Monday, December 5, 2011

the Tops and Bottoms of Dating: Part 15

Random dates bring random events, sayings, and sometimes feelings. In the past couple of months we met some newbz (people exploring their sexuality and coming out for the 1st time), boys from Texas with no true southern gentleman in them, probably because they were originally from So.Cal. and transplanted to Texas due to some erratic decision and bad relationship, but I digress...and then the one who can throw everything into a whirlwind, emotions, feelings, thoughts (making you produce a cute Youtube video)...and then says he is disappointed in you and that he will ttyl ;-). Bitch.

1. Don't ever have sex with a newbz right off the bat...give him some time. I don't care if he is cute, hot, sexy, has a 6-pack stomach, luscious lips, can play the guitar, and sing. All newbz will fall in love with you the minute sex drops into the equation. Sex complicates everything, as it is, he is barely doing this for the first time. He sees sex/fucking as a means to love, boyfriend, husband, dog, and children. Have fun, go out and be cute together for a bit, maybe a quick handjob, but nothing TOO serious...afterall he can turn around and say, this isn't my thing, I like vagina.

2. So he is musically inclined, as most of the guys I would think I am some kind of groupie, minus the blonde ratty hair and super sluttiness [no judgement], and he wants to sing you a song. Cute, really cute. Let him, he is just expressing how he feels. Isn't that what we want guys to do anyways, communicate and talk about how they feel, and not be overly dramatic like a Glee episode? Side note: it's great he wants to play you a song, but if the first thing that comes out is a G-chord followed by, Saying I love you, is not the words I want to hear from you, run...quickly. This is the song all guys learn to play in order to romantically seduce you and then tell you it isn't going to work out after 3 months, then sobering up and realizing the only way you two ever functioned were through glassy, smoke-filled eyes.

3. Small talk. Small talk. Small talk. Do you really want to find out after you had sex that he is a doctor? Talk about the one who got away. Katy Perry prepared us for this...but did we listen? No, instead we were blinded/salivating over his sexy body and hair. Take the time, ask questions, do a background check if needed. You don't want to end up with herpes or something.

4. Let me pull the chair out for you. No, don't worry I am coming around to get your car door. You are so sweet and smart, you have everything going for you...the perfect gentleman. Then before you know it he becomes the perfect DICK. Be careful with the guy who pretends to be the perfect gentleman to get what he wants, i.e. sex/fuck/bj. If he does do this, and you take the bait, don't worry and NEVER beat yourself up over it. Next time, keep a few things to yourself, and don't jump into bed because he tells you he wants to snuggle while you listen to Amy Winehouse and discuss philosophy in the almost too perfect mood lighting...and don't make a Youtube video, as cute as it is.

5. There are a few sure things that can end a date or progress the date to mere and utter disaster. Fastest way to end a date is telling a guy he is broken, and that he just hasn't found the right guy to fix him. Did he just try and psychoanalyze me? I pay good money for that, I don't need to hear it from YOU. You might as well tell the guy he is used goods, and like a Kia Sportage has no return value...bitch. Since when do we need to take dating advice from someone wearing carrot-cut cargo pants? xo. winky face.

6. Any bitchy comments followed by a winky face make them even that much bitchier. Especially after pretending to be the gentleman. So if you want to get into someone's pants, be straight forward and honest and skip the great fun-filled long day, where you go eat mexican food, walk around for hours downtown, then grab a beer...only deciding you will go back to his place and have your way with him...then later text him, I thought you were different, and not like the other guys. I am disappointed in you ;-). Then disappear. Bitch. Be honest, be up front, it'll get you further in the long run, or a slap in the face...if you're into that.

7. Don't ever date someone to fill some kind of void in your life. I repeat, DON'T! Most of the times what we are looking for is really inside of us. Find those things you love to do. Pick up that old hobby you once had. Truth is you have to be satisfied with yourself first and foremost. Besides picking up your hobbies again might lead you to groups of similar interests and meeting new people...maybe someone with the same inclinations. Meeting people in the real, outside world can happen! So device down and go out.

8. Spending the night at someone's house is a BIG DEAL...especially if it is for the first time; let alone that he will notice your weird sleeping habits, that you snore, maybe you sweat profusely throughout the night (even with clothes off), or if omg...dare I say it...have to go to the bathroom and not number 1. Either way he will see you without your face on, hair everywhere, and if you don't feel comfortable, for whatever reason (or maybe you aren't ready for that type of commitment), don't do it. Just don't be a bitch about it when you say no.

9. A cute way to always get a guys picture...especially if you forgot who it was you exchanged numbers with after a long night of partying at Mustache Monday or Tigerheat is to say hey, send me your picture for your contact profile. Plus, at the same time, throw in something cute like, I have the worst short term memory, what's your name again? Two birds with one stone. This way once the picture comes through you can remember if he was cute or not and if you should stop drinking from now on...and make more intelligent choices. Maybe.

10. Paying for your own McDonald's is a deal breaker and NOT a date. Totes.

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