smear it on so much, amidst your hopefully not druken stupor, Chapstik goes on your where else. FYI, no lip gloss, ok thanks!

2.  Fresh breath is key. This goes for everyday of your life, duh! [Breath check. I am good!] But most importantly this evening. You don't want to go in for the kiss and you smell like the nasty fish hors d'oeuvre, that the host supposedly calls sushi, you decided to shove in your mouth before he walked up to you (because you didn't want to sound dumb if he asked you something, so instead you now look like a starving Mary Kate.) Before he walks up to you, or about every 30 minutes, refresh! Spray that'll make the kiss that much better! Oh, and remember the spray goes in your mouth, it is NOT cologne. Also, don't spray to the side, you might get the person behind you...Binaca in the eye. Ouch!

3. Before even stepping out to any party this evening, have your outfit ready. BOW TIE. BOW TIE. BOW TIE. Not those oversized bow ties, those were so last year. This year think classic! You will look cute, he will look cute, you two WILL be cute. You never know if pictures will be taken...this can be the picture for the front of the wedding album. Oh and before I forget, do a double take before leaving the house, you don't want to look all wrinkled, frumpy...and have cat hair all over your new black jacket. What are you!? A crazy cat gay man!

4. HAIR✓.

5. When at a party, don't obsess over one person. Keep ALL of your options open. The key is to MINGLE. CIRCULATE. Just pretend you are at the local gay club, sans fag hags, tight shirts, and go-go boy boxes...and talk to everyone. Say hello, introduce yourself. Say something funny, witty, and insightful. No one wants to hear that you just made out with the waiter in the bathroom and that you think (___something dumb with current news___). After mingling, figure out someone you really would like to get to know more...and potentially kiss, go home with, and have sex. Ok, it doesn't have to end that way...duh! You can just chat, kiss, and maybe go on an awesome date later.


7. Don't be a diva the minute you walk in and notice that your ex and the ex of an ex, who is the ex of your bestie, are both standing together looking happy. They are not plotting against you. Unless they both decided that they would show up looking cute, holding hands, making they both look at each other's eyes, casually glancing your way...making sure you are looking. Then definitely plotting, definitely. They want you to be laugh, be happy and grab the nearest guy to you.


9. Always have frequent stops to the bathroom. Either solo or with your friends. You need to freshen up, check your hair, go through the party throwers medicine cabinet (because as a gay man, which I am, we like to know how depressed the rest of the world is), and make sure you smell good. Plus it gives you time to dish about how crappy the hors d'oeuvre are and how afterwards you will all be stopping at Jack in the Box to get the greasiest thing possible.



1 comment:

  1. Bow ties are lame. They are not nerdy cute, they are nerdy retarded. Grown ass men don't wear bow ties. Gay boys desperate for attention do. Don't be that gay boy, be a handsome gay MAN that wears a regular tie!

    And bitch, I have a cat. And you have two cats! You can't ever get all that fucking fur off of you and you know it...

    XO! :-)